Vampiress Review: "Super Hot"

 

The Gist: A pizza delivery driver seeks the help of her friends to rescue her childhood best friend/crush when she moves in with a sorority of vampires.  

Female Vampire Factor: As mentioned the sorority in the film is a group of female vampires. 

Thing is only two of them actually fang out in the film and they're in quick flashes in one scene so not much actual vampirism happens.

Final Opinion:  This is one of those films that has so much potential but falls short due to a lot of attempted forced comedy that comes off annoying more than funny. 

A good majority of the movie is really annoying conversations between two people acting neurotic in cars.  Take away all of those scenes and the rest of the movie is actually pretty watchable. 

I mean the concept of a lesbian girl trying to save her high school crush from sorority vampires who she believes is trying to kill her works in every way if they knew how to concentrate on that story and not how socially awkward the protagonists of the film are around each other.

If the bulk of the film concentrated more on Jackie (the lesbian protagonist) and her relationship with Carmen (her crush) and how Carmen's personality was changing thanks to the new group she's hanging out with instead of Jackie driving around picking up people and talking about it, this could be an A+ film.  

As is I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Netflix's "The Babysitter" franchise is what I feel the modern standard is for this type of film (girl protagonist has a crush on ends up being a monster) and this falls short of meeting that standard but it's definitely a respectable try. It does announce a future sequel so we'll see what happens from there. 

Vampiress Review: "Tales of Found Footage"

The Gist: Three horror shorts taken from a first person perspective.

Female Vampire Factor: The story that gets this film on this blog is #2 "Mail Order Bride",  It starts with a guy with his sleezy buddy and a prudish woman at a restaurant celebrating that his mail order bride from Romania is arriving today.  The woman spends the whole time shaming the guy "Hooch" for going through with it warning him that they could be women being exploited or trafficked. 

Skip ahead to a torturous car ride that feels like we're witnessing their entire drive to the airport where they literally BS the whole time in dialogue straight of out of staged reality porn.

 

They finally arrive at the airport and see his bride Nicoletta and find she didn't come alone as she brought her friend Mihaela with her who doesn't speak English. 

 

They head to a bar where we get a montage of Hooch and Nicoletta bonding as well as the camera guy Matt being a horned up creep about the whole thing.

 

Finally they head back to Hooches place where Nicoletta wants to get him alone. She asks to see his bedroom then says she has a surprise for him. She leaves and when she comes back she's in a sexy schoolgirl outfit. 

They get hot and heavy (which you don't see) but you then hear Hooch complain about getting bit and bleeding.  The camera comes back on to reveal Nicoletta has fangs. 

Hooch runs back down the steps to get Matt who was left alone with Mihaela just to find her draining him of blood. 

The scene ends with a fanged Nicoletta and Mihaela (who it's revealed does speak English) taunting Hooch about how easy American men are to seduce before they both pounce on him.

 

Final Opinion:  The two other stories in this film include the first film which is "#TheChallenge" which is about two girls that do a social media challenge to explore an abandoned hotel who end up being possessed by the ghost who haunts it;

and the third story titled "The Coven" which is about two goth girls who are trying to practice witchcraft and get the idea to sacrifice their friend who then comes back from the dead and hunts them down.  

While the premise calls these "found footage" films the reality is that's pretty much just a way of saying "filmed using cell phones and cheap equipment" as there is way too much production going on for this to be found footage (multiple camera shots and edits), not to mention it doesn't make sense for anyone in the third film to actually be filming any of the stuff they're doing. 

From an entertainment standpoint it's very much watchable for the most part with the vampire story probably being the worst of the three seeing as it's 30% nagging, 60% Bang Brothers porn parody without the porn and only the annoying guys talking about getting laid parts and 10% vampire stuff.  Because the 10% of Vampire stuff is fantasy driven I'll give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  Basically skip straight to the part where they go back to Hooches house and ignore literally everything before that and it's a 5.

Vampiress Review: "Morbid Stories"

The Gist: A compilation of supernatural happenings that coincide with a girl evacuating during a vampire/zombie outbreak.

