Vampiress Review: The Invitation

The Gist:  An American girl struggling her way though life is found by a distant cousin who asks her to come to a family reunion in England where she finds her family there lives an upscale life but eventually finds out that that life comes at a price. 

Clarification: This film is your stereotypical "rich people are elite because they're actually monsters who kill the poor" storyline.  If you've ever seen the 1979 vampire film "Thirst" then basically this is a modern take on that.  In this case Evie the main character in the film learns that her family in England all work for a young English Lord who she falls for.

Just to then find out that he is a vampire and it is her birthright to be one of his three vampire brides after the previous third bride from her bloodline (Her great grandmother who looked exactly like her) had recently committed suicide and as the Dracula rule states there must always be three. 

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned above the purpose of Evie is to complete a trio of brides which then leaves the other two. 

Lucy (Alana Boden)

Lucy is the younger and nicer of the two who just wants them all to get along.  She tries her best to make Evie comfortable but kind of hard to do when the thing you're talking about in a sweet and loving way is eating people.  

Viktoria (Stephanie Corneliussen)

Victoria is the stereotypical mean girl of the two.  She's also revealed to be the monstery figure that haunts the manor and is offing the help in the shadows in the early parts of the movie.  She's really into being the murdering monster and it comes off as she just deals with the whole "being one of three brides" thing because it's a requirement for the vampire powers but otherwise would rather not deal with her more humane sisters. 

They end up dying after Lucy comes to Evie's aid when Viktoria attempts to kill her.  Lucy gets tired of Viktoria and ends up plunging both her and Viktoria through a sharp object that vampires probalby shouldn't have in their homes if sharp objects through the heart kill them. 

Evie (Nathalie Emmanuelle)

By the films end Evie decides with the help of some knowledge from Lucy that the best way to handle the situation is from the inside.  She agrees to marry the Lord and as soon as she drinks his blood to get the vampire powers she sets fire to the place and uses those powers to fight both Vicktoria (who still ends up proving to be way above her skill level requiring Lucy to save her) but eventually taking out both Renfield the head servant and the Lord himself resulting in her reverting back to human as she never drank from a human preventing her from going full vampire (as in the folklore of this film if the head vampire dies all vampires he turns dies with them).   

I'll give it a solid Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  Nothing vampiric actually happens other than the 4 vampires in the film do have conversations with their fangs out once the big reveal happens an hour or so in but the only attacking and blood drinking done in the film is the murders Viktoria does off camera before you learn of the vampires and a scene of Renfield extracting it by slitting a maids throat.  With the exception of the supernatural fight scenes at the end the whole movie could have been done without the vampire twist and it wouldn't have made much of a difference.  

Vampiress Review: "Bram Stoker's Van Helsing"

The Gist: After the woman he is in love with falls ill a man seeks the help of a doctor who informs him that the illness is due to her being the victim of a vampire. 

Female Vampire Factor:  The female vampire in this film is Lucy (Charlie Bond)

Final Opinion: Long story short this is the Dracula story but only focused on the portion revolving Lucy's illness, death and resurrection as a vampire with the final portion of the film being when Dr. Van Helsing and Aurther finally slay her. 

It's a pretty interesting concept focusing on what is normally a portion of the story that's considered an afterthought, but it does add some things to it with Lucy's turn lasting longer than one night and her even getting Arthur under her spell and using him to find victims for her.   I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5 just based on the concept being completely focused on the female vampire and not Dracula at all.  It's not a very seductive portrayal like many other versions have Lucy but it's very fang friendly. 

Vampiress Review: "Black as Night"

The Gist: A teenage girl in New Orleans finds herself at war with a vampire leader who plans on turning the cities destitute population into a vampire army after they turn her mother. 

Female Vampire Factor:  Not much to speak of.  Only one that gets any screen time is in the scene where the films protagonist Shawna visits her mother after being attacked herself and her mother turns and attacks her. 

Final Opinion:  Obviously with the above statement I can't give it a Vampire Beauty Rating above 1 out of 5.  With that being said for overall enjoyment this is a great film that I can't say enough great things about.  Genuinely decent vampire horror movies where vampires are a thing to be feared and not the stereotypical "people who live normal but just happened to have a taste for blood who are potential love interests" are hard to find.  

While the head vamps do still follow the "vampires are divided into mob like factions" thing films like to do the film is not told from the vampires point of view but from the victims so it doesn't matter. Vamps in this film are a threat to be feared and if they're on screen (with one exception) they're trying to kill someone so if you're looking for a straight forward horror film I can definitely recommend this. 

