Vampiress Review: "Female Vampires Online"

The Gist: A college student recruits his friend and a college professor to follow two girls to Vegas in order to save them from a brood of vampires who run an adult website.

Clarification:  The concept gets an A+.  The execution gets an F--- (yep that's three minuses this one is pretty bad).  So from what I understand this was a web series that was then re-released as a full film.  Problem is the story goes all over the place. In order to pull this off the film needs to be re-edited to tell one story instead of the several stories split up by episode that you get in a web series.

Biggest Complaint: The bulk of this film revolves around a search for a peeping tom.  This storyline does get resolved by the end.  Problem is it has no bearing on the films advertised main plot. This happens quite a bit with subplots that get introduced that in the end never relate to the main plot of the film and are just time filler making almost the whole film filler.  That results is basically you being told in scenes about the vampire story while the less interesting stuff plays out on screen. It also doesn't help that none of the characters in the film are likable at all.  Basically 3 out of the four main protagonists are in a battle for who can be more obnoxious. 

Female Vampire Factor: So we start with the concept that the vampires are killing guys who just watch their website by appearing behind them and biting them.  That makes this seem like it's going to be a horror in the style of The Ring.  Don't get used to this as it never happens again.

From there the plot completely dumps the "vampires attacking perverts in their home while they're distracted" (much better) plot for the concept that they are only a threat to the people they are molesting and biting on their website. They're only killing men it should be noted.  It's later revealed that men can't be turned so basically men are food and women are recruits.

There's also a sub plot about a female vampire who is standing against the others.

This plot is the only time the female vamps get any real screen time and it only amounts to two scenes so this plot does not get resolved whatsoever in this film and goes against the last two attempted plots of they only attack perves who log onto their site or people on videos through their website.  This is too bad as it had potential.

So in the end we just have an un-finished web series merged into a hard to follow film with no payoff. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  This is one hour of movie in which only 8 minutes actually has vampire or anything related to them in it with the rest being a very poor attempt at raunchy comedy.   This one is a miss.

Vampiress Review: "Bitten: Victoria's Shadow"

The Gist: A couple of gambling addicts take a cane from the corpse of a woman to pawn in order to pay their debts unknowingly resurrecting a centuries old vampire.

Clarification: This is one of those 90's "B" movies (that was re-released on DVD in 2001) where they pad the run time by concentrating on the stuff that most movies would edit out.  It's your basic Mystery Science Theater affair where the actual plot only makes up about 15 minutes of the 1 hour and 18 minute run time with the rest being the main group of characters having discussions, or drinking, or shopping, or DJ'ing, or listening to a band.  You know, horror movie stuff. We even get to see some great scenes like "EMT struggling to put body on stretcher" and "Guy has conversation with Librarian about books".

Biggest Complaint: The night scenes in the film are either barely visible while accented with neon lighting or not visible at all with the camera iris being adjusted to the point of a grainy picture.  What you can see is zoomed in so much most of the time that it looks like you're watching through a telescope.

Female Vampire Factor:  The title character Victoria is played by legendary scream queen Brinke Stevens.

Victoria was turned into a vampire by her doctor who wanted her for himself.  She didn't fully turn as a cane was placed in her which prevented her from waking up.  Once it is removed by grave robbers a century later she wakes up that night and feeds on the cemetery caretaker.

From there she seeks out and finds the doctor that turns her who explains how he wanted her so he turned her.  She explains how she is somewhat struggling with what she's become (A side story that is never addressed after this scene) and wants the man she loved who obviously is dead.  The next time you see her she feeds on a little girl who wanders off during a picnic with her family so I guess she got over her struggles pretty quickly.

While all this is happening one of the grave robbers is having visions of all of her murders.  You see he is in her blood line and has an exact resemblance to her long dead lover (his great great grandfather) so she has a thing for him and wants him to herself.  This part of the plot is only played out in the last 10 minutes and doesn't end well for her. 

I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.   If you've ever seen the movie Prom Night III that's pretty much where this movie should have gone with Victoria spending the bulk of the film stalking the doppelganger of her long lost lover and killing anyone that she sees as a threat to their relationship.  Instead you get random vampire scenes that break up a movie about the daily life of two couples with any connection being vague at best.

Vampiress Review: "Blood in the Night"

The Gist:  A peaceful vampire who moved to America was followed by her evil cousin who is attacking people all over town. Meanwhile she seems to be falling for the investigator on the case of various vampire victims while trying to keep her own secret.

Clarification: Good story followed by ridiculously cheesy acting.  It's pretty much an early 90's B-movie without the nudity

Selling Point: Enough fan service to make it interesting, not great but slightly more watchable. 

