Vampiress Review: "Kingdom of the Vampire"

The Gist: A young vampire is caught between his love for a young woman and loyalty to his bloodthirsty mother.

Clarification:  I'm reviewing both the original and the remake at the same time since they're basically the same film and they come together when you buy the DVD of the modern film.  Also they're both pretty terrible with the remake slightly less terrible than the original 1991 edition.  I'll just say now check out the 1992 Steven King film Sleepwalkers which has a similar plot done much better. In this film the son doesn't want anything to do with the whole vampire lifestyle and is pretty much verbally abused regularly by his mother.  He puts up with it until he meets a girl who he falls for.  Mom gets jealous and kidnaps the girl leading to the son having to choose (or in reality having the choice made for him in a pretty dumb ending in my opinion).

Selling Point: If you have to watch one.  Ignore that the original exists

Female Vampire Factor:  Low budget movie with a small cast the only female vampires in this case being the mother.  This character is night and day between the two movies.  In the original film she is pretty much a nagging old hag who is abusive physically and verbally to her son (Cherie Patry).

In the 2007 film she's much younger looking and very nurturing.  She comes off more as an overprotective mother trying to protect her son from growing up than the raging maniac the original character was.   Not quite "Sleepwalkers" incest level but much more appealing all around (Karin Landstad).

In both instances the role of Jeff (the son) changed appropriately with the original Jeff being a whiner while the 2007 version being more of a rebel.  Not a must see in any fashion the 1991 edition gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5 while the 2007 gets a 2 out of 5.  

1991

2007 

Vampiress Review: "Blood Bound"

The Gist:  A cop spends his life hunting down his former partner and the vampire that turned him into one of the undead before they resurrect some type of demon.

Clarification:  The story itself is actually very good and probably would work under the right circumstances.  The movie itself on the other hand is terrible.  I would complain about the A.D.D. the film has progressing through multiple story lines and flashbacks randomly but it really doesn't matter since the movie is so dimly lit you really don't know what's going on anyway especially since most of the flashbacks are in black and white as well as being dimly lit.  Much of this is just cliche's from other films.   The cop looking for his partner and vampire that turned him is straight out of John Carpenters Vampires.  The vampire using a girls room mate in order to get to the girl is Dracula 2000 and the priest training the teenage girl to fight vampires is basically Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  If you edit those films together you would get a much better looking version of this.

Selling Point: There is a really really dark girl on girl sex and biting scene.

Female Vampire Factor:  This is the worst part.  Not only do they exist in this movie but the two in it are very sexy but you can't even see them.  First you have Alexandra aka "Xan" (Toni Martin).

She is the one who turns Jacob into a vampire but despite this she seems to take orders from him throughout the film.  Then you have Claudia (Mary Morales)

Roommate to the cops daughter Victoria, she gets left behind at the vampire run night club "the meat market" and Xan decides to take her for herself.

This film really does get worse as it progresses both in terribly acted fight scenes and in lack of visibility.  Don't get me started on the ending...actually wait.. I can't because there isn't one.  The film just cuts to the credits during a fight scene.    This one gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Had there just been light it would have gotten a 3 just because the female vampires are great but all you get is silhouettes. 

Vampiress Review: The "Saturday the 14th" series

Saturday The 14th (1981)

The Gist: A family moves into a home that houses a book of evil which traps them inside with monsters.

Clarification:  This is best described as a movie parody that doesn't center on any one specific film.  The plot takes from several films such as Poltergeist and the Amityville Horror.  The thing that includes it here is the fact that what is believed to be the antagonists of the film are a vampire couple who are after the book.  Key word being "believed".

Selling Point/Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned there is a vampire couple in the film that it manipulates you into believing are the films antagonists (obviously if I'm using that wording it turns out they are not).  The wife of the couple whose name is "Yolanda" is played by Nancy Lee Andrews.

As you can see there are no fangs in this film which makes it cheesier than it already is.  It also makes it very confusing when the mom/wife of the family who moves into the house "Mary" (Paula Prentiss) begins acting like a vampire since it's hard to really distinguish whether she actually is becoming one or whether she just believes she is.

 I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  If you want to go this route Transylvania Twist would be a much better recommendation.

Where to Watch

Saturday the 14th Strikes Back (1988)

The Gist:  A young man finds out that on his birthday; Saturday the 14th, monsters will come from a crack in their basement to take over the world and he is in line to become their leader.

Clarification: The same general premise of the first but slightly less cheesy (though still super cheesy).   Just as in the first film weird things are happening constantly but the family who is living through it is completely unaware despite the fact that after a certain point the monsters aren't even hiding.  Even before the stuff with the monsters the family really isn't that normal to begin with since you have a mother who can't cook and feeds her family candy and pudding.

Selling Point:  There are actually attractive vampires in this one.

Female Vampire Factor: The films protagonist Eddie is slowly introduced to the world of the monsters and his guide is a female vampire named Charlene (Pamela Stonebrook)

Charlene is initially introduced in a song and dance routine where she sings about not wanting to be a vampire. This is when you're introduced to her backup dancers as well who are seen in the background throughout the rest of the film.

