Celebrity Halloween Costume Contest 2013 edition

Ariana Grande (Singer)

 

Jasmin Walia and Abi Clarke (Actress)

Kim Kardashian (actress/singer)

Previous edition 2012

Vampiress Review: Embrace of the Vampire (2013)

The Gist: A remake of the 1995 film which originally starred Martin Kemp and Alyssa Milano's breasts.

Clarification:  Same general story but makes way more sense than the original.  Charlotte is a mousey shy young woman who is off to college on a fencing scholarship.  When she gets there she has to deal with having really slutty roommates, really pushy team mates along with having black outs which results in her having sex dreams (which is really traumatizing for a sheltered virgin).  She eventually finds out the sex dream problems stem from her being the ancestor of a powerful vampire and one of her victims is coming for her as drinking her blood would regain his humanity.  Low and behold that vampire just so happens to be her fencing coach.

Selling Point: In this version you don't have to wait till the end of the movie for the (much hotter and graphic) lesbian scene.  This time it's between Charlotte and one of her fencing team mates Sarah (played by Chelsey Reist) which ends in fangs (Below).

Who needs feminine protection with friends like these?

Vampire Beauty Rating:  Outside of the above scene the only other female vampire is Charlottes vampire ancestor Sorina played by Claire Smithies.  Sorina is only scene in flashbacks and takes the place of the three random naked women briefly show in the original.

Well we went from hardly any female vamp action in the original to an upgrade to barely any in the remake.  On the bright side, as stated, the lesbian scene (which is the only thing that made the original worth watching) has now been tied in to a female vamp scene.  Otherwise there is probably more gratuitous sex in this film than the original but nowhere near as kinky (no random threesomes this time around).  At the end of the day I'm actually sold on this movie just because it actually made sense and wasn't made for shock value.  In other words they actually attempted to tell a story and a very well done one at that.  Anyway this film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5 (for those keeping count that's one more than the original got from me).  

Full Movie

Vampiress Review: The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice

The Gist: A female vampire enlists the help of a collector of ancient artifacts in order to help her find a chalice which resurrects dead vampires. 

 

Clarification: Originally this was a basic cable movie which aired on the TNT network in 2008 and is part of a trilogy of movies starring network television stars Noah Wyle, Bob Newhart and Jane Curtain based on a set of novels.  Basically this is a basic cable "Indiana Jones" making an otherwise boring job into an action hero.  In this case it's about the Librarian attempting to stop of group of Russian mobsters from resurrecting Dracula.

Selling Point: The movie is actually pretty enjoyable.

Female Vampire Factor: As the story goes Flynn (The Librarian) is having lady problems and goes to New Orleans for a vacation after he has a dream about a beautiful woman who leads him there.  Once he gets there he sees the same woman from his dream singing at a club.  From there they sleep together and eventually go off looking for the Chalice together but only after she reveals herself to be a vampire and he gets over how freaked out he initially is about it. 

Stana Katic (Simone Renoir)

Simone is a 403 year old vampire from France who's goal in her unending existence is to find the vampire that turned her and get her revenge.  She's a very playful vampire who doesn't feed on live humans but instead depends on blood bags.   Her attraction to Flynn stems from his resemblance to the fiance she had prior to turning and for that is extremely loyal to him often doing whatever she can to protect him. 

She is definitely the perfect girlfriend, sexy, french accent and a sense of humor which includes fanging out for fun.  Without spoiling it too much poor Flynn pretty much gets dicked over at the end for lack of a better word.  This is one of those "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" flicks (don't get me wrong it's a basic cable action flick not a romance) but still, what's the point of getting seduced by a hot vampire who's supposed to be immortal if shes not going to stick around.  Anyway the film gets a Vampire Beauty rating of 3 out of 5.  The whole thing is pretty much about Simone and as I mentioned she's an easy vampire to fall for.

Where to Watch