Vampiress Review: "Forest of the Vampire"

The Gist:  A group of travelers take a trip to a forest that ends up being haunted by a vampire.

Clarification:  I describe this movie as being bi-polar.  In that meaning there is about 15 to 20 minutes that is really enjoyable and then the rest is probably top 10 the worst thing you will ever set your eyes on.  Basically the first part of the film is random people who get attacked by a stereotypical Dracula inspired vampire.

Then we're introduced to the protagonists of the film who are two young couples who like in many low budget indy films like this are about as likable as a rabid pit bull as they just argue and complain to each other about each other a lot.

When they finally get to the haunted woods they're picked off one by one by vampires in somewhat of a daytime Blair Witch Project portion of the film other than you see what's killing them and it's not in first person (this was the enjoyable part).  Then the films last portion is what is best described as the wort acid trip known to man and is practically unwatchable.  I'm talking odd green screen effects featuring psychedelic colors and nausea inducing camera motion.

On top of that due to the distortion of the characters voices you can't really understand much of what they say during this point so even if you could watch it without feeling like you were on the worst rollercoaster ever you wouldn't understand it.

Selling Point: That small portion that is a horror movie is really enjoyable.

Female Vampire Factor:  (SPOILER ALERT)  So we have two vampires in these woods of note.  One is the Dracula looking one who is attacking anyone who comes in.  The other is a blonde woman who looks like she stepped right out of a Hammer Horror film who we find out is a good vampire looking to stop him.

These vampires can operate just fine in the daytime since the entire film takes place in the daytime. The only exception being when they go to the "what the hell am I watching" dimension at the end.

Two women who get attacked by the Dracula vamp do get turned and get to attack someone.

This includes one of the girls of the couple who for whatever reason is in only her bra and panties during this part.  The scene where she goes after the other girl would be pretty hot if it weren't for the voice distortion.

I give the movie a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  The above stills all come from one scene which should have been the entire movie.  Everything before and after this is either hard to watch or unwatchable unfortunately.

Vampiress Review: "Blood of the Tribades"

The Gist: Male vampires are killing female vampires as part of a religious vampire cult and the female vampires have to put their own differences aside in order to survive.

Clarification: So it's self described as "a love letter to offbeat lesbian vampire films" which translates to an attempt to create a film in the style of Jess Franco and Jean Rollins.  This means vague storytelling surrounded by gratuitous nudity and over the top graphic violence.  The movie once you get to the end becomes a moral lesson on religious fanaticism and sexism as the men are all being lead by a cult leader who preaches that both being a woman and being a lesbian are against their god and should be destroyed and anyone who challenges this believe is punished even when the woman try to show them otherwise.

Selling Point: It's rating on Amazon is pretty high with 4 and a half stars as well as a 7.1 out of 10 from IMDB

Female Vampire Factor:  Everyone in the film is a vampire so there is no lack of this.

As mentioned above there is a few nods to films in the Jean Rollins, Jes Franco vampire film genre so you do get a vampire lesbian sex scene.

As well as a set of vampire twins

While I'm not the biggest fan of the artistic vague storytelling of this genre the story itself is a good one.  Be warned that female nudity isn't the only nudity in it and the male nudity is full frontal including a scene in which a female vampire chops off a male vampire penis. Don't worry though.  Way more attractive women compared to those few moments.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  If you like this genre of film you'll like this movie.  If not, fast forwarding to the fang parts works too.

Vampiress Review: "Lust of the Vampire Girls"

The Gist: A man in search of his girlfriend must save her from a doctor who is experimenting with women and turning them into vampires.

Clarification: Pretty cut and dry plot which suffers from the affliction of trying to make a tragic protagonist but forgetting to give him characteristics that make you feel sorry for him thus making him an unlikable jerk.   Basically guy is dating a woman, tells woman not to go out, she goes out anyway and gets kidnapped, he goes searching for her, while looking for her pretty much says screw her and goes after the first hot chick he finds.  Seriously that's how the hero functions. 

Selling Point:  The film does pay homage to the Jean Rollins film Lips of Blood by having nameless vampire women in see through outfits (minus bare breasts)

Female Vampire Factor: As the title states all the women in the film are vampires.  They were created with a serum that a German doctor created for immortality but the side effects were blood lust and fangs and it only worked on women.

For the most part you only see them in these church scenes hissing (a lot) but there is at least one scene in which they are shown to have the ability to speak and aren't feral.

The one exception being the protagonists girlfriend who once he finds her finds out that when she was given the serum it didn't quite work out for her and she was totally feral

Which as mentioned before would have been kind of sad had the protagonist actually had any likeable qualities which he doesn't so he pretty much yells at her, tells her he never loved her and kills her then immediately moves on with one of the vampire girls who pretty much is the true protagonist of the film as she's the only one with any positive personality traits.

Story and entertainment wise the movie isn't very good thanks to poor character development but as far as the women with fangs go it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  That is definitely the one thing this film gets right.