Female Vampire Factor: In the fourth and final story of the film titled "More Than You Can Chew" a vampire (Krystal Pixie Adams) who is suffering from severe hunger pains decides to go out and find a victim before her boyfriend comes over.

When she gets out she finds what she believes to be the perfect victim.

Unfortunately that victim ends up being a zombie who ends up biting her back. 

 Her human boyfriend comes to visit her and when she realizes something is wrong tries to get him to leave. He believes that she might be high on drugs (after seeing a syringe in her bedroom) and refuses to leave. From there she begins to go feral from the zombie bite and feeds on him.

Final Opinion: So a quick rundown of the film.
Story 1 "Invasive Species" is a group of vampires attacking a couple in their home.

Story 2 "3 Months" is a group of the most annoying teenagers in the world summoning a demon who inhabits one of their bodies and eats the rest. The title is in reference to one of the girls being 3 months away from her 18th birthday as her whiny entitled boyfriend begs her to run away with him.

Story 3 "Writers Beware"is an author renting out a house in the middle of nowhere to hide after killing someone in a car accident.  Unknowingly the house is haunted by a demon which he releases.

It's hard to really enjoy this film since it's one of those where every character is ridiculously annoying. One of my major pet peeves with these independent films is when the dialogue is 90% arguing and cussing each other out for "dramatic affect" since in reality it just makes you pretty much hate every character in it thus you really don't care what happens to them other than you hope it happens quickly to get them off the screen and shuts them up. The key to a good horror film is the fear coming from you hoping the victims survive and close calls making you think they won't.  If the people you're watching are established as downright horrible and annoying people you aren't horrified when something happens to them, instead you feel it's karma (and even in those cases it doesn't matter unless you establish a good person to root for who benefits from the karma).

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  You can't really go wrong with feral vampires but even that segment would have benefited from not having the arguing leading up to it.  Not to mention the vampire reveal would have better been used as a surprise as she turned feral (having the bite scene shown as a flashback as she turned). Had it been just a loving couple on a date with the girl starting to act strange leading up to finding out she's a vampire going feral and the boyfriend having to struggle with running away or hoping to get through to her it would have been much better. As it currently is, guy came off as a condescending jerk so again, who really cares if he's killed.

Vampiress Review: "Real Blood: The True Beginning"

The Gist: A doctor after being attacked by angry locals wakes up as a vampire.  After seeking revenge on those who attacked him he unknowingly turns them into vampires and must once again stop them now that they have supernatural powers.

Female Vampire Factor:  The main character Dr Oliver Roberts has an assistant (I guess, it's not really clear as she might just be a lady who works there) who regularly comes to him and hits on him while he's at his office named Nurse Julie Perkins (Lisa E Phillips)

She becomes a vampire for about 5 seconds towards the end of the movie.

She attacks one of the main characters Reggie (aka the films director Phillip Penza) which doesn't turn him as he finds out he's immune and his blood apparently cures her of her vampirism.  We know this because they basically say that's what happens. This film does a lot of the whole "you don't need to see it played out, we'll just have someone tell you what's happening" way of visual storytelling.

Final Opinion:  This movie is so messed up.  So it's attempting to be a superhero origin story with the character of Dr Roberts being a character similar to Ghost Rider in a way (killed, then some demon person gives him powers that brings him back to life but to sustain those powers has to do evil things but chooses to go after people who themselves are evil) and his best friend/driver Reggie kind of being like his Alfred if Dr Roberts was Batman.  I say attempt because it misses the mark big time.  Imagine Ghost Rider but if the movie was only about Johnny Blaze when he wasn't Ghost Rider and you only hear about the cool stuff that probably happens when he turns but never actually see it.  Well that's this film.  Then again, Johnny Blaze was a stunt driver as his day job so that would still be exciting.  This guy is a research scientist with a poorly acted love life.  Not so much

To add to the fact that this is the most non actionist vampire action movie imaginable the final act of the film consists of softcore shock porn including a woman making a cross dressing vampire drink her urine before sex in a scene that is not plot related whatsoever.  I mean the film is literally PG up to this point then just out of the blue the last act went off the rails.  It was almost like the film makers watched the first half that they shot up to that point, hated it and then was like let's just fix it by throwing in tits and weird fetish sex.  

