Vampiress Review: "I Like Bats"

 

The Gist: A female vampire struggling with what she is makes matters worse by falling in love with the psychologist that she goes to for help who believes she's insane and not really a vampire. 

Clarification: Isabella is a single woman who gets nagged by her family over the fact that she continues to be single.  On top of that she has a nasty habit of going out at night and killing people as she's also a vampire. 

She sees a commercial for a psychologist at a mental hospital, so she goes there and gets committed once she tries to explain to him that she's a vampire.  

From there you get an odd dynamic between the two as she is admitting what she is and everything she actual does to him, but he brushes it off as paranoid psychotic delusions she's having. That is until members of the hospital staff go missing and an inmate catches her in the act.  

Female Vampire Factor:  Despite you finding out eventually that her whole family are vampires, Isabella is who the film revolves around and is the only one shown doing anything vampiric.  When it comes to her fangs you only actually see them once in the film and that's during a very odd scene where she starts hysterically laughing after a guy tries to scare her with a vampire mask. I guess she laughs so hard she loses control of them and they come out resulting in the guy dying of a heart attack upon seeing them. 

(SPOILER ALERT)

Also in the films end it's revealed that her and the psychologist end up getting married and having a daughter who is born a vampire. 

 

Final Opinion: The concept is good; the execution is somewhat lacking.  By that I'd say that this film would be a great candidate for a remake.  As is it really doesn't know whether it wants to be a comedy or a horror and doesn't do either all too well and sadly the vampiric scenes are probably the most disappointing part of it when it should be the selling point as like I said the one weird scene is the only time you see Isabella's fangs.  With that I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It's pretty hard to come by a decent telling of the "Female Vampire who falls in love with a human and wants to be normal" story but the film Lady Dracula is still the standard and this is far from that.  

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Vampiress Review: Dangerous Seductress

 

The Gist: After getting possessed with the spirit of the Queen of Darkness a victim of abuse becomes a predator who goes out at night looking for men to murder. 

Clarification: Suzie is a hot woman who has an abusive boyfriend who goes to live with her hot model sister when she gets tired of him getting drunk and beating her.  Once she gets there she finds an old weird book which she then reads causing a demon woman to offer her powers in exchange for murdering men.   From there it's up to her sister to try to release her from the spell of the Queen of Darkness which is easier said than done since Suzie likes her newfound powers which prevents her from being a victim. 

 

Female Vampire Factor: You have two.  First is the Queen of Darkness who is mainly just seen in the films beginning as she's being resurrected. 

Then you have Suzie once the Queen takes over her body. 

Final Opinion: This is a B-movie from Indonesia where the only real vampiric thing about the vampires in the film is that they do have fangs.  Otherwise, the main vampire Suzie's method of killing is stabbing people with sharp objects. Also, she doesn't actually drink the blood of her victims as it is then sucked in by the spirit of the Queen of Darkness via a mirror that she is trapped in. 

The film itself gives some "Weird Science" vibes in that the bulk of it is really about showing off how hot Suzie is.  A ton of screen time goes to just checking out her sexy outfits she would seduce men with, pretty much just making her Lisa from Weird Science if she was less helpful and super homicidal. 

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  You definitely aren't watching this film for the plot with much of it coming off more unintentionally comedic that horrific.  In fact, it feels more like it would have been better as one of those mature FMV video games that came out in that era than a standalone movie since it's that kind of production.  

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Vampiress Review: "A Feast of Flesh"

The Gist: A woman is taken in by a vampire in order to be turned into a vampire call girl and it's up to her ex-boyfriend and a group of vampire slayers to save her whether she wants to be or not. 

Female Vampire Factor: Every female but one in the film is a vampire. The bulk of the fang outs you can see come in the form of the main character Theresa being turned.

 And the scene in which the main characters friends enter the brothel and get laid before being fed on. 

Other than that, you can see them very quickly throughout the film during the movies multiple fight scenes. 

