Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Dentist"


The Gist:  When a struggling startup private dental practice needs money they subcontract to a night shift dentist who's a vampire with vampire clientel.

Clarification:  The idea of a vampire dentist in a horror movie would make sense and be pretty decent if done right.  I mean the guy could theoretically work nights and suck peoples blood without them knowing after he puts them to sleep, possible cause an outbreak of vampirism before moving to a different town and starting over.  Do not look for that here as this is an absurdly cheep B-grade dark comedy that takes place in what seems to be an empty warehouse.

It's about as well written as your average elementary school writing assignment complete with bad fart and anatomy jokes (The two lead dentists names are "Moe Lars and Pierce Able").  The two struggling day shift dentists pretty much sexually harass every woman that comes to their office (in a G rated way) yet they still somehow have business.  We won't even mention the running gag of the fact that delivery drivers always start off by saying that they couldn't find the place due to there being no sign yet the clients find it no problem.   

Eventually the film then remembers that they think they need a storyline so after well over an hour of just people with different "comical" personality quirks coming into the dentist office and getting seen by dentists they decide to throw in a sort of love triangle between the vampire dentist, one of the daytime dentists (who switches to nights halfway through to help with the vampire clientele for some reason) and a blind woman.  Again, elementary school writing assignment level so don't expect it to make sense or mean anything. In fact, since the movie HAS NO ENDING don't really take anything that happens in it seriously.  This is literally an hour and a half of filler with no real purpose that just stops. 

Female Vampire Factor:  All the night clients are vampires but basically cartoony versions.  Goth makeup, cheep fangs, black clothing and Dracula capes.  All the female vamps (and pretty much everyone else in the film) are clients in the "waiting room" of the makeshift dentists office the film is located in.
 In between the dentist scenes are various outdoor scenes of the vampires attacking the day clients which would then turn them creating more clients for the night dentist (Dr Vam Dent)
There is even kind of an awkward scene toward the end of the movie where they recycle one of the films actresses that played a vampire in an earlier scene.
Which wouldn't even be noticeable if they didn't go out of their way to tell you that's exactly what's happening.
So obviously this was a film that was made as campy as possible for the film makers amusement.  Normally this type of film only works if it's more sarcastic humor.  The type of comedy you see here is better used if It would have been  a 10 minute comedy skit instead of an hour and a half movie that threatens its viewing audience with a sequel when nothing happened in the one they just watched.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.


1 comment:

  1. great work you do here, especially appreciate your taking the hit for us by descending into the nether world of movies like this, discovering the odd gem (which this obviously wasn't)