Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Vampiress Review: Bitten

The Gist: A good Samaritan takes in an injured woman but nursing her back to health takes a lot more effort than he bargains for.

ClarificationJason Mewes plays an EMT who finds an injured woman in an ally that he assumes has been attacked by an animal.  As time passes she starts showing some strange tendencies that he immediately attributes to her being a vampire.  Like any red blooded male though, the fact that she's super hot and he just came out of a crappy relationship overshadows the whole "blood thirsty killer" issue and he attempts a relationship with her until the honeymoon period is over and the constant killing becomes too much for him. From that point figuring out how to break up with a vampire becomes the biggest challenge. 

Selling Point: Jason Mewes lack of acting range turns every character he plays into "Jay" of "Jay and Silent Bob" fame.  With that being said this movie could have been called "Jay from Jay and Silent Bob Screws a Vampire". If you liked anything else he's in, you'll LOVE this.  It's pretty damn funny.  

Female Vampire Factor: This film gets a Vampire Beauty rating of 5 out of 5.  Any fan of female vampires will totally relate to this movie.  I can't count how often I watched a situation in this film and thought "man that sucks but she's so hot I'd probably turn a blind eye to it to."  On top of that she was so loyal to the point that she was kind of needy which was a blessing at times (killing his ex girlfriend, drug dealer that hung outside his building and landlord bugging them for rent money) and curse (killing anyone else she came in contact with that wasn't him).  If there was ever a movie that made you question your own values this one does it perfectly.  Is the supermodel looking chick that you'd never land in a million years worth keeping if you're waking up with bloody corpses next to you every day?

Vampiress Cast

Played by Erica Cox, Danika is the poor victim that Jack (Jason Mewes) finds in the ally that faitfull night.  As you can see, she is quite the looker so you can see where there is such a conflict about keeping her or not.  Could you imagine having a girl like this be a loyal and dedicated girlfriend?  This movie pretty successfully answered the whole "What would it take to give up the perfect girl?" question. Then again, if I'm in the same situation as Jack I just make a rule that she can't bring her food home.  The fact that he's cleaning up dead bodies out of his apartment seemed to be the only real issue. As loyal as she was to him and how desperate she was to keep him, I doubt she'd have a problem with that rule.


Sherry (Jordan Madley) is Jack's super bitch ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with her yoga instructor.  The only thing she seems to care about is the CD's she left in his apartment when he kicked her out and has no remorse for her actions.  One day she decides to use her spare key to get in and retrieve her stuff just to find Danika at the apartment wearing her clothes. Sherry being as bitchy as Jack describes starts threatening Danika (who already doesn't like her for hurting Jack) and Dani goes all vampiric on her.  Unfortunately Dani is new to the whole vampire thing and doesn't understand that anyone she bites also turns so Sherry during "cleanup" jumps up and tries to attack Dani and Jack (you don't really get a clear view as she's covered in plastic and is a fast paced scene).   The couple fight back and end up killing her again (which Jack enjoys) and that pretty much convinces Jack that Dani is the one for him. 

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