Vampiress TV Review: Demons

 Season 1, Episode 4 "Suckers"

Demons is a series about a group of monster hunters.  In the group is a guy named Luke who is a relative of the original Abraham Van Helsing and Mina Harker.  Initially it is believed that she is a relative of the Mina Harker of Dracula lore but in this episode it's finally revealed to all tha she is one in the same. 

In this episode a vampire named Quincy comes to town and begins feeding on humans and the hunters create a plan to kill him but main hunter Galvin worries that Mina will stop them as she has done in the past.  Throughout the episode the viewer is led to believe that the vampire Quincy is also the same from the Dracula book until it's eventually revealed that he is in fact the not that Quincy but the son of Mina and Jonathon Harker that Mina turned to prevent him from dying of an illness. 

He unlike her does not hold back his urges and she distances herself from him but seems to always come back.  Eventually Mina realizes what she must do but once she has the chance she still can't bring herself to kill her own son. 

Eventually Quincy does get killed via being shot with a vampire cure by Luke Van Helsing resulting in him rapidly aging and dying of old age in Minas arms. 

Vampiress TV Review: The Thundermans

Season 4: 

Episode 1 

"Happy Heroween"

The Thundermans was a show that aired on the Nickelodeon cable network from 2013 to 2018.  The show revolved around a family of Superheroes and their everyday life or basically a live action version of the Incredibles. 

The season four premiere of the fourth season was a Halloween themed episode in which the family has plans to go out for Halloween but due to a storm hitting and knocking the power out they are stuck inside.  That's when Dr Colosso decides that his goal is to tell the family stories that will scare them. 

After a story about a troll that turns kids into candy and a story of a family of monsters getting attacked by people with pitch forks scares off everyone in the family, but the two oldest kids Max and Phoebe Dr Colosso then tells a story where Max Thunderman becomes a vampire.  He eventually turns their entire school into vampires leaving Phoebe and her friend Cherry to try to save everyone but eventually Phoebe is turned as well. 

Eventually Phoebe does save Max and restores his humanity but that doesn't help the rest of the kids in the school as Dr Colosso ends up being the master vampire and the rest of the kids then attack Phoebe and Max. 

Generally entertaining episode which is pretty surprising as Nickelodeon shows tend to not do the vampire genre much justice.  Audrey Whitby as Cherry does get a ton of screen time once she turns but it's a very short segment overall.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5. 

Where to Watch

Vampiress "After Dark" Review: Emmanuelle Through Time - Sexy Bite

The Gist: Emmanuelle along with the crew of her live stream blimp end up traveling to an alternate dimention where vampires are real.  

Clarification: In the 2000's the Emmanuelle series went from being overly romanticized softcore porn generally aimed at a female audience about a woman with an accent going to exotic places and screwing to basically whatever weird thing they could come up with since I guess she's screwed every human.  Like a naked Carmen Sandiego she'd go to different countries, then space and in this incarnation, she becomes a time traveler though in this particular film she also becomes a universe jumper.  That's right, Emmanuelle discovered the Multiverse 20+ years ago. Emmanuelle like James Bond is played by a different female every series and in this version she's played by Allie Haze in what I believe is her first role in anything. 

Imagine if they ever did one where all the different Emmanuelle's came together?   Anyway this film pretty much comes off as more of a parody of the vampire craze that had taken over media at the time as it had a ton of references to things like Twilight and Vampire Diaries.  It's definitely not meant to be taken seriously at all and can be categorized as an adult comedy. 

Female Vampire Factor:  There is technically 3.  I say technically because one of them just appears in one scene and is completely forgetton about as soon as she walks away. 

Then there is one that only exists outside the bar the crew of the Emmanuelle blimp goes to whose only appearance is in blue tint. 

And finally the female maker of the main vampires of the film who happens to look exactly like Emmanuelle thus even though she doesn't get turned we do get to see main actress Allie Haze with fangs. 

Final Thoughts:  Definitely not something you'd watch for the plot and the sex scenes aren't much to write home about as well.  Surprisingly the comedy is probably the best thing in it, specifically the character Renee.

