Vampiress Review: "Bikini Vampire Babes"

 

The Gist: A vampiress creates a fledgling for herself and sets their sites on a bikini contest in Las Vegas all while trying to avoid the fledglings ex and a vampire hunter.

Female Vampire Factor: The film revolves around a main vampire Lizette

After a fight with a guy over treatment she ends up biting his girlfriend Bree, turning her into a vampire which she doesn't necessarily get right away as Bree isn't that smart. 

Lizette ends up going to Bree's day job at a fast food restaurant and convincing her to go to Vegas with her to take part in a bikini contest (and yes, her work uniform is a black bikini and a hat). 

The only real vampiric stuff to happen after that is when the girls car breaks down and they're taken in by a couple.  Bree's ex tracks her down to their house where she ends up biting him as well as the guy of the house.

She doesn't last long after that as Bree does end up dying out of nowhere by stepping into the sun without sunblock (the vampire hunter replaced her sunblock).

Lizette recovers from Brees death very quickly as she ends up taking the vampire hunter and biting her turning her.

The film ends with the couple getting memory wiped by Lizette. Her and the vampire hunter now a bikini vampire herself then drive off to Vegas all the while the boyfriend of Bree is then shown flashing his fangs showing that he too had been turned when Bree bit him.

 

Final Opinion:  Not much of a vampire film so I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It is very much a throwback to the old USA up all night "girls in bikini's do regular stuff" genre that used to dominate the 1990's late night basic cable scene.  Those types of films don't translate too well in modern times since a bikini is nowhere near as provocative as it once was prior to the mass availability of internet adult media.  If you're looking for some cheap T&A the girls are in bikini's the whole film but otherwise the vampire stuff is more of a "matter of fact" thing than the main premise.

Vampiress Review: "Van Dexter, Vampire Slayer Begins"

The Gist: The story of how an 8 year old became a vampire slayer.

Clarification: Have you ever watched "Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job" on Adult Swim?  Well this film is that kind of weird.   A Vampire Slayer who is also an inventer has a kid with his wife.  When vampires come to attack the slayer they end up tricking him into thinking they want his kid but end up taking and murdering his wife instead.

8 Years later the kid grows up to become a vampire slayer himself and his first case is helping a woman whose teenage daughter is a vampire.

Female Vampire Factor: The crew who attack the inventer and his wife has one female vampire who seems to be the leader.

Then 8 year old Van Dexter fought a teenage vampire girl

There are no fangs in the film other than the end "twist" where you see some cheap novelty ones.  The film starts like a legit attempt at someone trying to make a film for the first time and then ended like a kids youtube film that they made after borrowing their parents camcorder.  It's very clear this is a guy and his family doing something for fun so I won't be too harsh on it though it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5 either way. 

I wouldn't even consider reviewing this on this site if it weren't for the fact that their is a legit scene where it's hinted that a grown woman was going to show an 8 year old her underwear and try to exchange sex for his services (but she ends up giving him spaghetti O's instead).

That scene was Dateline NBC cringe worthy to be honest.

Vampiress Review: "The Vampire Awakens"

The Gist: Hunters travel in search of half naked female vampires.

Clarification: From the makers of "Killer Bikini Vampire Girls" this is a crowdfunded indy film funded through indiegogo.  It's quite impressive especially since it was apparently filmed using an IPhone 6S plus.  The inspiration for the film is supposedly Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens but I honestly don't see it other than maybe some slight character similarities along with the obvious Star Wars inspired beginning scroll and end credit sequences.

Selling Point: The movie is mostly really attractive half naked vampire women.  Can't beat that.

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned above it's basically just a T&A film. There's a storyline but it's just filler in between women in next to nothing with fangs just randomly showing up and attacking people.  None have names but honestly it doesn't really matter.

 I mean every episode just throws in fangs and women.

This definitely makes me want to go ahead and check out those bikini vampires films.  I give the films a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  I mean why not?

Vampiress Review: "The Malibu Beach Vampires"

The Gist: A group of female vampires set their sites on three men famous for taking advantage of people.

Clarification: This is a spoof parody comedy from the early 90's.  Basically the type of film that would appear on late night television back when late night television was just bikini movies and bad horror films for sex hot line numbers to advertise during.

So the premise stars people representing a crooked politician, a parody of Colonel Oliver North and a parody of Reverend Jim Bakker who are all in the public eye for some type of controversy.   The vampires of this film come around every few years to find and bite these type of people not to drink their blood but their fangs have some sort of truth serum which will force them to confess their devious ways.  That's right, this terrible movie could have been the inspiration for the Jim Carey film Liar Liar.

Selling Point: If you like dancing and singing this film is for you.

Female Vampire Factor: Most of the women in the film have fangs in some point of the film.  They're just very cheap looking rubber fangs.

The film itself is pretty hard to follow as the editing is pretty bad and there is little to no transitions between the multiple story lines that it tries to do.  In fact the film repeats itself several times I assume in an effort to pad the run time (it even starts with a preview of the film as the films beginning).

I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Terrible movie with a decent story and attractive women.  A similar better done version of the "mega hot supernatural female creature who seeks revenge on immoral people" story line is the film Succubus: Hell Bent.