Vampiress Review: The Invitation

The Gist:  An American girl struggling her way though life is found by a distant cousin who asks her to come to a family reunion in England where she finds her family there lives an upscale life but eventually finds out that that life comes at a price. 

Clarification: This film is your stereotypical "rich people are elite because they're actually monsters who kill the poor" storyline.  If you've ever seen the 1979 vampire film "Thirst" then basically this is a modern take on that.  In this case Evie the main character in the film learns that her family in England all work for a young English Lord who she falls for.

Just to then find out that he is a vampire and it is her birthright to be one of his three vampire brides after the previous third bride from her bloodline (Her great grandmother who looked exactly like her) had recently committed suicide and as the Dracula rule states there must always be three. 

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned above the purpose of Evie is to complete a trio of brides which then leaves the other two. 

Lucy (Alana Boden)

Lucy is the younger and nicer of the two who just wants them all to get along.  She tries her best to make Evie comfortable but kind of hard to do when the thing you're talking about in a sweet and loving way is eating people.  

Viktoria (Stephanie Corneliussen)

Victoria is the stereotypical mean girl of the two.  She's also revealed to be the monstery figure that haunts the manor and is offing the help in the shadows in the early parts of the movie.  She's really into being the murdering monster and it comes off as she just deals with the whole "being one of three brides" thing because it's a requirement for the vampire powers but otherwise would rather not deal with her more humane sisters. 

They end up dying after Lucy comes to Evie's aid when Viktoria attempts to kill her.  Lucy gets tired of Viktoria and ends up plunging both her and Viktoria through a sharp object that vampires probalby shouldn't have in their homes if sharp objects through the heart kill them. 

Evie (Nathalie Emmanuelle)

By the films end Evie decides with the help of some knowledge from Lucy that the best way to handle the situation is from the inside.  She agrees to marry the Lord and as soon as she drinks his blood to get the vampire powers she sets fire to the place and uses those powers to fight both Vicktoria (who still ends up proving to be way above her skill level requiring Lucy to save her) but eventually taking out both Renfield the head servant and the Lord himself resulting in her reverting back to human as she never drank from a human preventing her from going full vampire (as in the folklore of this film if the head vampire dies all vampires he turns dies with them).   

I'll give it a solid Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  Nothing vampiric actually happens other than the 4 vampires in the film do have conversations with their fangs out once the big reveal happens an hour or so in but the only attacking and blood drinking done in the film is the murders Viktoria does off camera before you learn of the vampires and a scene of Renfield extracting it by slitting a maids throat.  With the exception of the supernatural fight scenes at the end the whole movie could have been done without the vampire twist and it wouldn't have made much of a difference.  

Vampiress Review: "Black as Night"

The Gist: A teenage girl in New Orleans finds herself at war with a vampire leader who plans on turning the cities destitute population into a vampire army after they turn her mother. 

Female Vampire Factor:  Not much to speak of.  Only one that gets any screen time is in the scene where the films protagonist Shawna visits her mother after being attacked herself and her mother turns and attacks her. 

Final Opinion:  Obviously with the above statement I can't give it a Vampire Beauty Rating above 1 out of 5.  With that being said for overall enjoyment this is a great film that I can't say enough great things about.  Genuinely decent vampire horror movies where vampires are a thing to be feared and not the stereotypical "people who live normal but just happened to have a taste for blood who are potential love interests" are hard to find.  

While the head vamps do still follow the "vampires are divided into mob like factions" thing films like to do the film is not told from the vampires point of view but from the victims so it doesn't matter. Vamps in this film are a threat to be feared and if they're on screen (with one exception) they're trying to kill someone so if you're looking for a straight forward horror film I can definitely recommend this. 

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Vampiress Review: "Blood Woods"

The Gist: A group of bank robbers end up taking a family hostage after their getaway car breaks down who unknowingly are being protected by a vampire.

