Thursday, September 3, 2015

Vampiress Review: Vamps in the City

The Gist: Four female vampires deal with having a social life, vampire hunters and evil vampires at the same time.

Clarification:  As you probably guessed by the title, it is a Sex in the City style parody.  The four vampires, Scarlet, Aretha, Sherry and Lorinda sit around drinking blood at a "bar" whose only true purpose seems to be to give a few bands some way too long screen time.  At the bar they spend the first part of the film talking about their attempts at a sex life and the end of the film is spent fighting.  Who are they fighting you might ask?  The "evil" vampires of course Scarena, Tina, Betty and their leader Claire.  What's the difference?  Well the good ones try to live like normal slutty women and just take enough blood to get their victims a little woosy while the "evil" ones kill.    While this is all happening the wife of a vampire hunter killed by one of the evil ones is out to kill all of them with her idiot son in tow for comic relief.

Selling Point: All the females are attractive and are in their best naughty store club wear, night gowns or Halloween costumes throughout the film. 

Female Vampire Factor:  So as I mentioned it's a female vampire gang war at it's core, just a very slow moving one thanks to it's attempt at being a comedy which is hit or miss.  Each girl has a specific personality quirk that they are introduced with before the main story get's underway so here's your rundown

The Good Vampires:

Sherry (Jade Brandais)
The film is told from her perspective making her Sarah Jessica Parkers character "Carrie" in the actual show.  Her thing is that she's obsessed with shoes and she's a homewrecker dating a married man who works at a sewage plant, farts a lot but has a huge member known as "Mr. Huge" (a parody of Sex in the City's "Mr Big").

Aretha (Heather Howe)
She would be Kim Cattralls character "Samantha".  She's the single one that'll basically screw and bite anyone with a pulse.  Despite the fact that she does a pretty decent imitation of Cattralls mannerisms Cattrall does it much better when she herself plays a vampire in the film Modern Vampires.

Lorinda (Danielle Motley)
She would be Cynthia Nixon's character Moranda.  Her thing is that her boyfriend has uneven testicles with one being really big and one being small.  Her scenes pretty much consist of her giving hand and blowjobs and getting messy (nothing is shown, she just comes up with what looks like whip cream in her hand or on her face) as the gag is that the big testicle shoots out a lot.

Scarlet (Tamara De Kauwe)
Lastly we have the parody of Kristin Davis' character Charlotte.  Her issue is that her boyfriend has erectile dysfunction.  She tries to hypnotize him into getting erect but it doesn't work. Oh and she's really prissy and drinks her blood with a spoon. 

Next we have the "Evil Vampires".  Since the movie doesn't revolve around them they don't get as much backstory.  In fact it only takes one line to describe each of them. 

Claire (Noelle Perris)
 The Leader

Betty (Christina Desiere)
 The Homicidal prostitute

Scarena (Caitlin Rose Williams)
The serial killer

 The homicidal drug addict

The storyline attempts to hint that Claire wants to recruit Sherry but that goes completely nowhere and only gets addressed in the very beginning and end of the film.  The relationship parts of the film fall flat and seem very sophomoric at their attempts at sexy comedy. They do a much better job in the slapstick department with both the vampire hunters air headed son and a drunk female bar patron named Brittany actually getting a few honest laughs out of me during their screen time.  The fangs themselves range from kinda of cheap to very cheap looking but they at least get use out of them.  Not awful, not great it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

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