Vampiress TV Review: Van Helsing (TV show)

Van Helsing is a television series produced in Canada which has aired since 2016 on the SyFy channel and is based on a graphic novel of the same name.

It falls into the same premise as the other more famous graphic novel turned TV show the Walking Dead in which it takes place in a post Apocalyptic United States where vampires (instead of zombies) have taken over and a small group of survivors try not to get captured or turned.

The main character of the series is a female named Vanessa (Kelly Overton)

She's pretty much Sarah Conner from Terminator 2.  Bad ass woman who goes around beating up and shooting things while leading a resistance and wanting to protect her kid.  In the beginning we don't know much about her other than she woke up from a coma with both the military and the vampires looking to retrieve her and she has a daughter that's missing but when she wakes up she discovers that she's basically a reverse vampire.  That means she has all the powers of a vampire but none of the weaknesses.  She doesn't need human blood to live like a tradition vampire but drinking blood boosts all her powers similar to Popeye eating spinach.  Also if she bites a vampire they become human again.

As for vampires in this series they fall into two categories, ferals and non ferels.  It's explained that once a vampire is turned if they feed on animal blood they pretty much lose all humanity basically attacking anything that moves (basically this series version of the Walking Dead zombies).  If they feed on human blood within a certain time of turning they just become a more evil and aggressive version of themselves with blood lust.   The non feral vampires barely get any screen time as the series mostly revolves around Vanessa and the survivors she is with.  As season 1 progresses we are introduced to a few that includes a very attractive vamp named Rebecca.

We eventually learn that it is Rebecca who has Vanessa's daughter Dylan who has been turned and she's been raising her as her own.

Dylan being a young girl via the unwritten rule of all vampire film and TV is way more powerful and dangerous than any other vampire as she's been enhanced by the vampires scientists to be immune to sunlight and she's barely controllable with the temperament of a feral but the intelligence of a non feral.

The vampires of the series minus the special cases above have all the regular storybook weaknesses. They've gotten around the sunlight problem through polluting the air to where sunlight doesn't get through and the vampires in the series do not have fangs with them basically just looking like walking corpses.

 The first season of the series honestly is pretty hard to watch as the series starts out extremely slow with the characters backstories being explained throughout the series very vaguely.  In fact I would say that the first half of the season is pretty much skipable and you won't be worse for wear.  The end of season 1 and beyond on the other hand is a very enjoyable action series that I would recommend.

Vampiress Review: "Death Hunter: Werewolves vs Vampires"

The Gist:  After his wife gets taken by vampires a man sets out to rescue her after getting special abilities.

Clarification: In spite of the name of the film there really isn't much werewolf related with the film.  The main protagonist gets bitten by one and when he gets an antidote it gives him superpowers. The beginning of the film is basically a cheap version of From Dusk Till Dawn where the hero and his wife run out of gas in the middle of nowhere and has to stop at a strip club inhabited by vampires.  Once he escapes, the film just throws a lot of randomness at you that's no different than most low budget films of this type that leads to a pretty anti climactic ending. 

Selling Point: Can't really find one.

Female Vampire Factor:  Most of the ones you see suffer from a lot of monster style makeup so they aren't really good to look at.  Occasionally sprinkled in you'll find a few where they obviously ran out of special effects to put on them thankfully.

Otherwise the bulk of the movie is about the hero getting his powers and training with some extra time filler of him meeting some random young people that has no real purpose as far as plot forwarding in the movie. I give this film a Vampire Beauty rating of 2 out of 5.  It's almost a safe bet that if a film has something vs vampires in the title you can pretty much skip it.

Vampiress Review: "Forest of the Vampire"

The Gist:  A group of travelers take a trip to a forest that ends up being haunted by a vampire.

Clarification:  I describe this movie as being bi-polar.  In that meaning there is about 15 to 20 minutes that is really enjoyable and then the rest is probably top 10 the worst thing you will ever set your eyes on.  Basically the first part of the film is random people who get attacked by a stereotypical Dracula inspired vampire.

Then we're introduced to the protagonists of the film who are two young couples who like in many low budget indy films like this are about as likable as a rabid pit bull as they just argue and complain to each other about each other a lot.

When they finally get to the haunted woods they're picked off one by one by vampires in somewhat of a daytime Blair Witch Project portion of the film other than you see what's killing them and it's not in first person (this was the enjoyable part).  Then the films last portion is what is best described as the wort acid trip known to man and is practically unwatchable.  I'm talking odd green screen effects featuring psychedelic colors and nausea inducing camera motion.

On top of that due to the distortion of the characters voices you can't really understand much of what they say during this point so even if you could watch it without feeling like you were on the worst rollercoaster ever you wouldn't understand it.

Selling Point: That small portion that is a horror movie is really enjoyable.

Female Vampire Factor:  (SPOILER ALERT)  So we have two vampires in these woods of note.  One is the Dracula looking one who is attacking anyone who comes in.  The other is a blonde woman who looks like she stepped right out of a Hammer Horror film who we find out is a good vampire looking to stop him.

These vampires can operate just fine in the daytime since the entire film takes place in the daytime. The only exception being when they go to the "what the hell am I watching" dimension at the end.

Two women who get attacked by the Dracula vamp do get turned and get to attack someone.

This includes one of the girls of the couple who for whatever reason is in only her bra and panties during this part.  The scene where she goes after the other girl would be pretty hot if it weren't for the voice distortion.

I give the movie a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  The above stills all come from one scene which should have been the entire movie.  Everything before and after this is either hard to watch or unwatchable unfortunately.