Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Sexy Female Vamps of the "Tales From the Crypt" franchise

Tales From the Crypt was a television series which originally aired on the HBO premium cable network from 1989 to 1996.  The series was based on the comic book franchise of the same name with most episodes being ripped directly from issues of that among other comics produced by EC Comics in the 1950's.  The series was pretty much identicle to the many horror short film format TV show franchises that came before it like the Twilight Zone, Tales from the Darkside, Night Gallery etc with the only seperating factor between this franchise and those others being that its episodes were a lot more adult themed being that HBO is a pay to watch network thus no censors so foul language, nudity, and violence was definitely not avoided.

In the shows seven year run there were only three vampire related episodes and only two contained female vampires (The 7th episode of the 3rd season titled "The Reluctant Vampire" was about a vampire night watchman who didn't feed on humans but was being hunted as his employer at the blood bank he guarded suspected what he was). Toward the end of the shows run they began plans to move into making theatrical releases with the first in the series being 1995s "Demon Nights".  The films would follow the same format of the show but unlike the stories on the series they would relate to one another (instead of stand alone stories).  The component that ended up tying two of the films together (the third film titled "Ritual" released in 2001 does not tie to the previous two) is an artifact called "The Key".  In 1996 the franchise released their second full length theatrical feature "Bordello of Blood" which revolved completely around female vampires.  Unfortunately it bombed at the box office much in part (at least in my opinion) to the casting of not very funny comedian Dennis Miller as the leading man who would go on to regularly bash the movie while he was supposed to be promoting it even though he himself was probably the worst part of it but we'll get to that in a bit. (WARNING: being that the shows format is completely based on twist endings EVERYTHING BELOW IS A SPOILER)

Vampiress Cast

Grace Zabriskie (Mrs Colbert: Season 2, Episode 18 "The Secret") 
In this episode a young orphan named Theordore is adopted by a rich couple.  While with them he develops a close bond with their butler "Tobias" who eventually becomes protective of the young man who reminds him of himself since he at one time was an orphan.  This relationship works out great for Theodore because the Colberts have a secret, they are really vampires and plan on feeding off of him.  (side note: this is a great episode which from what I hear is not aired in syndication which is sad as their is a MAJOR plot twist beyond the vampire plot which gets the viewer extremely vested in the outcome).

Beverly D'Angelo (Janice Baird: Season 4, Episode 13 "Werewolf Concerto")
I know I couldn't be the only person who thought that Mrs Ellen Griswald from the National Lampoon Vacation films was unbelievably hot so when this episode which has her as a seductive countess/socialite/musician showed up it automatically became one of my favorite all time episodes.  In it former James Bond actor Timothy Dalton stars as a werewolf hunter who comes to protect the residents of a remote hotel when rumors are reported of one being in the area.  The twist...  It was all a trap to lour Daltons character Lokai out by D'Angelo aka Ms. Baird as she knows that his secret is that HE in fact is a werewolf and she just happens to be a vampire who feeds on them.

Tales From the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood

Angie Everheart (Lilith: "Tales From the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood)
Ever since the term was introduced in the 1970's male fang bangers always wondered what would happen if a Supermodel became a vampire.  (A supermodel is basically a term for a runway model who becomes so famous that they achieve celebrity status).  Everheart IS the most famous redheaded model ever and she fit the role of vampire bordello madam Lilith just as perfectly as she fit the clothes she wore down the runways of Paris.  She was sexy, seductive and slutty in an extremely evil way (my favorite scene being her trying to seduce Rafe (Dennis Miller) by living out different fantasies including a sexy cheerleader).  As I said above, replace Dennis Miller with a better actor who could have played off of her character with anything other than over thought out sarcastic jokes from his stand up routine and this movie is a lot better than it ended up being.  

 Kiara Hunter (Tamara: "Tales From the Crypt presents: "Bordello of Blood")
While there were a lot of female vampire prostitutes in this film (and I mean A LOT!!!!).  Tammy was special (at least special enough that she gets a lot of screen time for whatever reason).  We first see her in a scene where Rafe sneaks into the funeral parler/bordello for clues on the whereabouts of the younger brother of his client.  He is not caught because Lilith is busy at the time interviewing Tammy who has applied to be the bordello's newest employee (yes, there apparently is an interview process to determine if you're qualified to have sex for money). After awhile you hear a scream from the office (obviously alluding that she got the job).  The next time we see her she happens to be the female who meets Rafe when he officially gets his turn in the Bordello.  That's when we find out she's in to S&M.  Rafe eventually tricks her, ties her up and escapes.  Our last visit with Tammy is when Rafe is recovering in a hospital while being held by police.  She walks in dressed as a nurse and excuses the officer in charge of guarding the room by sucking him dry in an attempt to kill Rafe.  Unfortunately this all happens during the day so all he has to do is expose her untreated back to a window and she fries like an egg.  In retrospect she was a horrible vampire lacky who was easily tricked by the smallest distraction.

Erika Elaniak (Katherine Vourdeoux: "Tales From the Crypt presents: Bordello of Blood")
The former Playboy Playmate and Baywatch Babe stars as the uptight producer of a christian televangelist TV program who hires Dennis Miller to find her brother who was last seen at the bordello.  Rafe falls for her immediately but she wants absolutely nothing to do with him romantically as she is a very moralistic person and he is the very opposite.  That is until the very end of the film as they take the severed heart of Lilith away she seems to let her guard down and finally starts to gives in to his "charms".  At least that's what it looks like until in the middle of a makeout session he stops to ask her what kind of perfume she's wearing.  Just then we see him lift her skirt to reveal two puncture marks on her upper thigh (forcing us to remember Lilith stating earlier in the film while holding Katherine prisoner that she doesn't like biting women on the neck).  She then lets Rafe know that it's not perfume and that it's sunblock followed by her sprouting a set of fangs and sucking the life out of him. Unfortunately the character "Rafe's" death happens an hour and 19 minutes too late to save the movie from his annoying on screen persona.  If only they had cast Corey Feldman as Rafe instead of giving him a supporting role (which he was awesome at by the way).


  1. I definitely wouldn't mind if more movies like this were made.
    Heck, there should be an entire movie series about lesbian/bisexual vampire hookers with more entries than Friday the 13th.

  2. It's about time Bordello of Blood got remade with a crew of Victoria's Secret models.