Female Vampire Factor: The main vampire in the film Veronique is played by Reggie Athnos.

(SPOILER ALERT)
In a twist ending of sorts she does end up thanking her savior cop boyfriend by biting him. I guess blood lust wins out in the end.  Though she did pretty much warn of her lack of control during the cops previous attempt by pushing him away.  I guess he should have listened

This is a short film from the early 90's which in my opinion always did the vampire genre well by not forgetting that they were horror monsters.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  Can't get past the terrible acting which makes it a rough one but if you're the type that can look past that for a pair of sexy fangs you are rewarded here.

Blood in the Night from Lincoln Kupchak on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "VampireLand: The 6th Extinction"

The Gist: Following a woman who is living through the extinction of the human race as vampires take over.

Clarification:  Basically just take the movie "Dark Town" and make it really, really bad.  It's a low budget film that tries to look like a high budget film in the early going then brings itself back to the level it should of been.  The first parts of the movie are filled with really cheesy looking (video game looking) CGI as the world starts to be blown up by meteors and vampires are throwing tanks and cars.  Then the rest of the movie takes place in a house (as the  movie is based around one random woman trying to survive) where you find out the Vampires follow all the old European folklore customs so in reality shouldn't be that hard to kill (doesn't like crosses, can't cross running water, no garlic or sunlight, Has to count multiple things in front of them, has to be invited in to come into a house etc).  This makes the premise of the entire film make no sense since in European folklore because of those things vampires fed by infiltrating humans and louring them into a false sense of security, not an all out war that could be won by spreading garlic like napalm and then building a moat.  This is especially bad since (unlike Dark Town) the vampires can't pass as human.  They're all sheet white with skeleton socket black makeup around their eyes with fangs.  They do have human cultists that help them but not enough that "taking over the world" would be believable.

Basically for this film to work (especially for the lack of budget and cast) it should of been a film about the cult that wanted the vampires to take over with them succeeding being the finale. 

Selling Point: None

Female Vampire Factor: There's two main character vamps in the mistress of the home owner the main character hides out at who shows up in the house as a vampire to kill his family and she ends up turning his wife.  None of this is worth writing home about.

Then there's one who turns the main characters blind date which tuns him into the main vampire of the film but she disappears after this scene.

Outside of that this is an easy Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  Avoid this one and if you haven't seen Dark Town watch that instead. 

Vampiress Review: "New Blood Rising"

The Gist: A group of vampires target a young girl and it's up to a group of vampire hunters to stop them.

Clarification: This film was shot on a camcorder and was probably someones project (Seemingly everyone in the state of Ohio where this was filmed is a film maker apparently since there seems to be a lot of films like this from there).  The cast consists of mostly what seems to be high school aged teens so don't go into this one expecting "Fright Night".

Selling Point: As home made films go it's not awful.  You do have to deal with your stereotypical home made film issues like crappy sound, horribly choreographed fight scenes and a script that is mostly just people cussing at each other with no real substance but it is watchable.

Female Vampire Factor: Every female but one in the film is or becomes a vampire.  The main two are Jade (the leader Kayla Elizabeth ) and her goth looking sister with fake tattoos Ophelia (Vanessa Leonard).

The fangs as expected are very fake and plastic looking and in a few scenes almost fall out of their mouths.  These two are the only female vamps who have them.

 If you're open to this level of low budget (cheesy) film and have the spare time go for it because as I said it's watchable despite it being a home made film (and a sequel will be released called New Blood Awakening sometime in 2016).  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5. 

Vampiress Review: "Epitaph: Bread and Salt"

The Gist: A religious man joins with a group of demon hunters to destroy evil.

Clarification:  Blade if he was played by a bulked up Dr. Ben Carson does lots of randomness is the long story short of it.   The movie does threaten to actually have things happen during it but in all reality the dull talking parts are way better than the fighting parts anyway so be grateful it really doesn't.

In fact, the acting is so terrible and the dialogue is so awkward that the film is actually quite enjoyable.  Normally I can't stand amateur film maker plot A.D.D. but with the above description I couldn't wait to see what goofy randomness would come with the next scene (and if you expect any explanation or closure to any of the storylines I'm warning you now there isn't).

Why is she green?, Why did she become a zombie when no one else in the film did and what will become of her now that she is one?  These and other questions will be completely ignored by this film.

So the bulk of the movie is different groups representing different sides of the religious "good guys" and devil worshiping "bad guys" trying to recruit this fighter as if they're basically Jehovah Witnesses.  To be honest that would probably be the better way to go in real life if you were a group of vampires and witches, just having attractive women in tight short dresses go door to door and ask "have you heard about the devil...let me tell you about it and here's some literature".  So if you can't tell by all of that the film has some very strong conservative religious undertones and does get preachy at times but the sketch comedy film parody cheesinesss (especially the one liners) carry the film more than the religious stuff.

