Vampiress Review: "Super Hot"

 

The Gist: A pizza delivery driver seeks the help of her friends to rescue her childhood best friend/crush when she moves in with a sorority of vampires.  

Female Vampire Factor: As mentioned the sorority in the film is a group of female vampires. 

Thing is only two of them actually fang out in the film and they're in quick flashes in one scene so not much actual vampirism happens.

Final Opinion:  This is one of those films that has so much potential but falls short due to a lot of attempted forced comedy that comes off annoying more than funny. 

A good majority of the movie is really annoying conversations between two people acting neurotic in cars.  Take away all of those scenes and the rest of the movie is actually pretty watchable. 

I mean the concept of a lesbian girl trying to save her high school crush from sorority vampires who she believes is trying to kill her works in every way if they knew how to concentrate on that story and not how socially awkward the protagonists of the film are around each other.

If the bulk of the film concentrated more on Jackie (the lesbian protagonist) and her relationship with Carmen (her crush) and how Carmen's personality was changing thanks to the new group she's hanging out with instead of Jackie driving around picking up people and talking about it, this could be an A+ film.  

As is I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Netflix's "The Babysitter" franchise is what I feel the modern standard is for this type of film (girl protagonist has a crush on ends up being a monster) and this falls short of meeting that standard but it's definitely a respectable try. It does announce a future sequel so we'll see what happens from there. 

Vampiress Review: "The Sisterhood"

The Gist: A girl gets recruited to join a sorority but her professor believes that her new friends are evil.

Clarification:  The director of this film also made the 2001 film The Brotherhood (and it's subsequent non vampire related sequels) which had a similar premise using a frat as a backdrop featuring a bunch of guys in their underwear so this is basically the guy friendly alternative to that film (That film did have a female vampire of sorts but nothing vampiric ever happens with her).  The story of this film is a college professor puts her students life in danger in order to prove her suspicion that a sorority is evil then waits till the last possible second (and after other girls have already been sacrificed) to save the students life.

Selling Point: This film contains a bit of slutty lesbianism

Female Vampire Factor:  Though the entire sorority is vampires the only one who fangs out is the sorority president Devin (Michelle Borth)

This scene which is the films end is literally the only vampiric thing in this movie. The rest of the film basically just comes off as a porn-less softcore porn playing off the sorority girl cliche.

So the premise is great but the execution is lacking as it doesn't have enough horror to be a good horror movie or enough smut to be a good smut film.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Stick with the film "Vamp U" (or the vampire episode of Smallville) if you want a more entertaining and vampiric version of the evil sorority story.

Vampiress Review: "Vamp U"

The Gist: A vampire living as a college professor gets buyers remorse when he turns a female coed into one of the undead once he realizes the evil he unleashed.

Clarification:  So the preview (below) makes you believe that the film is about the girls but it in fact is more about the vampire professor who's name just so happens to be Wayne Gretsky. As the story goes he was completely hung up on his one true love but accidentally killed her in a fit of blood lust (or so he thought which we'll get into later).  After that moment he could never get his fangs to work up until he set his sites for the first time on Chris who happens to be a dead ringer for his true love Mary.  What complicates things much more than the fact that vampire Chris is SUPER evil is the fact that she is also the daughter of Wayne's true love who didn't die after all and has been "living" as a vampire the entire time he thought she was dead.

Trailer

 

Selling Point:  Once the sorority girls become vampires they become VERY slutty

 Female Vampire Factor:  Taking into account what I've already mentioned regarding the film the whole "Slutty Vampire Sorority" girls portion takes awhile to get started but once it does, it's a pretty good payoff for fans of girls with fangs.  For those who have seen the vampire episode of "Smallville" you've pretty much seen this film.  The sole reason I can recommend this film is that indeed the female lead is evil...

Julie Gonzalo (Chris Keller/Mary Lipinsky)

Chris starts off as an innocent young college freshman.  That all changes when she has an affair with her history professor who sprouts a pair of fangs and bites her in hopes of spending an undead eternity with her feeding off of animal blood (he doesn't feed off of humans).  Instead she pretty much does what every female vampire on any episode of "True Blood" does as soon as she gets turned and goes on a long, bloody killing spree.  Is it just blood lust that will eventually wear off like every female turn on "The Vampire Diaries?" The answer is NO.  She becomes mad with power takes over her sorority turning those willing into vampires and killing the rest and apparently teaches them to use their hotness to bring in victims with the ultimate goal of becoming the leader of a large group of vampires.  How evil do you have to be when the vamp that turns you, your vampire mother (Also played by Gonzalo) and your high school sweetheart all come together in hopes of killing you?

 So in the end what you basically have is an American answer to the British film "Lesbian Vampire Killers" minus the nudity but with not as weird looking female vampires but just as obnoxious protagonists.  My only complaint regarding this film is that it is promoted like it would fall into a similar category as films in the National Lampoon and American Pie franchises (smut filled comedy) but falls short of achieving either at that level.  For that it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.

Where to Watch

Vampiress Review: Blood Sisters

The Gist: A young coed and her room mate are targeted by a sorority of homicidal vampires to become it's newest members.

Clarification:  This is one of those bad movies that would show up on the USA Network at about 3 in the morning if NBC Universal didn't buy the network and use it as the outlet channel for Law and Order reruns.  The best warning I can give before attempting to watch this film is that I'm 95% sure it was accidentally edited out of order (I should mention that the version I saw was the 3D addition).  Not that it would really matter considering the story structure even if in order is all over the place though I've reviewed movies that are WAY less watchable than this with the same problem.   So when you get to things happening like a vampire both having a heart to heart in the bedroom with another vamp while having a fight in the kitchen with a victim trying to escape seemingly at the same time, you're inclined to give it a pass as by that point there really are no expectations for the film.

