Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Vampiress Review: "Vampires Suck"

The Gist: 3 Twilight films condensed into one more entertaining movie with stupid gags thrown in.

Clarification:  If you take away the randomly thrown in pop culture references that these movie spoofs are known for and make it a straight Twilight parody, the movie is actually WAY more entertaining than Twilight without watering down the story at all.   You can literally watch this film and know the story of the Twilight films without missing much.

Selling Point: There's actually fangs in this one.

Female Vampire Factor: This film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  The actresses that they get to parody the Twilight characters are hot and in some cases hotter than the actual actresses (I was never impressed by Nikki Reed as Rosalie).  There are a few dry spots in it and the ending is poor at best but for guys this is much better than watching the real thing.

Vampiress Cast

Kelsey Ford (Iris)
 Iris is Edwards adopted vampire sister (aka "Alice Cullen").  She's really perky and cute and takes to "Becca" right away when they first meet up until the point where Becca accidentally cuts herself resulting in her along with the rest of her family trying to eat her.  Eventually she apologizes and the two team up to save Edward when he goes to kill himself after thinking Becca had died.

Rosalyn & Eden
 Only really seen in the "Becca meets the Sullens" scene, Eden is the mother of the Sullen clan and Rosalyn is Edward and Irises "Sister".  As stated above, the scene is a mixup of the scene in which Bella meets the Cullens for the first time in Twilight and the birthday party scene from "New Moon".  In this case, instead of Jasper (or in this film "Jeremiah") being the only one to attack Becca the whole family tries to get a piece.  This is one of those situations where the parody actress is hotter than the actual character as Stephanie Fischer (Rosalyn) was much hotter than Reed.  At the other end Elizabeth Reaser (Esme) gets the nod in the hotness department over Mad TV alum Crista Flanagan (Eden) but only slightly considering Flanagan has posed nude for Playboy.  

Arielle Kebbel (Rachel)
Rachel would be this movies answer to "Victoria" of the Twilight Saga.  Lots of fang and hissing shots of her for the times she's actually in the movie but unfortunately her demise comes in the form of being recast halfway through.  This isn't her only fanged venture as I discussed her some time ago in my review of the hot female vampires of the Vampire Diaries as well.

Jenn Proske (Becca)
Edward bites "Becca" (aka Bella Swan) at the end of the film at the prom.  Following the bite he then gets attacked by a group of young girls representing "Team Jacob".  During the credits he gets up followed by Becca vamping out and attacking the girls.  A great little Easter Egg for sure. 

Playboy pictures provided by


  1. great post as always. Surprised you didn't mention Jenn Prosky, the lead girl who shows her fangs in a little scene in the middle of the end credits.

    1. She wasn't left out on purpose, believe me. I've updated the post with her in it.

  2. Nice to know Arielle Kebbel is a friend of the fangs in Vampire Diaries, too. I love it when actresses repeat their vampire performances. As you probably already know, Mia Kirschner put on the fangs three times (Dracula: The Series, Vampire Diaries, and 30 Days of Night) and Rebecca Staab did it in the Dark Shadows remake and the daytime soap Port Charles. Arielle Kebbel should *always* play a vampiress.

    1. I'm actually surprised how many actresses who play vampires do it repeatedly. I haven't counted but it's in the double digits. I've probably reviewed 3 or 4 already and therr is plenty more coming up (Supernatural and Buffy the Vampire Slayer share a lot of female vamp actresses)