Finally this is one of those films that reels you in by throwing out a bunch of D list celebrities in the advertising when in reality those people are barely in the movie and whose actual part in the film can only be considered a cameo appearance at best.  The promotional posters all state the film stars Eric Roberts, Lorenzo Lamas and Big Daddy Kane.  All three have one scene each where they basically say one thing and you never see them again. Big Daddy Kane specifically plays a TV reporter who doesn't even really need to be in it who reports on what happened at the end of the film. At least the other two had somewhat plot related appearances in the actual movie if small ones.

I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  The concept was interesting, the execution (or lack of) is the problem.

Vampiress Review: "Unbitten"

The Gist: A group of vampiresses seek the help of a water nymph lawyer and a failed writer to prevent from being evicted from their home.

Female Vampire Factor: So basically an evil vampire couple who are dressed like Dracula

Are trying to take a house away from a group of squatters who pretty much come off as a vampire version of the witches from the classic Halloween film Hocus Pocus.

In an actually pretty funny scene the blonde puts on lingerie and attempts to seduce the actual owner of the house.

This doesn't work whatsoever as she soon finds out he's gay.  That doesn't stop her from continually trying through different poses as if the right one would turn him straight.

Final Opinion:  Definitely not a fan of the heavy makeup and the lack of any actual vampirism but the story isn't all that horrible even if a little cheesy and at least there is a slight attempt at some sex appeal.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Crimson Winter"

The Gist: A group of researchers on an expedition unknowingly uncover a brood of vampires hiding from society.

Female Vampire Factor: Pretty much all the vampires in this film are men.  You do get a conversation between the vampire prince and a female vampire who is a former lover and seemingly the only female in the group.

Basically the Princes story is that he chose to love a human over loving a woman of his own kind.  This makes him somewhat sympathetic to humans and controls his decisions on hiding and only hunting for food over mindlessly feeding on them.  This leads to a conflict between the prince and other vampires who do not agree with having to hide.

In the matter of "does she or doesn't she" in the question of if any of the attractive female leads get turned, the answer is an unfortunate no.  The vampire princes human lover is killed by the other vampires via a sword to the back tp punish the prince in a flashback.

and the lead female is killed when she is fed on by a vampire and as per this films vampire folklore only the prince can make another vampire.

Final Opinion: To say this film is long and pretty hard to follow is an understatement as it basically attempts to give you enough story to fill two films.  While the film is primarily about a war between a group of vampires that are being hunted in the woods and a group of young researchers being caught in the crossfire of the vampires and hunters the film gets dragged on because the plot is stopped repeatedly to tell the tale of the vampire prince and his past and internal conflict between the vampires.    With only one female vamp that gets next to no screen time this film gets an easy Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Saving You, Saving Me"

The gist: A young girl finds out that she's not only a vampire but she's next in line to lead a group of vampires who recently lost their leader and are being hunted by another group of vampires looking for her.

Female Vampire Factor: In spite of the fact that technically 90% of the people in the movie are supposed to be vampires, none really do anything vampiric so are they really?

In fact the closest thing to it is the lead character Amber (played by the films writer and directer Tina Jetter) who spends a good portion of the film once she comes to terms with watch she is in what looks like a Halloween costume complete with red cape.

 The only thing close to female vampirism in the film is a scene where her and her new vampire boyfriend are attacked by members of the vampire group called "The Scandals".  Amber is briefly shown with fangs while strangling one of the attackers.  Otherwise red eyes is the most you get in the film.

Final Opinion: This gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5 due to the lack of any real vampirism. I'll go somewhat easy on the film since from what I understand it was written by the star when she was 17 and I'm not into burying young people just getting started, especially since this was no small production which in itself is worthy of praise so I'll just go for a little constructive criticism instead.