Selling Point:  Most feeding scenes are preceded by a sexy strip tease.

Female Vampire Factor:  By my count only 2 guys get actual purpose outside of being an immediate victim meaning that the majority of the cast is female.  All the vampires that get any screen time are women and unlike many low budget "Hey, we have a camera and a computer, lets make a film" style movies like this the women are at the WORST an 8 out of 10.   That means if you're easily distracted by hot girls then you'll hardly notice the ridiculous amount of bad acting and story flaws that makes this movie very comical unintentionally. 

Eliza (above played by Deborah Huber) is the head vampiress of the sorority and also the oldest.   Despite us being told repeatedly in the film that she is the most dangerous of the group she actually does the least amount of killing as far as victims go and just kind of shows up for the scraps.  She can definitely be described as a snob and she's VERY bossy

The other two members of the sorority are Brandi (Anne Marie) and Rose (Phoebe Dollar).  Brandy comes off as a follower who pretty much does whatever she's told without question.  Rose on the other hand though just as slutty (these two are the ones who give naked strip shows throughout the film) seems to have either a conscience or just more logic to question whether they should be more careful in how they're feeding. Unfortunately for her that eventually puts her on Eliza's bad side.

Then we have our lovely coeds Melissa (Kerry Lui) and Tracy (Erica Howards).  Tracy is the one the group actually wants but Melissa just kind of tags along as she has nothing better to do since she comes off as a bit of a slacker (breaking every stereotype about Asian college students set by the Harold and Kumar film series).  I guess that comes into play after the two are initiated into the sorority and Tracy fights it while Melissa pretty much gives in immediately (below).

Though I don't condone irresponsible drinking, I've got to say that a pretty good drinking game to this movie would be to drink every time Tracy freaks out about something.  I don't know whether it's the acting or the character is written this way but she is just awkward.  Her reaction once she finds out that Melissa killed her "boyfriend" was easily the most funny and annoying thing I've every laid my eyes on (no matter what emotion the character seems to be dealing with it just comes off as whiny and nagging). I will give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5 as it has plenty of sex appeal but this is more of a film to watch if you enjoy laughing at absurdity. 

The Vampiress Episode: "Smallville"

"Thirst"

Season 5

Episode 5

"Smallville" is a show that ran originally on the defunct "WB" network in the United States then migrated to the replacement "CW" network from 2001 to 2011.  The show followed the life of a young Clark Kent who grew up in the rural Kansas town with his adopted parents as he dealt with teenage life while being "different".  Clark as many comic book fans know would eventually grow up to be "Superman" with the show's final seasons leading up to that point. 

In the season 5 Halloween episode (which is told from the perspective of the character "Chloe"), Lana Lang (Clarks childhood sweetheart) decides at the last minute that she was going to enroll to college at Metropolis University.  Unable to find housing she ends up pledging the Tri-Psi sorority which is the most exclusive one on campus.  After making it into the sorority she goes through the initiation ceremony which included sorority leader "Buffy Sanders" sprouting fangs and french kissing her after cutting her tongue thus turning Lana into one of the undead. 

Chloe after noticing a difference in Lana's demeanor ends up doing some digging and finds out about Buffy's past (which goes back much farther than a college students should) and enlists Clark to help save her best friend.  The biggest problem is that Lana likes being a vampire and doesn't want to be saved and is eventually ordered to make Clark her first victim. 

This isn't the only time the character "Lana Lang" has become a blood sucker on television. In the 80's/90's kids television series "The Adventures of Superboy" there was also an episode in which she was temporarily turned into a vampire(then played by eventual "Kindred the Embraced" Vampiress Stacy Haiduk).

Vampiress Cast

Brooke Nevin (Buffy Sanders)

Buffy was the head of the Tri Psi sorority.  She became a vampire after having a run in with kryptonite exposed vampire bats and decided to turn spreading her affliction into a reward for the smartest and prettiest girls at Metropolis University.  She comes off VERY anti men and this idea is further encouraged with her very lesbianic method of initiating girls into the group.  Buffy comes to her end after going too far and threatening a Kryptonian blood filled Lana (after drinking from Clark) who destroys her with heat vision that she gained from it.

 Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang)

Before Lois Lane, Lana was Clark's main crush.  This whole situation stemmed from her procrastinating but the result was probably one of the greatest short runs of a main character becoming a vampiress since Sophie turned in "Dracula the series".  Not only did Lana take being a blood sucker like a pro but had her first victim at a Halloween party dressed up like a sexy cat.  There is nothing more rewarding than a sexy female becoming a vampire and that female embracing it like it was the greatest thing that ever happened to her which she does. 

The Tri-Psi Girls

Erica Cerra, Keira Kabatow & Angelika Libera as the sorority girls

While there were many girls in the sorority, these were the main three that seemed to get all the attention.  Your first glimpse at the true nature of the sorority was these three girls answering the door in their bikini's much to the delight of the pizza delivery boy on the other end.  They invite him into their hot tub and just as he's thinking he has the greatest job ever they fang out and suck him dry.  I guess it's like the Joker says..."If you've got to go".

 If you can't tell by now this is definitely a "must see" episode.  You will not find a better "Vampiress Episode" on any show that will top this one.