She is one of the hosts of Emmanuelles TV network and her character is ditsy reminiscent of Chrissy from Three's Company.  The running joke with her is that as everyone else is afraid of the vampires, she is just horny and thinks being eaten is a sex reference when they warn her about it. 

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Not a must watch but isn't the worst thing in the world.  Unfortunately, from a female vampire standpoint it's a bunch of blink and you'll miss it moments. 

Vampiress Anime Review: Todd McFarlanes Spawn

Hunter's Moon

Season 3

Episode 4

Todd McFarlane's Spawn was an adult animated series which aired on the HBO premium cable network from 1997-1999 based on the comic book series of the same name.  The series followed a man who after death was resurrected as a demon type superhero who collected souls while struggling with memories of his old human life. 

In this episode a girl named Lilly shows up in town who seems on the service to be a sweet and innocent girl. 

but by the episodes end we find out that not only is she not a sweet an innocent girl but she is in fact a vampire sent to kill Spawn in an effort to repent for her own deeds from when she was alive. 

Spawn eventually ends up killing her by exposing her to sunlight during a fight. Unfortunately, this would be her one and only appearance.  She would definitely be a character I would like to see more of.  Being that she was one and done we don't even get a decent cosplay community for her but at least with the help of AI we can at least draw up what it would look like. 

Vampiress Review: Hollyblood

The Gist: A guy with a crush on a girl at his school finds out she has an obsession with finding a real life vampire and pretends to be one in an attempt to get her to fall for him. Unfortunately for him the vampire she is looking for does exist and isn't too happy with his act nor is a bully who also has eyes for the girl. 

Clarification: Nickelodeon came out with a similar flick called "Liar, Liar, Vampire" in 2015 with the same story of a guy pretending to be a vampire in an effort to impress a girl at his school who is obsessed with them.  This is a bit of an upgrade from that considering the twist of vampires actually being real with the last twenty minutes of the film being a supernatural action/horror film. 

Female Vampire Factor: In the major twist ending of the film we find out that the vampire that started the whole thing by turning the student who is actually one is their teacher, a catholic school nun. 

While she's not much to look at initially, once the odds are against her with the group of kids started to get the one up on her she transforms herself into basically a Selma Hayak in From Dusk Till Dawn type stripper which does briefly distract all the horny high school kids.  

In another twist all the female characters in the film briefly turn.   

When the group of kids realize that they are outmatched by the vampire nun they devise a plan in which they ingest the blood of who they thought was the bad vampire, a kid named Azreal which turns all (but the vampire hunter kid who turns it down) into vampires.  This condition reverses when they kill the nun which turns Azreal back to normal as well as anyone he turned. 

Final Thoughts: This is one of those films that would be really good if it would have just gotten to the point but instead it just drags on and on till it's pretty much unwatchable then gets good in the last 15-20 minutes. The parts that are good (the comedic parts) are very good such as their parody of Twilight and the overall theme at the end that nearly everyone in the film was lying to the main girl to get next to her including her best friend who you find out during the ending vampire fight was a lesbian who was faking a physical disability because it made the girl talk to her the whole time.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It tried to redeem itself at the end but it was way too late at that point.

Vampiress Review: The Invitation

The Gist:  An American girl struggling her way though life is found by a distant cousin who asks her to come to a family reunion in England where she finds her family there lives an upscale life but eventually finds out that that life comes at a price. 

Clarification: This film is your stereotypical "rich people are elite because they're actually monsters who kill the poor" storyline.  If you've ever seen the 1979 vampire film "Thirst" then basically this is a modern take on that.  In this case Evie the main character in the film learns that her family in England all work for a young English Lord who she falls for.

Just to then find out that he is a vampire and it is her birthright to be one of his three vampire brides after the previous third bride from her bloodline (Her great grandmother who looked exactly like her) had recently committed suicide and as the Dracula rule states there must always be three. 

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned above the purpose of Evie is to complete a trio of brides which then leaves the other two. 

Lucy (Alana Boden)

Lucy is the younger and nicer of the two who just wants them all to get along.  She tries her best to make Evie comfortable but kind of hard to do when the thing you're talking about in a sweet and loving way is eating people.  