They do have fangs this time around but they're not used at all and are only shown sporadically. 

The "Vampirettes" as they are referred to in this film were played by Dorrisa Currey, Kathryn O'reilly and Victoria Morsell.

As for the film itself it was annoying to me even when I was younger.  Listening to Eddie whine for 90 minutes is just awful and as a teenager I couldn't understand why he was complaining considering the thing he was complaining about was attractive vampires appearing in his room not to mention an evil princess that wanted him.  This one is pretty hard to watch but thanks to the eye candy it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5 .

 

The Vampiress Episode: "Family Matters"

"Dark and Stormy Night"

Season 6

Episode 6

Family Matters was a television series which was a staple of the TGIF Friday Night comedy lineup on the ABC network in the United States from 1989 to 1997 before having its final season on CBS in 1998.  Originally a spin off of another TGIF comedy "Perfect Strangers" where it revolved around a side character from that show named Harriet Winslow and her extended family living together in Chicago. Once the show introduced the nerdy neighbor "Steve Urkel" the show switched gears to being about him and his obsession with Winslow daughter Laura. 

In the Halloween episode of the series sixth season young Richie is upset that he can't go trick or treating for Halloween due to a thunder storm so the Winslow's in order to help him feel better tell him a Halloween tale.  In this story the Winslows are a family of vampires called the Von-Winlsows and Steve Urkel is the hero confronting them in order to save the princess (in this case Winslow daughter Laura).

It's a comedy so don't expect much when it comes to horror.  Harriet Winslow (Jo Marie Payton) does briefly fang out in the episode as does her sister Rachel (Telma Hopkins)

 but those are the only Winlsow women with fangs on this one though as a consolation Laura is dressed as Michelle Pfeiffer catwoman in the shows opening so you do have that to fall back on. The Winslows had another daughter named Judy but she went up to her room sometime in 1993 and never came back down...ever.  (except to do the occasional porn but that's for another day)

Vampiress Review: "Bood Ties"

The Gist: An assistant district attorney gets into a romantic relationship with a journalist who happens to be a member of a syndicate of vampires.

Clarification:  So basically this is a mobster movie as the vampires in this film aren't very vampiric.  They refer to themselves as Carpathians (as in the European mountain range) and protect each other much like a mob family would.  The journalist "Harry" tries to live normally and without the help of the rest of the Carpathians who are very well connected in the world.   The bulk of the story revolves around vampire hunters looking for them after killing a Carpathian family and them wanting revenge.  That means the vampires are the protagonists of the story.  That combined with the fact that it's a made for TV movie means not much of interest is going on here.

Female Vampire Factor:  There's one main one but fact is as I mentioned above the vampires aren't very vampiric so no fangs and she attacks once in self defense but nothing supernatural about it and that's the character Celia (Michelle Johnson)

This gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.   If you do want to see Michelle Johnson fang out she does in the 1988 film Waxwork which I mention in the Vampire Cameo update.

The Female Vamps of the 30 Days of Night Franchise

30 Days of Night is a film franchise based on a set of comic books of the same name.  Arguably a precursor to the popularity of later franchises such as The Strain and the Walking Dead.  Much like those franchises it falls under the survival horror genre but unlike those it was never turned into a television series.  The franchise consists of 4 parts,  The original film 30 Days of Night (2007), An online mini series prequel "Blood Trails" (2007), an online mini series sequel "Dust to Dust" (2008) and a full length straight to DVD sequel "Dark Days" (2010).

30 Days of Night (2007)

In my opinion the franchise starts off kind of rough and gets better as it goes.   The 30 Days of Night the film refers to is a period in Alaska where the sun does not appear for 30 days.   In this film a town in Alaska gets over run by Vampires during this time and the towns people attempt to survive for that period.  This film comes off much like your modern zombie flick with the vampires pretty much being nameless somewhat faceless monsters.  Only a select few communicate but they're basically just out for blood and nothing more.

30 Days of Night "Blood Trails" (2007)

This is when we get more in depth as the story telling aspect from this point on makes the series a lot more enjoyable.  Possibly since this is almost ripped directly from the comic so there is more character development this time around.  This series leads up to the vampires getting onto the ship that takes them to Alaska.  This also includes a main female character getting turned in Jenny (Dani Owens)

30 Days of Night "Dust to Dust" (2008)

Also a mini series this acts as a sequel to "Blood Trail" but takes place after the original film.  In it a disgruntled cop and the vampire hunter from "Blood Trail" go looking for the cops sister Sara (Mimi Michaels), a prison nurse who is attacked and turned into a vampire.   This would be the only part of the franchise which revolves completely around a female vampire.