Female Vampire Factor: The first member of the bank robber crew to get turned is the only female of the group.  She's attacked by the main vampire while outside and when she returns she's banged up and complaining of extreme thirst.

Her brother who is also part of the robbers tries to get her out.  After he gets her into the car she fangs out and bites him (turning him).

She's not seen again until the scene where she is killed via being shot in the head after she attacks three of the female hostages.

It's also revealed that the old woman of the family is also a vampire but she is immobile, doesn't speak and is fed through blood cookies.

Final Opinion: This is a very low budget production so expect your average low budget movie issues like poor awkward scripting and bad lighting.  The biggest issue I have with this film is just the horridly slow pacing.  The film has a run time of about an hour and half but maybe an hour of it is the actual movie with the rest being a lot of fluff. By fluff I'm talking lots of establishing shots of trees on top of an intro and outro that establishes the film as part of a TV show that some backwoods person is watching on their TV while holding women hostage which promotes the video you're already watching or have watched. (Basically the actual film doesn't start till about 25 minutes in and ends 10 minutes before the ending credits)

The main story once it gets going is decent with the only complaint again being the start and stop pacing.  Basically Imagine From Dusk till Dawn (which, along with John Carpenters Vampires seems to be it's inspiration) but take away the fast paced story that reflects the gecko brothers attempt to escape the authorities and replace it with them sitting in the camper and talking about their day until vampire stuff happens. Basically it's an action horror that was awkwardly produced like it was a drama though no real dramatic stuff happens. 

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Only two vampiress scenes but they along with the backwoods meat shop parody commercial are probably the best thing in the film.  I definitely put this one on the list of "would be more enjoyable if a lot of stuff would have been kept on the cutting room floor or re-edited" category.

Vampiress Review: "Carmilla"

The Gist:  After students on her campus start going missing a journalism major believes her new roommate is not only responsible but that she's a vampire.

Clarification: So if Nickelodeon and Logo ever came together this seems like the type of show that would be on it.  Everyone is young on the show (the lead character "Laura" is supposed to be nineteen) and there is a TON of lesbian undertones but not the "Cinemax after dark" kind but more the "L-Word" kind.  In other words exactly what you would think a tampon company would produce if they were allowed to make a show (U by Kotex is listed as an executive producer).

The series itself is basically a stage play for online viewing.  One set and basically anything action worthy happening off camera. Laura is more or less Carly from ICarly in this series doing an online diary.  It just so happens that everything happens while she's doing the diary.

Selling Point: Tons of lesbian kissing starting with season 2.

This is literally how season 1 ends!

Female Vampire Factor: Carmilla is played by Natasha Negovanlis.

So spoiler alert, she is a vampire but knowledge of the the Carmilla Karnstein story is meant to throw you off.  You're lead to believe that this is just a modern "Vampire Lovers" but it becomes a much deeper story where she's one of the "good guys" and it's her mother (who actually happens to be the dean) who's taking the students and she doesn't agree with it once Laura (her roommate) becomes next on the list as she falls for Laura.  Basically this whole series wreaks of the second season of the manga Rosario + Vampires but with lesbians.

Her character changes quite a bit from the first and second seasons.  In Season one she's a goth who comes off as a loner and her and Laura don't get along.  Once the second season comes along the two are a couple and they're pretty lovie dovie (well at least until the two are on the outs and then they go back to their season 1 ways)

Season two also introduces Carmilla's "sister" Mattie (Sophia Walker) who comes to the University to seek revenge on the ones responsible for the death of her mother (who the group kills at the end of the season 1)

Though it's more "I'm taking over the school and making your life miserable" revenge then anything horror like. 

So if you're looking for vampires, this really isn't the one for you. No fangs and two biting scenes in the entire series.  Unless you really like the not vampiry parts of True Blood, then you'll probably like this.  Actually it's not bad at all and kind of addicting to watch.  Especially if you skip to the later episodes of season 1 when stuff actually starts happening (when I say this series starts slow, I mean SLOW). 