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Vampiress Review: "Vampie: The Silliest Vampire Movie Ever Made"

 The Gist: A vampiress and a vampire hunting priest must stop an evil vamp from using a magic ambulate to create an army of zombies. 

Female Vampire Factor: The main vampire protagonist of the film is Azure St Claire who is played by the films producer/writer Ming Ballard.

While absolutely beautiful and spends most of the film in what could be described as vampire fetish wear

the problem is she's an anti-vampire so she isn't really very vampiric.  She explains that she's allergic to blood and uses the magic "vampie" to help her feed without directly drinking blood. She does have one scene where she actually does bite someone and the reaction was more disgust so it just seems like it's more of a taste preference than an actual allergy.  

 The second vamp of the film is the henchwoman of the villain vampire Mannon, Ludmilla (Sophie Mazzaro)

 The Maxim cover girl contest winner is super hot.  Unfortunately she gets barely any screen time and is kind of an after thought.

The final vamp of the group is the true reason to watch the film if you're going to watch it which is the character Grace (Maya Merker)
 

Grace starts the film as Azures friend and co-worker at her bakery.  It becomes very clear that she wishes that she could be a vampire as she constantly asks Azure about what it's like.

Eventually it's revealed that she's made a deal with the evil vampire Mannon.  In exchange for helping him steal the Vampie they will turn her into a vampire which they do. 

 

this of course leads to a showdown between her and Azure as the films main payoff. 

 

Final Opinion: False advertising at it's finest, the one bothersome thing about this film is it would be rather good if it completely took itself seriously.  Specifically the films beginning is pretty hard to watch with the awkward soundtrack and just awkward everything else.  Once we get into the actual story it's decent.  Basically the film really gets going once Grace is turned who is the real selling point of the film.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  If the movie itself was better it could get a 5 but just the fact that it's full of attractive vampire women in fetish wear makes it watchable and pretty enjoyable with the fast forward button handy. 

 

Vampiress Review: "The Night Crew"

The Gist: A group of bounty hunters head to Mexico in search of a woman but when they find her they quickly realize they may be in over their heads as she is also wanted by a cartel who will do anything to get her back all the while all hiding a supernatural secret.

Female Vampire Factor: All the trouble the crew is going through is over a stripper named Mae (Chasty Ballesteros)

The entire movie she's pretty dirty and is in pretty bad shape.  It's hinted throughout the film that there's something different about her including the head of the cartel, Aguilar (Danny Trejo) mentioning that she is sick which is why they must get her back.  As the movie goes on she begins to show signs that she's taking a liking to the girl of the bounty hunters Rose (Luciana Faulhaber) who is pretty creeped out by her as she somehow knows all her secrets (she cheated on her boyfriend with the leader of the group and is pregnant with his daughter).

Eventually at the end of the film Rose gets gravely injured and the big reveal happens.  Mae is a vampire.

She bites and turns Rose.  Rose then goes to find the lead bounty hunter and proceeds to bite and turn him.

The film ends with Mae, Rose and Wade confronting Aguilar (but it fades to black before anything happens.

Final Opinion: It's a pretty good survival action film.  I didn't care much for the needless conflict as it seemed really out of place.  Two guys are literally fighting over a girl while a large group of gang members are shooting at them.  Other than that the twist of her being a vampire was a great payoff.  Since the ending is the only vampiric thing about the film though I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Fanged Up"

The Gist: After a run in at the bar he worked at a womanizer is given an overly harsh punishment and sent to a prison where inmates have been disappearing and he must escape to stay alive.

Female Vampire Factor: This is one of those, "There's one super hot female in the film that the main vampire has his eye on and the film holds you in suspense on whether it happens or not even though logically they could have turned her at any point" movies.

But I'll save you some time and tell you she does not turn.  The only female vampires in the film are the lunch lady and the head guard Renfield

Thing is, when they turn it's not a very good look anyway.

Final Opinion: It's an ok horror comedy.  It plays out more like a zombie film than a vampire film.  The comedy isn't forced and stupid so the film is watchable even if it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  The film does star WWE wrestler Stu "Wade Barrett" Sanders as a Russian prisoner and pretty much the main action guy in the film to the main protagonists comic relief.  Obviously I would have preferred if the main damsel in distress of this film Dr. Katie got turned though.

