Vampiress Review: "Call Me Crazy"

The Gist: A girl trapped in an asylum because she thinks she's a vampire falls for a guy who says he's a cannibal.

Female Vampire Factor:  Unfortunately the main character isn't actually a vampire.

The twist is she doesn't even think she's a vampire as she eventually confesses she just murdered her boyfriend for not wanting to marry her. She is obsessed with vampires and the blood drinking is just kind of a thing she does.  Both when she is angry at and happy with the cannibal her response is to bite him on the neck.

Final Opinion:  In the end this ends up being a weird love story between a woman with relationship issues and an undercover reporter that's just super desperate to get laid.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Daytime"

The Gist: A musician falls in love with a nightclub singer who ends up being a vampire and their relationship struggles dealing with her lack of control of her blood lust.

Female Vampire Factor: We start with a guy named Andre watching a woman named Rose singing at a club.  He confronts her saying he's tired of waiting in order to see her then they kiss.

8 months later they're together in a van.  We see that they're out of vials of something.  She asks Andre who is now her boyfriend if he loves her unconditionally.  He says yes and they begin to make out in the back of the van.  She then sprouts fangs and bites him as we find out she's a vampire. 

She panics and takes off.  We then see that she has thoughts of feeding on him that she struggles with whenever they're close.

She eventually comes back to the van where Andre tries to convince her that it's time to move on to the next city.  She instead convinces him to go to a bar for a night out. Again they begin to kiss resulting in her thinking about biting him. She gives the excuse that she has to go to the bathroom but ends up instead finding a random guy to feed on but gets caught before she can do it.

The guy ends up hitting Rose with a bottle and Andre attacks him in order to defend her.  When Andre goes to see if Rose is ok her blood lust leads her to attack him.

She comes to her senses just in time and they argue with Rose trying to convince Andre that he is better off without her before she eventually starts getting very ill.

We then find out that this was really a story Andre wrote for his girlfriend Rose who in actuality is in drug rehab showing that the blood lust in the story was just an analogy for her heroin addiction.

Final Opinion: I've always preferred vampire films where vampirism isn't just a personality trait or an alternative lifestyle but instead something that can't be controlled so the drug addiction analogy is perfect as it's never made sense to me in media where vampires never deal with uncontrollable blood lust and live perfectly normal lives.  Vampires should be monsters and Rose definitely falls into that category even if a sympathetic one.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5. 

Vampiress Review: Lilith (2013)

The Gist: A Vampire meets a call girl and they develop a fast relationship where they help each other out with their problems.

Female Vampire Factor: The film immediately introduces us to our vampire protagonist where we're shown that she struggles with what she is.  Not wanting to kill she attempts to feed from blood bags but her body immediately rejects it.

When she goes out she sees a prostitute being manhandled by one of her clients and she steps in to save her.

The prostitute then takes the vampire back to her brothel where she introduces her to the owner and she is given a job.  On her first night one of the brothels regulars gets a bit too handsy with the vampire girl who then uses her strength against him to the delight of her prostitute friend. We then find that the relationship between the two is more than just platonic as the two kiss.

The prostitute caring too much about the vampire tells her to leave as she doesn't want her to be in that lifestyle.  The next day we see the vampire going through a truck full of medical supplies looking for more blood bags.  When the driver of the truck comes back he informs her if she has cash he has no problem getting her the blood she needs.

She does not which brings her back to the brothel to make money.  The handsy client from before returns and picks her for sex.  When he gets too physical with her she decapitates him with our last view being her covered in his blood holding his head.

Final Opinion: Not much to go on as a vampire movie as the vampire in this story goes out of her way to not do anything vampiric.  I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  Outside of the establishing that she lives on blood bags this can pretty much pass as any movie about girls who do sex work out of necessity as even the lesbian relationship never really gets any screen time once established.

Vampiress Review: "Midnight Death"

The Gist:  A girl who thought she was just babysitting ends up being kidnapped by a mother for her vampire daughter to feed on. 

Clarification:  This is a short film.  Most of it revolves around a young girl named Teagan who is trying to escape a house while an attractive blonde looks for her.

Female Vampire Factor:  First you have the daughter Racheal.

Once Teagan kills her mother Racheal goes crazy and feeds on her.  From there you see another female vampire who calls someone and exclaims that they have a problem.

 It's a great short, but gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  The mom in the main antagonist so not much of a vampire film. 

Vampiress Review: "Turned"

The Gist: A vampire hunter is caught and turned by a group of vampires and he now has less than 24 hours to finish his mission of destroying them before he turns to one himself.

Clarification: Basically they took the last 15 minutes of John Carpenters Vampires and turned it into it's own short.  I do like what they did with it though.  You've got Jack the vampire hunter who is your Bruce Willis type action hero and his priest sidekick (not very good priest considering how often he cusses) and his goal is to track down and kill Monty a very cocky "big man on campus" acting vampire.

Selling Point: The story telling is done pretty well.  The viewer starts with learning Jack's situation and as the film goes on you learned the events that lead up to it through conversations.

Female Vampire Factor: There is a bunch of female vampires in the film but none of them really do anything vampiric. First you have Heather, Jack's ex girlfriend who set him up to be turned in the first place played by Athena Brensberger.

She is tracked down for info and doesn't make it past this scene.  
Then you have Jewel.  A vampire who isn't a fan of Monty who helps Jack escape played by Seregon O'Dassey

Side Note: O'Dassey is in fact a real life vampire IE she has done several interviews admitting that she drinks blood in real life. In the above scene she is talking to another vampire who questions her.  That vampire does have fangs but she never opens her mouth wide enough to see them.

In fact the only vampires who do fang out in the film are background stake fodder ones in the final fight scene.