30 Days of Night "Dark Days"

In the finally of the franchise one of the survivors of the original film Stella goes around doing lectures about what happened in Alaska attempting to expose the vampires existence to the world though no one believes her.  She is eventually confronted by a group of people who have also encountered them that are now hunting the vampires.   Their goal is to take out the vampire Queen Lillith (Mia Kirschner). At this point Kirschner and fangs pretty much go hand and hand considering having them in Dracula: The Series and the Vampire Diaries. 

Since this movie takes place in main land big city the vamps are a lot better looking than the ones in the first.  Still Feral at least there's some hot ones.  Especially a blonde who shows up quite a bit toward the end.

The films ending kind of annoys me after everything she goes through but as long as you don't mind a bit of gore I found it very enjoyable.  More so than the original by quite a bit. 

Vampiress Music Video: Freaks "The Creeps"

 "The Creeps (Get on the Dance Floor)"

Freaks

 Produced in 2007

 The Freaks are an electronic band out of Europe (specifically London England).

In this video a security guard at a hospital is being chased and eventually attacked by "cheerleaders" who are mysteriously found dead somewhere.  The reason I quote the word cheerleaders is the fact that they are dressed like catholic school girls but the newspaper the security guard is reading states they're cheerleaders and there is pom pom's in the morgue with them.

 Anyway the three vampire cheerleader school girls spend the video awkwardly dancing toward the security guard while lip sinking Stella Attar's lyrics.

 In the end once they get to the security guard they disappear so he thinks it was all a dream. That is until he watches the security camera just to see the whole thing actually did happen.

Vampiress Review: "Tainted"

The Gist: After their car breaks down on their way to the movies three guys end up knee deep in a vampire murder story.

Clarification:  This is one of those hard to watch films due to the main characters just being super unlikable.  Basically everyone in the film has some major personality quirk which makes you want to punch them.  Because of this, the idea of caring about what happens to any of them is non existent.  It's basically the story of a womanizer, a movie nerd, and the live action version of a facebook troll who interrupts everyone to correct their English and their ability to not react to any negative or positive situation with appropriate emotions.

As it goes they go to the nerds ex girlfriends house to get anti-freeze for their car, a group of thugs try to mug them along the way which is when the two other guys find out their nerd buddy is a vampire.  They finally make their way to the ex girlfriends house after a rather dumb conversation where the "troll" dismisses the vampires claim of being a vampire despite WITNESSING the entire mugging incident.  When they get their we find out they broke up over her drinking and there's lots of bi-polar arguing in which we find out she has a new abusive vampire boyfriend.  This guy ends up being the movies antagonist as we eventually find he murders vampires and drains them of their blood.  From their it becomes a revenge story as the vampire movie nerd seeks out the abusive ex after he kills the girl.

BTW the title refers to the sub plot that deals with the vampire antagonist who works at a blood bank having a plan to replace the human blood at the bank with vampire blood.  A sub plot that maybe gets 6 minutes of air time in the one hour and forty five minute run time of the movie.  

Female Vampire Factor:  Barely worth mentioning.  The only one in the film that has any real screen time is the boyish ex girlfriend.

Other than this you get a couple that get screen time when the crew go into a vampire inhabited bar.

IMDB lists this movie as both an action/comedy and a comedy/thriller.  It is none of those.  This means that the annoying personality quirks of the main characters are supposed to be funny and not what it actually comes off as which is just plain annoying.  It just makes it worse that it's also one of those movies where the film maker has to have characters arguing about something in every scene. The film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Sucker: The Vampire"

The Gist:  A vampire slayer who is a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing hunts a rock band of vampires.

Clarification:  This film is weird by even Troma standards.   You've got a vampire band which is the least strange.  Then there's their roadie who's a necrophiliac and does the dirty work for the vampires just so he can dress the bodies up in sexy outfits and take pictures with them (as well as other things), not to mention he's just socially awkward.  Finally your vampire slayer apparently has either HIV or AIDS and when she gets bit spreads it to the main vampire of the film.

Basically this is the strangest after school special ever written as most of the main characters freak out about possibly having AIDS. So why is the undead afraid of a disease that kills living people?   According to the female vampire that turned our dying vamp (and wants him dead) the disease has the exact same effect on vampires as it does humans with the exception of the fact the vampire won't die.  He'll just shrivel and decay until someone mistakes him for a corpse and buries him (completely ignoring that he'd likely starve to death before that in this explanation but whatever).

Female Vampire Factor:  You've got two in the film.  First the vampire who turned the band from the get go Lenore (P.K. Phillips).

She's only seen in a few scenes.  Once to gloat to the vampire Anthony about the predicament he's in, again to talk the vampire slayer Vanessa into killing Anthony with a stake through the heart and finally at the films conclusion to attempt to seduce the roadie Reed.

Lastly you have the vampire slayer Vanessa Van Helsing (Monica Baber)

She's only briefly seen as a vampire after she's turned.  In fact her character is just kind of forgotten about after that point with the roadie becoming the films protagonist once she's placed in a "guest coffin".

Told you the film was strange.  Anyway Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It starts out as a vampire film but just looses it's way after the AIDS thing.