UPDATE: Since this writing the series has been picked up as a full length feature film with an October 2017 release date.  View the first trailer HERE.

Season 1

Season 2

Season 0 (prequal)

The Vampiress Episode: "Family Matters"

"Dark and Stormy Night"

Season 6

Episode 6

Family Matters was a television series which was a staple of the TGIF Friday Night comedy lineup on the ABC network in the United States from 1989 to 1997 before having its final season on CBS in 1998.  Originally a spin off of another TGIF comedy "Perfect Strangers" where it revolved around a side character from that show named Harriet Winslow and her extended family living together in Chicago. Once the show introduced the nerdy neighbor "Steve Urkel" the show switched gears to being about him and his obsession with Winslow daughter Laura. 

In the Halloween episode of the series sixth season young Richie is upset that he can't go trick or treating for Halloween due to a thunder storm so the Winslow's in order to help him feel better tell him a Halloween tale.  In this story the Winslows are a family of vampires called the Von-Winlsows and Steve Urkel is the hero confronting them in order to save the princess (in this case Winslow daughter Laura).

It's a comedy so don't expect much when it comes to horror.  Harriet Winslow (Jo Marie Payton) does briefly fang out in the episode as does her sister Rachel (Telma Hopkins)

 but those are the only Winlsow women with fangs on this one though as a consolation Laura is dressed as Michelle Pfeiffer catwoman in the shows opening so you do have that to fall back on. The Winslows had another daughter named Judy but she went up to her room sometime in 1993 and never came back down...ever.  (except to do the occasional porn but that's for another day)

Vampiress Review: "Bloodz vs Wolvez"

The Gist: The leaders of a group of vampires and werewolves try to work out a truce while their underlings go out of their way to sabotage the peace. 

Clarification:  Don't let the cover art fool you, this is actually a movie about morality and class and race relations within the black community.  There's some action in the movies end but basically the majority of the film is two guys talking about each others lives while their crews down each other for who they are and tell them not to trust the other.

First you have the "Bloodz".  They are the vampires of the film.  They're the upper class business owning snobs of the bunch that don't think much of the werewolves and don't hide that fact.

Then you have the "Wolvez".  They are you uneducated ghetto stereotypes who are extremely primal (yes there's a scene where one of them walks in a circle before taking a dump on the floor like a dog).

Selling Point: Much like it's predecessor "Vampiyaz" the film has some serious undertones but there are some scenes that are just laugh out loud funny though I'm not exactly sure if designed that way (ex. despite the film being about man eating mythical creatures, white people are still the most evil characters in the film). 

Female Vampire Factor:  There's only 3 in the Bloodz. First you have Jezebel (LaMae) who only is seen sparingly in group scenes.

Then you have the other two who actually get screen time who are Jamila (Kandiss Marie, Left) and her secret lesbian lover Damphira (Jenicia Garcia, right)

As the story goes Jamila is married to the leader of the Bloodz, Asiman (Richard Carroll Jr.) but is a real snob and is 100% against Asiman's campaign to make peace with the wolvez.  On top of that she's having an affair with Damphira who is one of her bodyguards.  What's odd is they do this in full view of everyone but seemingly no one even acknowledges it till near the end of the film.

Jamila is the only one of the two who fangs out but she doesn't do anything vampiric.  As a matter of fact they only seem to come out when she's whining or nagging more than anything.

I assume Damhira would have had fangs if it weren't for the fact that Garcia had braces during the filming of this movie (great casting right?) which is sad because she's pretty hot and this is a MUCH steamier role then the one as a nagging paraplegic in Vampiyaz.

Jenicia Garcia

 Garcia is listed as the associate producer of the film so huge brownie points for producing a film where she's making out with a girl for 25% of it (Maybe that should have been the selling point).  Anyway that is the one thing that saves the movie from the total disappointment of it not being an action title as the title alludes to.  For that I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.
 