Final Opinion: This film is very hard to follow and not exactly worth trying too anyway.  The problem being it's one of those films that tries so hard to have a plot that it feels super forced and barely makes sense.  What makes matters worse is plot wise it's nearly a really poor adaptation of the story from Vampz: Sista Vampires whose plot was also pretty rough, also being about an abused woman who gets taken in by a group of vampires who do sexy stuff to bring in victims, but the execution was much better in that movie.  By the end of the film all the fighting the vampire hunters did was made irrelevant almost as if they just didn't feel like or got writers block from coming up with a good ending and just decided to wish away the whole plot.  Not that the fate of the hunters really matters as they might as well be the villains of the film as there is nothing really likeable about them as they literally kidnap and force a couple of innocents including the main girls ex-boyfriend into unsafe situations at gunpoint. By comparison the vampires seem to have more emotions and empathy for others hence them voluntarily taking in Theresa.   I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  As mentioned Sista Vampires is the better option is you're looking for a film with a plot like this. 

  

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Vampiress TV Review: Demons

 Season 1, Episode 4 "Suckers"

Demons is a series about a group of monster hunters.  In the group is a guy named Luke who is a relative of the original Abraham Van Helsing and Mina Harker.  Initially it is believed that she is a relative of the Mina Harker of Dracula lore but in this episode it's finally revealed to all tha she is one in the same. 

In this episode a vampire named Quincy comes to town and begins feeding on humans and the hunters create a plan to kill him but main hunter Galvin worries that Mina will stop them as she has done in the past.  Throughout the episode the viewer is led to believe that the vampire Quincy is also the same from the Dracula book until it's eventually revealed that he is in fact the not that Quincy but the son of Mina and Jonathon Harker that Mina turned to prevent him from dying of an illness. 

He unlike her does not hold back his urges and she distances herself from him but seems to always come back.  Eventually Mina realizes what she must do but once she has the chance she still can't bring herself to kill her own son. 

Eventually Quincy does get killed via being shot with a vampire cure by Luke Van Helsing resulting in him rapidly aging and dying of old age in Minas arms. 

Vampiress TV Review: The Thundermans

Season 4: 

Episode 1 

"Happy Heroween"

The Thundermans was a show that aired on the Nickelodeon cable network from 2013 to 2018.  The show revolved around a family of Superheroes and their everyday life or basically a live action version of the Incredibles. 

The season four premiere of the fourth season was a Halloween themed episode in which the family has plans to go out for Halloween but due to a storm hitting and knocking the power out they are stuck inside.  That's when Dr Colosso decides that his goal is to tell the family stories that will scare them. 

After a story about a troll that turns kids into candy and a story of a family of monsters getting attacked by people with pitch forks scares off everyone in the family, but the two oldest kids Max and Phoebe Dr Colosso then tells a story where Max Thunderman becomes a vampire.  He eventually turns their entire school into vampires leaving Phoebe and her friend Cherry to try to save everyone but eventually Phoebe is turned as well. 

Eventually Phoebe does save Max and restores his humanity but that doesn't help the rest of the kids in the school as Dr Colosso ends up being the master vampire and the rest of the kids then attack Phoebe and Max. 

Generally entertaining episode which is pretty surprising as Nickelodeon shows tend to not do the vampire genre much justice.  Audrey Whitby as Cherry does get a ton of screen time once she turns but it's a very short segment overall.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5. 

Where to Watch

Vampiress "After Dark" Review: Emmanuelle Through Time - Sexy Bite

The Gist: Emmanuelle along with the crew of her live stream blimp end up traveling to an alternate dimention where vampires are real.  

Clarification: In the 2000's the Emmanuelle series went from being overly romanticized softcore porn generally aimed at a female audience about a woman with an accent going to exotic places and screwing to basically whatever weird thing they could come up with since I guess she's screwed every human.  Like a naked Carmen Sandiego she'd go to different countries, then space and in this incarnation, she becomes a time traveler though in this particular film she also becomes a universe jumper.  That's right, Emmanuelle discovered the Multiverse 20+ years ago. Emmanuelle like James Bond is played by a different female every series and in this version she's played by Allie Haze in what I believe is her first role in anything. 