My biggest issue I'd have to say I have with this film is the continuity problems.  Mainly skipping over major plot details through dialogue even though showing these things would have made a more entertaining movie. Instead the film is full of Twilight-esque drama and romance that seems to be out of place given the circumstances of the plot which comes off as more of a superhero origin story than a coming of age teen drama. This at it's core is a movie about an orphaned girl who finds out that she has magic powers who is caught in a war between two factions of monsters. Despite that the first act of the film barely introduces us to Amber but instead gets wasted on her ex boyfriend and her friends who have absolutely no real bearing on the plot, are super annoying characters anyway and are just written off by mid movie in a manner that doesn't even involve her.  Basically it feels like someone wanted to push a Lifetime Network over dramatic female redemption movie so bad that the much better movie that the plot was hinting at was being held back. Basically if you've seen the movie "Blood Wars" this is that movie just with a female lead, less vampirism and more variety in it's filming location.

Vampiress Review: Blood Ransom

The Gist: A driver for a group of mobsters devises a plan to save a stripper who works for them who he is in love with not realizing that the mobsters are vampires and the woman is in the process of becoming one herself.

Female Vampire Factor: Since it's established very early that Crystal (Anne Curtis) is a vampire it's not about if but when does it happen.

99% of the film is her fighting her urges so don't expect much vampirism.  She does not want to turn and especially does not want to kill the man she loves Jeremiah with a lot of her dialogue being her trying to convince someone to kill her.  That means the closest you get in that portion is her getting veins in her face and red eyes as she fights back her urges while the two escape the vampires chasing them looking for her.

Once she exposes to Jeremiah what she's becoming they head to a pyschic who explains how she can become human again.  Crystal doesn't believe the psychic so she proves to her what she's saying is true by exposing that she is herself a vampire and her little girl is turning like Crystal is (the idea being you have to drink a special potion within a specific time from being turned and you can go back and also to kill a vampire they must have their throat slid with a specific blade)

 (SPOILER ALERT) In the films final act both the vampire and Dan, the cop on the case who happens to be Jeremiah's best friend catch up to them.  Crystal and Jeremiah survive the vampire attack when Crystal forgoes taking the vampire cure in order to rip him to shreds but Dan then confronts them with the intent to kill Crystal.  Jeremiah steps in front of Crystal and pleads for her life and tries to shoot the cop but when that doesn't work because his gun jams gets shot three times in the chest.  This is the one and only time in the film that Crystal actually fangs out as she loses it over Jeremiahs "death" (post credits hints he didn't die and she turned him).

Final Opinion: Best way to describe this film is Innocent Blood meets John Carpenters Vampires. The ending is a bit of a let down especially since the reality was that Crystal was not in any real danger from Dan and could have handled herself (she did after all rip the head vampire to shreds just the scene before and this was just a small town cop) so this kind of falls under the Titanic "Jack didn't have to die because there was plenty of room on the wood" type argument. While it's a good movie I can only give a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5 since it's a film about a hot lady almost being a vampire more than being a vampire film.

Vampiress Review: "All My Friends are Vampires"

The Gist: A short film about a day in the life of a girl who works in a day spa full of vampires.

Female Vampire Factor: The bulk of the film is basically a run of the mill film where very little interesting actually happens.  You go back and forth between an older bitter and angry woman named Valerie who complains about everything and a girl who is complaining to her spa co workers about her love life named Kate.

When Valerie goes to the spa for her massage the power goes out and Kate is sent what feels like to the next county to where the breaker is to get the power back on.  Once she does one of her spa co-workers she doesn't like Mya attacks her and tries to bite her.

Meanwhile back at the spa pretty much everyone else who was in the film up to that point sprouts fangs and feeds on Valerie.

When Kate comes back after stopping her co-worker from killing her she asks for the rest of the day off as if it was a minor inconvenience.  When she gets back to her place the Dr. boyfriend she broke up with confesses his love for her.  They go up to her place and when it looks like they're about to get hot and heavy he sprouts fangs and bites her.

Final Opinion:  I love the premise as the way it's set up if it weren't for the title giving it away you wouldn't know it's a vampire movie until the very end and even then you're confused about the situation since the very mortal female doesn't act like anything is wrong in spite of you eventually realizing she's always in danger.  Her going through the day like everything is normal is literally her ignoring the reality that at any moment she can be attacked.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.