Vampiress Review: Cryptz

The Gist: Three guys are invited to a new strip club by a sexy girl on the street unsuspecting that it is run by a vampire priestess looking for victims.

 Clarification:  Director Danny Draven said of this film that he was inspired by the Grace Jones movie "Vamp" which is very obvious when you see this film.  Unlike Vamp it is much more logical in that the premise is a lot more believable.  Also like Vamp (which is a takeaway for me) it's just as gory which I think as far as vampire films go is pointless. A vampire spraying blood and guts everywhere is like someone going to McDonalds and rubbing a Big Mac all over their mouth but only getting some of it actually in there.  You just aren't going to get much nourishment with that and that's the whole reason vampires have fangs in the first place.

Selling Point: Surprisingly more entertaining than many other movies in the "low budget urban horror" category thanks to some charismatic characters that overshadow some strange and sometimes confusing plot points.

Female Vampire Factor: As in many low budget vampire strip club films the rule of 3 applies here.  You have your tongueless vampire priestess Kulada (played by Ty Badger).

You then have your vampire waitress who seems to not be on the list to get a promotion anytime soon for one reason or another but gets enough scenes to make her worth mentioning played by Olympia Fernandez.

 And finally you have your really hot familiar who is rewarded in the film with immortality for bringing in the three victims which makes her seem not as bad considering as a vampire she has an excuse for being as twisted as she is where she didn't before when she was just killing people for fun named Stesha (played by Lunden De'Leon).

If you're a fan of low budget films in the urban genre this is one of the better ones but as I said that's only compared to others in the genre (which isn't saying much in some cases).  As far as a Vampire Beauty Rating goes, it gets a 3 out of 5.  If you take away the gore it probably would go up to a 4 but even then the film "Vampz" is still the standard for what an enjoyable urban vampire film about strippers or prostitutes is meant to be like. 

Vampiress Review: Gothic Vampires from Hell

The Gist:  A gothic rock band looks like they are about to get their big break when a major record label shows interest in them.  Unfortunately the price of fame is a lot higher than they know.

Clarification: Basically this film is a hour + long infomercial for underground goth music with the first 10 to 15 minutes (as well as the last 5 or 6 minutes) of the film just being random scenes inside a goth club with music playing in the background and little else.  Once the film gets started it's a pretty good story outside of the "B" movie level "action" and gore that comes with every feeding scene.

Selling Point: If you like you're fanged women moody and gothic then you'll love this.

Female Vampire Factor: The good news with this film is (SPOILER ALERT!!) any female in the film that is important to the story is a vampire by the end.  First you have your main three Annastasia, Fawn and Jasmine played by Gina DeVettori, Sariah Bishop and Kristen Zaik.

Bishop, DeVettori and Zaik as the main vampire brood

Annestation Nightshade (above) is the leader of the group and CEO of Gotham Records.  Under the guise of a record company they have "private meetings" with potential clients as well as rival bands in order to feed on them (below). 

But something is different about the band "Gothic Vampires from Hell" and that lies with their lead singer whom Annestation not only wants for herself but believes can be their vampire leader.

 Problem is that his girlfriend Raven (Jessica Remmers) is also in the band and stands in the way of Annestatia getting what she wants. 

Super Spoiler alert!

In the end some weird looking goth guy has two hot women (his goth girlfriend and a rich sexy vampire record exec) fighting over him, he gets turned into a vampire against his will by the hot exec and to even things out he turns his girlfriend so that she would be able to have an even fight with her for revenge.  Does she win?  I won't spoil everything.

This film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  Outside of the live action very dull music video this movie starts out as it's a high powered fang fetish film.  While The other two girls in Gotham records have little purpose and barely any speaking parts, they all get their own solo sexy biting scenes to go with the plethora of group ones.   Gina Devetorri as Annestatia definitely steals the show.  Despite the sometimes corny dialogue you can't help but get drawn in by how seductive she is when it comes to getting her man.