While it's a pretty enjoyable film they do miss out on giving the other vampire characters more substance so I'll give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Couch Trip"

The Gist: A group of vampires take turns telling a therapist about their day (or something).

Clarification: So basically we see a therapist individually talking to a group of four vampires about an incident they had with a cop and a group of school kids.  Simple as that.  Don't expect too much with this one.

Female Vampire Factor:  There are two.  An attractive latina (Maral Milani)

and a slutty blonde whose screen time is spent groping her boyfriend (Kelsy Redmond).

The blonde also happens to be the only one in the film to be seen biting anyone.

Biggest Complaint: No fangs would be a problem but the above scene is the only time anything vampiric really happens anyway.  Well with the exception of the end where they all seem to attack the therapist which doesn't make any sense considering the film clearly has these vampires talking to the therapist in 3 separate sessions so it wouldn't be possible for all four to attack him individually.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5. This one is skippable.

Vampiress Review: "The Day After Dark"

The Gist: A guy is turned into a vampire after being set up with a vampire call girl

Clarification: So a guy named Christian talks to apparently his boss on the phone, boss gives him the day off and leaves him a card which we find out is to a call girl which he calls.  She comes over, it looks like they're going to have sex but instead she sprouts fangs and bites him. He wakes up the next day tripping out as he slowly turns to a vampire eventually losing control and biting a women.  That's when it's revealed his boss was a vampire all along and set him up because the vampires are recruiting and Christian was chosen.  Unfortunately he's not too happy about it.

Selling Point: A lot of fang play here.

Female Vampire Factor: The vampire prostitute in the film is played by (Sarah Cragg)

As mentioned we later find out that this was really a big conspiracy to turn Christian and not just a chance meeting that the prostitute suggested to him happened to be a vampire.

She isn't the only female vampire in the short film as once Christian starts to turn he starts to hallucinate that everyone around him is a vampire while in a crowded restaurant with a couple of women in the mix.

I give this a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  It's a well done short even if the story is cliche.

Vampiress Review: "Blood in the Night"

The Gist:  A peaceful vampire who moved to America was followed by her evil cousin who is attacking people all over town. Meanwhile she seems to be falling for the investigator on the case of various vampire victims while trying to keep her own secret.

Clarification: Good story followed by ridiculously cheesy acting.  It's pretty much an early 90's B-movie without the nudity

Selling Point: Enough fan service to make it interesting, not great but slightly more watchable. 

Female Vampire Factor: The main vampire in the film Veronique is played by Reggie Athnos.

(SPOILER ALERT)
In a twist ending of sorts she does end up thanking her savior cop boyfriend by biting him. I guess blood lust wins out in the end.  Though she did pretty much warn of her lack of control during the cops previous attempt by pushing him away.  I guess he should have listened

This is a short film from the early 90's which in my opinion always did the vampire genre well by not forgetting that they were horror monsters.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  Can't get past the terrible acting which makes it a rough one but if you're the type that can look past that for a pair of sexy fangs you are rewarded here.

Blood in the Night from Lincoln Kupchak on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "Midnight Workout"

The Gist: A guy having a late night workout is being stalked by a vampire.

Clarification: Nope, that's all it is.  Literally this is about 6 minutes of a guy working out before the vampiress is even shown and the entire run time of the film is about 9 minutes. 

Biggest Complaint: The payoff is non existent. 

Female Vampire Factor: Eventually you're shown the vampire to be an an attractive blonde (Kelley Anne)

She confronts the guy working out asking him if he needs a spot, fangs exposed (but barely visible).

That's the entire movie.  You see blood and then learn he was a vampire slayer who kills her, taking her fangs as a trophy, the end.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  Definitely skippable but if you have to check it out you can view it HERE.

Vampiress Review: "You Only Die Once"

The Gist: A woman and her friends are out to kill her ex who happens to be a vampire.

Clarification: This is a very entertaining short horror/comedy.   It's very cheesy with the general idea being to make fun of older millennials as everyone in the film spouts out pop culture and social media references non stop even though they are supposed to be either very angry or in danger. 

Selling Point:  It's genuinely funny. 

Female Vampire Factor:  In spite of the fact that the main vampire pretty much wants to make everyone his vampire bride he fails miserably at it and falls for some very lame tricks.  Fortunately he does already have two very catty vampire brides.

The one on the right comes off as very ditsy and gets picked on by the one on the left who also is the only one in the film who feeds.

I absolutely enjoyed this and give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  Very enjoyable.

You Only Die Once - Vampire Horror Comedy Short (2016) from Amanda B. Goodman on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "Blood Taste"

Blood taste is a short film about a woman who stalks a man at a park who has a nose bleed.  Next thing we see is he is tied up at her home and it is revealed that the woman is a vampire.

Even though she has a glass of blood right in front of him she obviously prefers it right out of the vain because she gets up and goes right for his neck.

BLOOD TASTE | Short Film from Jad Roux on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "The Vampire Awakens"

The Gist: Hunters travel in search of half naked female vampires.

Clarification: From the makers of "Killer Bikini Vampire Girls" this is a crowdfunded indy film funded through indiegogo.  It's quite impressive especially since it was apparently filmed using an IPhone 6S plus.  The inspiration for the film is supposedly Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens but I honestly don't see it other than maybe some slight character similarities along with the obvious Star Wars inspired beginning scroll and end credit sequences.

Selling Point: The movie is mostly really attractive half naked vampire women.  Can't beat that.

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned above it's basically just a T&A film. There's a storyline but it's just filler in between women in next to nothing with fangs just randomly showing up and attacking people.  None have names but honestly it doesn't really matter.

 I mean every episode just throws in fangs and women.

This definitely makes me want to go ahead and check out those bikini vampires films.  I give the films a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  I mean why not?