Vampiress Review: "Unbitten"

The Gist: A group of vampiresses seek the help of a water nymph lawyer and a failed writer to prevent from being evicted from their home.

Female Vampire Factor: So basically an evil vampire couple who are dressed like Dracula

Are trying to take a house away from a group of squatters who pretty much come off as a vampire version of the witches from the classic Halloween film Hocus Pocus.

In an actually pretty funny scene the blonde puts on lingerie and attempts to seduce the actual owner of the house.

This doesn't work whatsoever as she soon finds out he's gay.  That doesn't stop her from continually trying through different poses as if the right one would turn him straight.

Final Opinion:  Definitely not a fan of the heavy makeup and the lack of any actual vampirism but the story isn't all that horrible even if a little cheesy and at least there is a slight attempt at some sex appeal.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Dracula: the Legend Lives"

The Gist: As part of a game of Truth or Dare a young girl is dared to confront a real vampire in his lair.

Female Vampire Factor: There's not much too this as this is a short film.  The twist ending is that the girl is bitten by the vampire and when she returns to her friends she's been turned and bites one of her friends.

Final Opinion: Nothing to go on here being that it's about school kids.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Van Dexter, Vampire Slayer Begins"

The Gist: The story of how an 8 year old became a vampire slayer.

Clarification: Have you ever watched "Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job" on Adult Swim?  Well this film is that kind of weird.   A Vampire Slayer who is also an inventer has a kid with his wife.  When vampires come to attack the slayer they end up tricking him into thinking they want his kid but end up taking and murdering his wife instead.

8 Years later the kid grows up to become a vampire slayer himself and his first case is helping a woman whose teenage daughter is a vampire.

Female Vampire Factor: The crew who attack the inventer and his wife has one female vampire who seems to be the leader.

Then 8 year old Van Dexter fought a teenage vampire girl

There are no fangs in the film other than the end "twist" where you see some cheap novelty ones.  The film starts like a legit attempt at someone trying to make a film for the first time and then ended like a kids youtube film that they made after borrowing their parents camcorder.  It's very clear this is a guy and his family doing something for fun so I won't be too harsh on it though it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5 either way. 

I wouldn't even consider reviewing this on this site if it weren't for the fact that their is a legit scene where it's hinted that a grown woman was going to show an 8 year old her underwear and try to exchange sex for his services (but she ends up giving him spaghetti O's instead).

That scene was Dateline NBC cringe worthy to be honest.

Vampiress Review: "How to Survive as a Vampire"

This is a short "how to" video showing the rules of how not to die if you're turned into a vampire. The film stars Jazi Jey as the example vampire.

In it she shows all the different do's and don't scenario's through acting them out. This film is in the format of a silent black & white film from the days before "talkies".

How to Survive as a Vampire from Derian Wall on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "Meet Market"

In this short film a man is out on a date with a woman he met off the internet. 

During the date his wife calls and asks him to come home so he cuts the date short using the excuse that his mother was ill.

The young lady follows him home just to see him lovingly interact with his wife which doesn't sit well with her resulting in us finding out she's a vampire.

So she goes and knocks on the door just to be happily greeted by her dates wife who assumes her to be one of his friends.  When the wife leaves the room he confronts the girl just to be presented with fangs and she attacks, killing both he and his wife.

The story ends with her updating her online dating profile.

Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.

Meet Market from Amanda Jane Smith on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "Pillow Biters"

In this short a group of girls are having a slumber parter.  First they try to watch Nasforatu but end up turning it off because it's too fake.

After that they decide they need to kill time because they're waiting for a pizza to arrive.  During this time they do lot's of stereotypical hot girl at a slumber party stuff. 

Eventually the Pizza guy arrives and that's when we learn that this was a group of vampires and the meal they were looking for was the pizza guy.

The short ends with the actions just being a TV show being watched by monsters who announce "Girls hot, movie bad"

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  Reminds me of my favorite episode of Smallville.

Pillow Biters from John Morgan Curtis on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "Pretty Little Victim"

The Gist: A man who stops by a diner for some pie falls in love with a woman who randomly walks in just to find out she's a vampire.