The Brides of Blacula

First I want to apologize because if you've seen these films you know that "the brides of Blacula" technically don't exist.   At least not in the manner as it does in the Dracula franchise.  With that being said, in the United States February is black history month so I've been doing my part by including films with black vampiresses for a majority of the month.  With two days left I'm going for broke with my contributions to teach a little black history (centered around sexy vampiresses of course) each day.

Today's entry as you can see revolves around the 1970's blaxploitation franchise "Blacula".   First a little background.  "Blaxploitation" is the nickname given to the film genre from 1970 to 1979 which revolved mainly around black main characters.  Basically in the 70's people in the US got so tired of seeing the same "type" of people in films that film makers made a killing just by putting ethnic characters as the stars of their films (not just with blaxploitation as Kung Fu films also rose in popularity at this time as well).  Even the James Bond franchise had a blaxploitation flavored film with 1973's "Live and Let Die" (which marked the debut of Roger Moore). It was so successful that the Blaxploitation era basically ended because black characters became so popular that main stream film and television almost required them in most scripts by the 1980's destroying the need for a separate genre (though directors like Spike Lee, John Singleton and Tyler Perry have done their part to keep the "urban" film genre alive). 

Blacula (which obviously comes from a mash-up of Black and Dracula) would be the first blaxploitation horror film and is incorrectly credited as the first horror film of any type to feature a black vampire (The actual first film to feature a black vampire would be Jacqueline Sieger in the Jean Rollins film "Rape of the Vampire" which came out in 1968, a full 4 years before the first Blackula film).  The title, along with some of the more infamous low budget craptacular blaxploitation horror movies which followed this franchise turns a lot of younger audiences away from it as you automatically think of one of those bad movies you'd see on Mystery Science Theater 3000 where you would have a jive talkin pimp-like Dracula running around some place like Harlem slapping people (a caricature actually used in the 90's cartoon "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy").    That's why so many people are surprised if they do give it a chance and they find that it's the very opposite.

 Blacula is the story of an African prince named Mamuwalde who is attacked, turned and imprisoned in a coffin by Count Dracula.  Two centuries later he is released from his coffin prison where he spends the movie lusting after a girl named Luva (Vonetta McGee) who looks exactly like the wife he had prior to his imprisonment (making her his Mina) and the rest of the time is him trying and failing miserably at holding back his blood lust.  That latter making the film a true vampire horror film as unlike many others, bloodlust trumps better judgement every time thus making vampirism somewhat like the werewolf curse where all is fair game when the wolf takes over (not to mention he gets VERY hairy when he is in vampire mode to help with the scare factor).

My one problem with the franchise came down to the makeup used for the creatures of the film.  There was so much the undead were almost blue.  They in some cases were whiter then some of the actual white people in the movie after they died which wasn't flattering.

The above female wasn't bad looking at all when she was alive but as a vampire she looked HORRIBLE and that goes for all of them.  Weird makeup, crazy hair the whole nine yards.

 This problem gets slightly fixed in the followup film, 1973's Scream, Blacula Scream.  Mamuwalde is brought back to life via a voodoo ritual in order to do a voodoo priests dirty work but it ends up being turned around and the priest as well as anyone else who crosses his past get turned into a vampire.  In other words Mamuwalde pretty much becomes Count Yorga at this point creating an army of undead vamp women (and a couple guys) with bad makeup and frizzy hair.

  To make it even more memorable the film also pretty much lifts the casket scene from "Brides of Dracula" where we have an undead Gloria (Janee Michelle) pleading with a freaked out Lisa to join her as one of Mamuwalde's brides.

This gets stopped by Mamuwalde just after the groping but right before the biting.  Sadly preventing us from seeing a vampire Pam Grier!

If you don't understand how horrible the idea of not having a vampire Pam Grier in her prime is, I've provided a picture of what she looked like back then below.

