Sunday, January 3, 2016

Vampiress Review: "Epitaph: Bread and Salt"

The Gist: A religious man joins with a group of demon hunters to destroy evil.

Clarification:  Blade if he was played by a bulked up Dr. Ben Carson does lots of randomness is the long story short of it.   The movie does threaten to actually have things happen during it but in all reality the dull talking parts are way better than the fighting parts anyway so be grateful it really doesn't.

In fact, the acting is so terrible and the dialogue is so awkward that the film is actually quite enjoyable.  Normally I can't stand amateur film maker plot A.D.D. but with the above description I couldn't wait to see what goofy randomness would come with the next scene (and if you expect any explanation or closure to any of the storylines I'm warning you now there isn't).
Why is she green?, Why did she become a zombie when no one else in the film did and what will become of her now that she is one?  These and other questions will be completely ignored by this film.
So the bulk of the movie is different groups representing different sides of the religious "good guys" and devil worshiping "bad guys" trying to recruit this fighter as if they're basically Jehovah Witnesses.  To be honest that would probably be the better way to go in real life if you were a group of vampires and witches, just having attractive women in tight short dresses go door to door and ask "have you heard about the devil...let me tell you about it and here's some literature".  So if you can't tell by all of that the film has some very strong conservative religious undertones and does get preachy at times but the sketch comedy film parody cheesinesss (especially the one liners) carry the film more than the religious stuff.

Selling Point: 80% of the cast is attractive women.  Mostly asian and latina basically telling us this was filmed in the "urban" parts of Chicago.

Female Vampire Factor:  Pretty much non existent after the films beginning.   You have them as random henchman attempting to attack the main character Victor when he's first learning of their existence but none of the main characters seem to represent them so they disappear as the plot development goes on.
 It gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It's not really a vampire movie and it's only redeeming quality (the hilarity of the dialogue) I'm not sure is even on purpose.  In fact, the film doesn't even have an ending.  Like many films in the urban action or horror markets it's one of those where the story is actually very good to the point that you wish all the big name urban film production companies would start going into this kind of thing instead of the same "home in the kitchen having grandma solve you problems" plots they've been putting out for years.  Too many good film plots in this genre are being put out by companies that don't have the skill or funding to give it justice.  This is just another one.

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