Vampiress Review: "Turned"

The Gist: A vampire hunter is caught and turned by a group of vampires and he now has less than 24 hours to finish his mission of destroying them before he turns to one himself.

Clarification: Basically they took the last 15 minutes of John Carpenters Vampires and turned it into it's own short.  I do like what they did with it though.  You've got Jack the vampire hunter who is your Bruce Willis type action hero and his priest sidekick (not very good priest considering how often he cusses) and his goal is to track down and kill Monty a very cocky "big man on campus" acting vampire.

Selling Point: The story telling is done pretty well.  The viewer starts with learning Jack's situation and as the film goes on you learned the events that lead up to it through conversations.

Female Vampire Factor: There is a bunch of female vampires in the film but none of them really do anything vampiric. First you have Heather, Jack's ex girlfriend who set him up to be turned in the first place played by Athena Brensberger.

She is tracked down for info and doesn't make it past this scene.  
Then you have Jewel.  A vampire who isn't a fan of Monty who helps Jack escape played by Seregon O'Dassey

Side Note: O'Dassey is in fact a real life vampire IE she has done several interviews admitting that she drinks blood in real life. In the above scene she is talking to another vampire who questions her.  That vampire does have fangs but she never opens her mouth wide enough to see them.

In fact the only vampires who do fang out in the film are background stake fodder ones in the final fight scene.

While it's a pretty enjoyable film they do miss out on giving the other vampire characters more substance so I'll give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Die Hard Dracula"

The Gist: A young man in mourning after the death of his girlfriend heads to Europe to clear his mind just to be faced with a woman who looks exactly like her after a car accident in a village tormented by a vampire.

Clarification: A modern Dracula film that comes off more low budget comedy than horror (At least that seems to be by design).  You've got a guy in a town confused about the towns peoples constant talk of killing vampires and your vampire is in a micromanaged relationship with his bride who is jealous of the village girls he's biting. 

Selling Point: The love story between Steven (the young man in mourning) and Carla (the Romanian village girl who looks like his late girlfriend) are easily the best part of the film. Everything else is kind of cheesy (well cheesier as the entire movie is pretty cheesy).

Female Vampire Factor: This film follows the basic Dracula film premise as far as female vampires go (IE the rule of three).   In this case you do see Dracula turn the women as they are peasant girls from the village.  You have a cute blonde he attacks near a creek who gets most of the decent on screen fang time once she turns.

 

Dracula's original wife who we see him create in the films beginning of the film in a flashback sequence.   Throughout the film he needs to convince her that turning the village girls is a part of his plan as she notices the trend of every girl he turns being an attractive and young.

and then in the payoff there is Carla.

Once all are turned as mentioned above they take the role of Dracula's brides doing everything together in a ritualistic manor.

As far as use of female vampires go I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  The film itself is ridiculously cheesy and low budget (we're talking obvious cardboard backgrounds and swinging people on wires here) but none the less beautiful women with fangs are abundant.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Couch Trip"

The Gist: A group of vampires take turns telling a therapist about their day (or something).

Clarification: So basically we see a therapist individually talking to a group of four vampires about an incident they had with a cop and a group of school kids.  Simple as that.  Don't expect too much with this one.

Female Vampire Factor:  There are two.  An attractive latina (Maral Milani)

and a slutty blonde whose screen time is spent groping her boyfriend (Kelsy Redmond).

The blonde also happens to be the only one in the film to be seen biting anyone.

Biggest Complaint: No fangs would be a problem but the above scene is the only time anything vampiric really happens anyway.  Well with the exception of the end where they all seem to attack the therapist which doesn't make any sense considering the film clearly has these vampires talking to the therapist in 3 separate sessions so it wouldn't be possible for all four to attack him individually.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5. This one is skippable.