Vampiress Review: "Girls Just Wanna Have Blood"

The Gist: An unpopular girl who lives with her neglectful mother befriends a group of girls who end up being a brood of vampires that want to recruit her.

Female Vampire Factor: Your main vamps are April, Trish and Stacy.

Trish (middle) is the leader of the group with the other two being just followers.  It's never explained how exactly she became a vampire but it is explained that she wanted to become one after her parents died in a car accident destroying her belief in religion.  Their deal is to get men really drunk or high as well as horny before they can feed on them.  This is also not explained but I assume has something to do with wanting to get drunk or high by feeding, though this isn't a must as pretty much any scene in the film where they feed on females its basically just for the sake of killing and not for pleasure.  This only happens twice though.  The first time is when they attack some mean girls from Jessica's school for revenge on how they treated her and the second being when they attack her mother.

 Next we have Jessica

They convince her to turn after the above scene as they prove to be her first real friends.  

After she's turned she bites one of the johns there to visit her mother who attempts to force himself on her and the group joins in

 but after that she immediately regrets it, accuses the group of taking advantage of her while she was drunk and spends the rest of the film not wanting to be a vampire and even attempting to kill herself through exposure to the sun.  Her perverted neighbor saves her from the sun and explains to her if the head vampire is killed (Trish) everyone she turns becomes a human again.  He does this by literally showing her a porn on VHS that explains it (one of the few scenes where I kind of laughed out loud. 

Final Opinion: Also known as "Teenage Bloodsuckin Bimbo's" This film goes into the category of awesome concept but horrid execution.  There's been what feels like a million films with this same exact premise and this one probably had the most potential.  Unfortunately the writing and lack of direction gets in the way.  While I don't have an issue with the fact that it is supposed to be a goofy comedy, the extent of the absurdness of the non vampire parts and then trying to fit the vampires into that hurts the film tremendously.  Instead of showing us some type of connection between Jessica and Trish that would justify Trish wanting to turn her we get way too much of Jessica's mother whoring around and bikers and a lot of random things happening for the sake of happening. The Trish character and for that matter Destyne Marshai's acting skills were pretty much wasted in a movie that used the actual main characters as an afterthought.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5 only because the vampire casting is above average and when they are on screen something decent will happen but otherwise it just feels like a bad parody of a better movie.

Vampiress Review: "Rachel gets Strange"

The Gist: A lonely woman left at the alter decides to sleep with a random person to get over it.  Unfortunately for her the night she decided to do it is interrupted by her ex, her male best friend with a secret crush and a brood of vampires.

Female Vampire Factor: Unfortunately it turns out the vampires in the film are just basically wannabe's or as the movie refers to them "meth head vampires".  One girl in the group does infiltrate the house with the guise of wanting to see the room Rachel was renting.

 Since they aren't actual vampires no fangs.  Outside of the above woman and one guy in all black you can't really see the rest anyway as it's dark when they arrive and the camera is moving very wildly in a very survival horror like manor.

Final Opinion: This film is mostly a really annoying bad romantic comedy that then converts to a pretty good survival horror for the last 20 minutes.  The premise is simply a relatively attractive girl lived as a recluse in her parents vacation home in the desert sulking after being left at the alter.  Her best friend and parents try to convince her that she needs to basically just have sex just to get herself out of the rut. She ends up attempting to lour a really douchey doctor who works at the same hospital as her ex and father over under the guise of wanting to show him the room she has for rent.  This goes south when he arrives super late resulting in a pizza delivery guy almost getting the nod and then her best friend showing up to show his disapprove while admitting his feelings for her and her ex wanting her back.   

In other words the vampires are almost the hero's of the film since they put an end to what was otherwise the worst kind of lifetime film.  Anyway it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out 5 for the bate and switch.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Vlad"

The Gist: A vampire goes through somewhat of a mid-life crisis dealing with relationship problems and wanting kids.

Female Vampire Factor: Technically there are no female vampires in the series but the main character is played by the shows creator Kristen Lucas who obviously isn't male.

Final Opinion: The series starts out ok but then devolves into bad slapstick jokes.  Episode 1 pretty much is the best episode of the series which revolves around Vlad and his girlfriend breaking up.  From there you get awkward experiences like Vlad at yoga, Vlad at Karaoke, Vlad looking for the product of his sperm donation and Vlad trying to fit in at a college party.  Most of the jokes revolve on "him" taking figurative language literal.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.