Selling Point: 80% of the cast is attractive women.  Mostly asian and latina basically telling us this was filmed in the "urban" parts of Chicago.

Female Vampire Factor:  Pretty much non existent after the films beginning.   You have them as random henchman attempting to attack the main character Victor when he's first learning of their existence but none of the main characters seem to represent them so they disappear as the plot development goes on.

 It gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It's not really a vampire movie and it's only redeeming quality (the hilarity of the dialogue) I'm not sure is even on purpose.  In fact, the film doesn't even have an ending.  Like many films in the urban action or horror markets it's one of those where the story is actually very good to the point that you wish all the big name urban film production companies would start going into this kind of thing instead of the same "home in the kitchen having grandma solve you problems" plots they've been putting out for years.  Too many good film plots in this genre are being put out by companies that don't have the skill or funding to give it justice.  This is just another one.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Assassin"

The Gist:  A cop with a fear of blood must face his fear as what starts as a sting operation against a counterfeiter ends up being a war with vampires. 

Clarification:  Basically this is just an exhibition for star Ron Halls martial arts skills.  If you've ever seen a Jackie Chan movie that's about the level of plot development you're going to get here.  Hall as cop Derek Washington gets attacked by 700 people (one at a time obviously) and is then taunted by the movies vampire antagonist Gustoff Slovak (Mel Novak) in long drawn out speeches in which he really doesn't say anything of value ever but makes him seem more "villainy".  In other words it's like watching Blade but without that high budget getting in the way. 

Selling Point:  The cheese factor on this one makes it mildly entertaining. For example Slovak unlike other vampires I assume can be hurt by bullets so in order to keep from getting injured by them he flaps his Dracula like cloak around like he's punching them out of the air.

Female Vampire Factor:  As I mentioned in the clarification this is basically just a martial arts exhibition so anyone who isn't the character Slovak is just a moving punching bag.  That means there are no female vamp main characters or quite frankly any that get quality screen time other than to establish who is about to get killed next.

With that I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  After all they are pretty hot for the 3 to 5 seconds they're on camera before a stick gets put in their chest.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Dentist"

The Gist:  When a struggling startup private dental practice needs money they subcontract to a night shift dentist who's a vampire with vampire clientel.

Clarification:  The idea of a vampire dentist in a horror movie would make sense and be pretty decent if done right.  I mean the guy could theoretically work nights and suck peoples blood without them knowing after he puts them to sleep, possible cause an outbreak of vampirism before moving to a different town and starting over.  Do not look for that here as this is an absurdly cheep B-grade dark comedy that takes place in what seems to be an empty warehouse.

It's about as well written as your average elementary school writing assignment complete with bad fart and anatomy jokes (The two lead dentists names are "Moe Lars and Pierce Able").  The two struggling day shift dentists pretty much sexually harass every woman that comes to their office (in a G rated way) yet they still somehow have business.  We won't even mention the running gag of the fact that delivery drivers always start off by saying that they couldn't find the place due to there being no sign yet the clients find it no problem.   

Eventually the film then remembers that they think they need a storyline so after well over an hour of just people with different "comical" personality quirks coming into the dentist office and getting seen by dentists they decide to throw in a sort of love triangle between the vampire dentist, one of the daytime dentists (who switches to nights halfway through to help with the vampire clientele for some reason) and a blind woman.  Again, elementary school writing assignment level so don't expect it to make sense or mean anything. In fact, since the movie HAS NO ENDING don't really take anything that happens in it seriously.  This is literally an hour and a half of filler with no real purpose that just stops. 

Female Vampire Factor:  All the night clients are vampires but basically cartoony versions.  Goth makeup, cheep fangs, black clothing and Dracula capes.  All the female vamps (and pretty much everyone else in the film) are clients in the "waiting room" of the makeshift dentists office the film is located in.

 In between the dentist scenes are various outdoor scenes of the vampires attacking the day clients which would then turn them creating more clients for the night dentist (Dr Vam Dent)

There is even kind of an awkward scene toward the end of the movie where they recycle one of the films actresses that played a vampire in an earlier scene.

Which wouldn't even be noticeable if they didn't go out of their way to tell you that's exactly what's happening.

So obviously this was a film that was made as campy as possible for the film makers amusement.  Normally this type of film only works if it's more sarcastic humor.  The type of comedy you see here is better used if It would have been  a 10 minute comedy skit instead of an hour and a half movie that threatens its viewing audience with a sequel when nothing happened in the one they just watched.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.