Thursday, February 7, 2013

Vampiress Review: "The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing"

Gist: The distant relative of the original vampire hunting Abraham Van Helsing goes to the tomb of the daughter of Count Dracula with the intent of destroying her but ends up hypnotized into working for her instead.

Clarification:  At this point Seduction Cinema actually had a decent budget and had begun making the corny movie parodies we all know and love that air on Cinemax and Showtime after dark so this film comes off as no more than a slightly tweaked remake of one of their original films, 1998's "Vampire's Seduction".  The plot is EXACTLY the same with the main difference being the actors and instead of the protagonist being a nerdy guy named Wally Van Helsing, it is a nerdy girl named Wilameena Van Helsing.

Selling Point:  It is definitely a better quality film than it's predecessor and much easier on the eyes.

Female Vampire Factor: Despite the DVD cover which depicts film star Erika Smith with a stake and Dracula cape there is only one female vampire in the film and it's not her.

Darian Caine (Countess Dracula)
 If you've seen (or read my review) on Vampire's Seduction you already know the deal.  Take one hot actress, throw her in a pair of boots, some lingerie, a Dracula cloak then give her a bad Hungarian accent. Then just have her whine about needing lesbians the whole time and finish it off with her dying through a lame food gag and there you have it.  This film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  I REALLY would love to see Darian become a vamp in a more serious (and I don't count the train wreck that was "Lust for Dracula") film because it's hard to really get into this one with all the fart gags.

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