Imagine if they ever did one where all the different Emmanuelle's came together?   Anyway this film pretty much comes off as more of a parody of the vampire craze that had taken over media at the time as it had a ton of references to things like Twilight and Vampire Diaries.  It's definitely not meant to be taken seriously at all and can be categorized as an adult comedy. 

Female Vampire Factor:  There is technically 3.  I say technically because one of them just appears in one scene and is completely forgetton about as soon as she walks away. 

Then there is one that only exists outside the bar the crew of the Emmanuelle blimp goes to whose only appearance is in blue tint. 

And finally the female maker of the main vampires of the film who happens to look exactly like Emmanuelle thus even though she doesn't get turned we do get to see main actress Allie Haze with fangs. 

Final Thoughts:  Definitely not something you'd watch for the plot and the sex scenes aren't much to write home about as well.  Surprisingly the comedy is probably the best thing in it, specifically the character Renee.

She is one of the hosts of Emmanuelles TV network and her character is ditsy reminiscent of Chrissy from Three's Company.  The running joke with her is that as everyone else is afraid of the vampires, she is just horny and thinks being eaten is a sex reference when they warn her about it. 

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Not a must watch but isn't the worst thing in the world.  Unfortunately, from a female vampire standpoint it's a bunch of blink and you'll miss it moments. 

Vampiress Anime Review: Todd McFarlanes Spawn

Hunter's Moon

Season 3

Episode 4

Todd McFarlane's Spawn was an adult animated series which aired on the HBO premium cable network from 1997-1999 based on the comic book series of the same name.  The series followed a man who after death was resurrected as a demon type superhero who collected souls while struggling with memories of his old human life. 

In this episode a girl named Lilly shows up in town who seems on the service to be a sweet and innocent girl. 

but by the episodes end we find out that not only is she not a sweet an innocent girl but she is in fact a vampire sent to kill Spawn in an effort to repent for her own deeds from when she was alive. 

Spawn eventually ends up killing her by exposing her to sunlight during a fight. Unfortunately, this would be her one and only appearance.  She would definitely be a character I would like to see more of.  Being that she was one and done we don't even get a decent cosplay community for her but at least with the help of AI we can at least draw up what it would look like. 

Vampiress Review: Hollyblood

The Gist: A guy with a crush on a girl at his school finds out she has an obsession with finding a real life vampire and pretends to be one in an attempt to get her to fall for him. Unfortunately for him the vampire she is looking for does exist and isn't too happy with his act nor is a bully who also has eyes for the girl. 

Clarification: Nickelodeon came out with a similar flick called "Liar, Liar, Vampire" in 2015 with the same story of a guy pretending to be a vampire in an effort to impress a girl at his school who is obsessed with them.  This is a bit of an upgrade from that considering the twist of vampires actually being real with the last twenty minutes of the film being a supernatural action/horror film. 

Female Vampire Factor: In the major twist ending of the film we find out that the vampire that started the whole thing by turning the student who is actually one is their teacher, a catholic school nun. 

While she's not much to look at initially, once the odds are against her with the group of kids started to get the one up on her she transforms herself into basically a Selma Hayak in From Dusk Till Dawn type stripper which does briefly distract all the horny high school kids.  

In another twist all the female characters in the film briefly turn.   

When the group of kids realize that they are outmatched by the vampire nun they devise a plan in which they ingest the blood of who they thought was the bad vampire, a kid named Azreal which turns all (but the vampire hunter kid who turns it down) into vampires.  This condition reverses when they kill the nun which turns Azreal back to normal as well as anyone he turned. 

Final Thoughts: This is one of those films that would be really good if it would have just gotten to the point but instead it just drags on and on till it's pretty much unwatchable then gets good in the last 15-20 minutes. The parts that are good (the comedic parts) are very good such as their parody of Twilight and the overall theme at the end that nearly everyone in the film was lying to the main girl to get next to her including her best friend who you find out during the ending vampire fight was a lesbian who was faking a physical disability because it made the girl talk to her the whole time.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It tried to redeem itself at the end but it was way too late at that point.