Tuesday, January 8, 2013

2012 Vampiress Year in Review

So I'm now officially back from my little blogging hiatus so what better way to start off than a little year in review recap of the vampiress genre.  Tons of ups and downs so lets start with the biggest one

The End of the Twilight Saga
OK let me just put it out there.  The films for a fantasy story in the same light as "The Princess Bride" or "Lord of the Rings" etc weren't that bad.  It was just GAWD AWFUL as far as being a vampire flick. I can't be too hard on it being that it ended on a "baby daddy" custody battle and an attractive female becoming a fairy vampire but none the less I can't say I'm too sorry to see it go.  It's not like this will be the last of the complete dismantling of Vampires as creatures to fear but instead figments for women to fantasize about falling in love with.  Especially with the on again off again chance of a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" reboot as well as the resurrection of Anne Rices "Vampire Chronicles"  and a film adaptation of "Vampire Acadamy" looming on the horizon.

The one thing that does make me sad about the series ending would be the chance of Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) falling into irrelavents which means no more random pics of her wearing fangs for no reason which seemed to come out regularly (below).

Death dealer Selene FINALLY does something Vampiric
It took 5 movies but Selene the sword swinging, gun toting, cross species screwing would be vampire princess assassin finally remembered that she indeed is a vampire in the latest installment of the Underworld saga which came out in 2012.  In the scene in which she's escaping from her human captors she bares her fangs and feeds on a truck driver BloodRayne style (video game BloodRayne, not Uwe Boll neutered movie BloodRayne) in order to heal from a gun shot to the head. 
This scene is so BloodRayne like that it almost makes up for the 1 decent and 2 horrible BloodRayne movies we've had to endure (not to mention the probably horrible gangster themed BloodRayne film Boll has in pre production now). If only this happened more often.  I swear Selene has to have the greatest self control ever in order to shoot and stab people all day and NEVER get hungry.

Tim Burton murders Dark Shadows

I was all for a Dark Shadows remake when I first heard about the project and had a lot of respect for Johnny Depp for coming up with the idea.  That all got flushed as soon as Tim Burton's name popped up with the project.  Tim Burton did wonders for rebranding the Batman franchise when his big screen version resembled a more dark yet over the top direction than what had been the status quo for the character.  Problem is ever since then he's done the SAME THING FOR EVERY MOVIE HE'S DONE.  Willie Wonka, the Mad Hatter and Barnabus Collins might as well all been the same character.  Then to make matters worse, it is a COMEDY.   The one very bright spot in the film was Eva Greens portrayal of Angelique Bouchard which was fantastic.  Unfortunately even that becomes part of a cruel joke as they do have Angelique get turned in the film (just as she was in the original series) but we never actually see her as a vampire as our last glimpse of her is her eyes opening after she plunges into the ocean.  That's right, an open ending in which Tim Burton has stated he never had any intention of following up on (IE no sequal).  Thanks for nothing Tim Burton!

1995 called and they said they'd pay triple for access to this film.
If this movie came out 15 years ago, it's a huge deal.  Vamps is a film in the same take as "Clueless" (created by the same director).  The story revolves around two single female vampires living it up in New York city.  Not only do you get a fanged Alicia Silverstone in this film but you get Sigourney Weaver as well. Having a slutty vampire Krysten Ritter is only a bonus.

I don't know if my babysitter is a vampire because I don't see her that much anymore
 The second season of "My Babysitters a Vampire" debuted and to put it lightly, sucked.  It reverted to a live action scooby doo type show where the main characters fought strange supernatural beings every week.  It eventually got to the point where the character Sara only really came around at the end of episodes as a secret weapon ala the sword Voltron used to use that would kill the evil robeast in one swipe that you always wondered why they never just used in the first place.  Needless to say, the show has yet to be renewed for a third season and it's looking more and more like it's not going to happen.

Main Character Vampires Gone Wild

The best part of 2012 by far is that on the top 2 vampire TV shows not only did main human characters get turned into vampires but they let it all out.

First on True Blood Tara Thornton who had gotten shot in the head at the end of season 4 gets turned by Pam and by the end of the season 5 not only is she happy to be a vampire, but she's now a vampire stripper in a lesbian relationship with her maker.  I honestly don't think you can get any better than that.
This by the way in the same season that Jessica Hamby is seen in the first episode in a little red riding hood costume straight out of your local stripper costume store!

In the less rated "M" world of Vampires Elena Gilbert of the Vampire Diaries is also turned and struggles for quite a few episodes controlling her blood thirst.  It doesn't help that Damon eventually corrupts her into feeding directly from the vein and to enjoy human blood similar to a drug.

There you have it, the biggest vampiric stories of 2012.  2013 should be an interesting year with more lesbian vampirism on True Blood as well as no less than 9 major films set to come out.  Hopefully they'll be enough hot female vampires in them to keep me busy for awhile.

1 comment:

  1. A rather disappointing year with a few exceptions. With upcoming movies like Vamp U and Bloodsucka Jones this year should hopefully be more interesting.