Now here's the thing, what do you do when the first films were great but technology and skill could make it so much better.  A REMAKE!  They've remade Shaft so why couldn't someone write a retelling of the Blacula story (under a better name of course)?  Who wouldn't want to see top black actresses like Halle Berry, Beyonce Knowles or Vanessa Williams fanging out under Mamuwalde's spell and no I don't count Vampire in Brooklyn (though it was pretty obvious that's what they were going for). 

Come on Hollywood.... lets make it happen!

Vampiress Review: "Vampira" (Old Dracula)

The Gist: After an experiment to bring Count Dracula's wife back to life goes wrong and turns her black, Dracula travels to London in an effort to "cure" her.

Clarification: Basically Count Dracula had turned his home into a tourist attraction where people could stay the night in a vampire themed castle. There he would drug them and drain them of their blood and bottle it while they slept hoping to find a rare blood type that would cure his wife "Vampira" of a blood disease that resulted in her having to be frozen to prevent her death.  One evening a group of Playboy Playmates stay at the castle and one of them happened to have the magic blood type to cure Vampira.  That blood ends up getting mixed with the blood of one of the black playmates resulting in "Vampira" being cured and brought back to life but now as a black woman.

This film is a British attempt at capitalizing on the Blaxploitation craze which had taken over the US film industry in the 1970s.  The running joke of the film revolves around how much Vampira loves being a black woman in the 1970's and how ridiculously uncomfortable Count Dracula is about being married to a black woman.   Dracula spends the entire movie trying to keep Vampira from being seen in public with her "condition" but Vampira takes to the 1970's party lifestyle so well the last thing she wants to do is stay cooped up inside. 

Selling Point: The movie is funny and you FINALLY get to see Linda Hayden with fangs no thanks to Hammer!

Female Vampire Factor: We have two in this film...

Linda Hayden (Helga)

As I have stated in the past, the fact that she wasn't turned in "Taste the Blood of Dracula" irked me to no end.  This film makes that snub a little less painful even if her time as a bloodsucker was only temporary.  Helga was a student who was working part time at Dracula's castle as Dracula's sexy vampire bride during the tourist attraction.  One day she shows up and tells Dracula's servant (who plays Dracula during the attraction) that she's turning in her resignation because she's tired of spending the day in a coffin.  He then tricks her into going to the wine cellar with him but actually locks her up in a cell.  Dracula is then asked to bite her in order to keep her there long enough for her to work the attraction for the playmates coming in but he ends up drinking too much and turns her into a full vampire (top scene).  Dracula ends up having to host the dinner himself as the now vampire Helga tries to bite every neck she goes near (bottom scene).  Sadly after the dinner Drac has her destroyed with a crossbow.  

Teresa Graves (Vampira)

It's never said when exactly Vampira was turned but by the way she acts I highly doubt it was that long before she went under which according to the movie was 50 years prior to the present day of the time which would put it around 1924.  She is obviously much younger than Dracula and she is definitely in 1920's attire when we first see her and begins to listen to 20's style flapper music when she wakes up.  This is in complete contrast to Dracula who seems stuck in stereotypical Dracula ways.  With her overly positive response to changing races it also eludes to the fact that she was definitely brought up in a much more open minded time period than that of Vlad the Impaler.  Anyway it doesn't take her long to blend end to the 70's London vibe and by the end of the movie we find that she's bi-sexual as well.  Honestly don't see the problem here Drac.

I'm a huge fan of this film and an even bigger fan of the late Teresa Graves portrayal of Vampira.  The one complaint I have is that even with her name being the title of the film it wasn't really about her but Dracula and his problem with her.  In the US they fix the issue by naming it "Old Dracula" but I just believe the movie would have been much more entertaining had it been about the sexy black vampire going crazy and feeding on everyone in the London party scene (which seemed to be what the character wanted to do).  Either way there is still enough of her for the film to get a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.