Viktoria (Stephanie Corneliussen)

Victoria is the stereotypical mean girl of the two.  She's also revealed to be the monstery figure that haunts the manor and is offing the help in the shadows in the early parts of the movie.  She's really into being the murdering monster and it comes off as she just deals with the whole "being one of three brides" thing because it's a requirement for the vampire powers but otherwise would rather not deal with her more humane sisters. 

They end up dying after Lucy comes to Evie's aid when Viktoria attempts to kill her.  Lucy gets tired of Viktoria and ends up plunging both her and Viktoria through a sharp object that vampires probalby shouldn't have in their homes if sharp objects through the heart kill them. 

Evie (Nathalie Emmanuelle)

By the films end Evie decides with the help of some knowledge from Lucy that the best way to handle the situation is from the inside.  She agrees to marry the Lord and as soon as she drinks his blood to get the vampire powers she sets fire to the place and uses those powers to fight both Vicktoria (who still ends up proving to be way above her skill level requiring Lucy to save her) but eventually taking out both Renfield the head servant and the Lord himself resulting in her reverting back to human as she never drank from a human preventing her from going full vampire (as in the folklore of this film if the head vampire dies all vampires he turns dies with them).   

I'll give it a solid Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  Nothing vampiric actually happens other than the 4 vampires in the film do have conversations with their fangs out once the big reveal happens an hour or so in but the only attacking and blood drinking done in the film is the murders Viktoria does off camera before you learn of the vampires and a scene of Renfield extracting it by slitting a maids throat.  With the exception of the supernatural fight scenes at the end the whole movie could have been done without the vampire twist and it wouldn't have made much of a difference.  

Vampiress TV Review: Hercules: the Legendary Journey

 Season 6, Episode 4 "Darkness Visible"

Hercules The Legendary journeys was a television series which aired in American Syndication from 1995 to 1999.  The show would go on to have two spinoffs, the much more popular Xena: Warrior Princess and the slightly less popular Young Hercules which started a not yet famous Ryan Gosling.  All three series would have an episode dedicated to vampires with the Young Hercules and Xena episodes connecting to one another.  The episode of this show would go a different route.  

In this show they associate Hercules with the real life Vlad the Impaler. 

It is Hercules who goes to Vlad's castle after being summoned that it was being attacked by Dampier but by the time he gets there it's too late and Vlad has already been turned into a vampire.  Hercules then has to fight his old friend who wants to bleed him dry for power. 

Female Vampire Factor

In the episode Vlad has taken a village girl who went there for refuge named Nadia and turned her.  You see her attack a guy in the opening shot of the episode. 

She ends up doing most of the vampire stuff on the show as she eventually turns her brother.

and only moments later turns Hercules' partner Iolaus. 

While not a bad episode it is definitely the weakest vampire episode of the three shows with Bacchus being a much better main villain than Vlad on the other two programs with a much more impressive harem of vampiress henchwomen then just one woman and the two people she turned in the episode.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5. 

Vampiress TV Review: Silk Stalkings

"I Love the Nightlife"

Season 6

Episode: 20

Silk Stalkings was a night time crime drama which aired on the USA Network in the 90's.  The selling point of the series was that the crimes on each episode usually happened just before or after a half naked woman was going to have sex with someone. 

In this episode a guy who thought he was a vampire would go to a goth bar and pick of random women.  He would drug them then take him back to his place and during sex two women would show up and they would kill the woman and drain them of blood.  The guy and one of the girls named Lilith sported fangs when they did their kills. 

As the episode went on it became clear that the non fanged one Tara was Liliths side piece.  She never actually sported fangs and it was her that lead to the trio's eventually capture. 

The episode ends with Lilith turning on the male vampire and giving the detectives a crossbow loaded with a wooden stake which finally took him down after guns didn't work.  They then find he was wearing fake fangs and a bullet proof vest.  They then capture Lilith and take her to jail but the last thing we see is that she bit and drained her cell mate. 

Before heading back to the goth club fanging out one last time before the credits roll implying that she was the real vampire the whole time.

 

It was an ok episode only bogged down by the secondary storyline of the female detectives love life where she's in a complicated relationship with a guy going through a divorce from a woman who is mentally unstable.