Clarification:  So guy gets some pie, makes eye contact with a girl who looks like she's on some heavy drugs who starts heaving in pain and runs to the bathroom.  He follows her to the bathroom just to see her writhing in pain and that she has fangs.  Screw that though because he wants to get laid. Thus starts a great relationship between a man and a woman who is bleeding him dry.

Female Vampire Factor:  The female character of the film April is indeed a vampire

There is no question in the film that she's a vampire because her fangs do not retract.  That means they are out the entire film.  While no it is not a realistic scenario in a film (as most men would see a women who looks like this, think she's on some type of drug and run the opposite direction) it does make for a very interesting vampire film

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  April the vampire is a lovable character up until you remember that she's a vampire.  A lesson the protagonist learns the hard way.

Pretty Little Victim from Paul Rufus Jones on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "Money Vampires & Weed"

The Gist: Three hot young girls are held hostage by a woman at gun point who demands she hide them at their home to hide from a vampire she stole money from.

Clarification:  With a title like that don't expect much from the film.  One of the girls is both a pot head and dumb blonde at the same time and the majority of her dialogue makes you question if she realized she's actually in the same movie with everyone else.  Once the kidnapper is out of the way and money becomes the driving force in the movie the dynamic between the girls does change building much more tension.

Selling Point:  This film can also be called "Entitled Millennial Girls are Stupid".  It does go into the "It's so bad it's good" category as far as entertainment value. 

Female Vampire Factor:  (SPOILERS BELOW).

Not a lot.  The girl who kidnaps them (Christina Johnson) does briefly turn but she lasts only a couple of seconds and nothing vampiric happens.

Then in the films ending after the girl who spends the entire film trying to get the other two killed in order to keep the money thinks she's won the other two do come back for her.

This reminds me of something that would have aired on Tales from the Crypt or Creepshow.  The girls fanging out is limited to one quick scene that you barely see so I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  The film itself is entertaining though if you don't take it seriously.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Vixens"

The Gist: A girl is living in a halfway house after being linked to violent crimes which she blames on a vampire telling her to commit them. 

Clarification:  This is a short film also known as "The Vampire Within".  It revolves around a lonely young girl named Alice.  Basically she sits around a house and case workers come by to ask how she is and where everyone else is and then to tell her that the vampire she says is telling her to do bad things isn't real.

Whenever Alice is alone in a room the vampire whose name is Sarah then shows up to tell Alice to get rid of them.

Biggest Complaint: The point of the film is for you to question Alice's sanity but the reason you question her sanity is that Sarah has to be the laziest and most useless vampire ever so her being real is illogical. 

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned above Sarah (Christina Johnson) is the most useless vampire probably in film history.

If you took every negative stereotype given to a person on welfare and replaced money with blood that is Sarah.  Basically she lives off of people by nagging to them how hungry she is and that they should go out and kill people for her because she doesn't want to do it herself since that's work and she might get hurt.  She doesn't have fangs (or just doesn't use them) so you question if she exists because how could a vampire live like that?  The one time she has full opportunity to off someone herself in the film without Alice she doesn't.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  SPOILER ALERT there is no cool twist.  Sarah the lazy vampire is real (unless you call that a twist).  If you want to see a version of this subject done much better watch the Nicholas Cage film Vampire's Kiss.

Vampiress Review: "Allure"

The Gist:  A shy guy hits on a woman at a bar who shows interest in him but that interest is for more than his looks.

Clarification:  This is a short vampire film and the gist sums it up pretty well.  The woman has 3 sisters who she claims she takes care of who are very ill but by ill means they're vampires.  She's also a vampire and the whole thing was a trick to get him back to their place so they could turn him.  After he's turned they welcome him into the fold.

Selling Point: lots of lingerie

Female Vampire Factor:  All the Vampires in the film are female.  The main one is a blonde named Cora (Kabrina Carison).

Then you have her three sisters Caroline (Lisa Murray), Megan (Jamie Oberlee) and Martha (Kelly Forman).

The film itself isn't bad though the music is pretty terrible I give it a vampire beauty rating of 4 out of 5.