Vampiress Review: "Vamp Bikers"

 

The Gist: There are bikers and some of them are vampires and occasionally really crappy cops confront them. 

Female Vampire Factor: There are a bunch sporadically in the film.  The ones that get the most screen time tend to be related to flashbacks related to one particular vampire including the female vampires in the group that originally turned him.

A blind girl that he is in love with who is eventually turned (who is also the first to have a bite scene in the film).

and the vampires that originally turned her that include two females. 

 

Final Opinion: This is indy film A.D.D. at it's worst.  It comes off as an hour and a half of scenes that when put together do not create a story that can be followed whatsoever. No transitions, no main characters to follow just a bunch of vampire bikers randomly doing stuff with multiple nonsensical time jumps to the past of someone that's never given any real importance. This film is part one of a trilogy that I can only assume was all shot at once because in one of the nonsensical time jump scenes a joke is made about the priest in the movie looking like an actor from the third movie which I guess would be funny if it weren't for the fact that chronologically no one would have seen the third movie if it hasn't come out yet when this was released. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5 as you do get some hot female vamps but none are main characters, it's clear their fang budget ran out by the end of the movie and there definitely isn't enough to justify watching this Frankenstein like collections of scenes they try to call a movie.

Vampiress Review: "Girls Just Wanna Have Blood"

The Gist: An unpopular girl who lives with her neglectful mother befriends a group of girls who end up being a brood of vampires that want to recruit her.

Female Vampire Factor: Your main vamps are April, Trish and Stacy.

Trish (middle) is the leader of the group with the other two being just followers.  It's never explained how exactly she became a vampire but it is explained that she wanted to become one after her parents died in a car accident destroying her belief in religion.  Their deal is to get men really drunk or high as well as horny before they can feed on them.  This is also not explained but I assume has something to do with wanting to get drunk or high by feeding, though this isn't a must as pretty much any scene in the film where they feed on females its basically just for the sake of killing and not for pleasure.  This only happens twice though.  The first time is when they attack some mean girls from Jessica's school for revenge on how they treated her and the second being when they attack her mother.

 Next we have Jessica

They convince her to turn after the above scene as they prove to be her first real friends.  

After she's turned she bites one of the johns there to visit her mother who attempts to force himself on her and the group joins in

 but after that she immediately regrets it, accuses the group of taking advantage of her while she was drunk and spends the rest of the film not wanting to be a vampire and even attempting to kill herself through exposure to the sun.  Her perverted neighbor saves her from the sun and explains to her if the head vampire is killed (Trish) everyone she turns becomes a human again.  He does this by literally showing her a porn on VHS that explains it (one of the few scenes where I kind of laughed out loud. 

Final Opinion: Also known as "Teenage Bloodsuckin Bimbo's" This film goes into the category of awesome concept but horrid execution.  There's been what feels like a million films with this same exact premise and this one probably had the most potential.  Unfortunately the writing and lack of direction gets in the way.  While I don't have an issue with the fact that it is supposed to be a goofy comedy, the extent of the absurdness of the non vampire parts and then trying to fit the vampires into that hurts the film tremendously.  Instead of showing us some type of connection between Jessica and Trish that would justify Trish wanting to turn her we get way too much of Jessica's mother whoring around and bikers and a lot of random things happening for the sake of happening. The Trish character and for that matter Destyne Marshai's acting skills were pretty much wasted in a movie that used the actual main characters as an afterthought.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5 only because the vampire casting is above average and when they are on screen something decent will happen but otherwise it just feels like a bad parody of a better movie.

Vampiress Review: "Megan Thee Stallion P.I. in Hottieween"

The Gist:  After being bitten by a vampire a private investigator becomes a vigilante clearing the streets of blood sucking men targeting women.

Female Vampire Factor: As the title states the web series stars rapper Megan Thee Stallion.

The actual bite and fang out scene happens in episode 2 where she meets up with a guy she thought was a witness to the murders going on around town who ends up being the vampire doing the killing.  She is woken up two days later by her friend who for whatever reason gives her garlic for breakfast along with the much more normal opening up the curtains.  This results in Megan running into her bathroom in pain where she notices she has fangs just prior to her reflection disappearing.

Final Opinion: I'm going to give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  It's three very short episodes that are straight to the point.  Episode 2 is where it's at as far as fangs go as episode 1 is just the setup and episode 3 is where she catches up to the vampire that turned her and kills him to go back to normal followed by a music video/blooper real.  Only thing keeping it from a five is that she never really struggles with the blood lust and all her bite scenes in episode 2 where she's attacking the male vampires are either off camera or not very good aesthetically (no fang out). Give me at least one real scene of her struggling to hold back (better than just talking about it which she does) and this had potential to be really good.

Vampiress Review: "Monster Mash"

The Gist: Two teens after their car breaks down in a storm end up in a mansion inhabited by a mad scientists and a bunch of very lonely monsters.

Female Vampire Factor: There are four in the film.  The main vampires are Dracula and his wife Natasha.  Natasha is played by former soap star Sarah Douglas.

Dracula and Natasha are having marital trouble as Natasha is convinced (rightfully so) that Dracula has eyes for other women.  This thought of course being confirmed since he always has three scantily clad brides with him that act as backup singers (one of which being In Living Color Fly Girl Carrie Ann (far left).

As far as the vampirism goes the "Draculettes" are the only women to actually fang out in the film which happens during Dracula's dance number "Old Eternity Blues".

Final Opinion: So this is a movie version of a stage play based on the 1967 hit song Monster Mash by Bobby "Boris" Picket who himself stars as Dr. Victor Frankenstein in the film.  The script was updated for present day (in this case 1995) and consists of a lot of dated jokes based on pop culture references of the time. I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  The damsel in distress of the film played by Full house star Candace Cameron does get bit by Dracula but she does not turn leaving the Draculettes being the films only real vampire T&A.

Vampiress Review: "Blood Woods"

The Gist: A group of bank robbers end up taking a family hostage after their getaway car breaks down who unknowingly are being protected by a vampire.

Female Vampire Factor: The first member of the bank robber crew to get turned is the only female of the group.  She's attacked by the main vampire while outside and when she returns she's banged up and complaining of extreme thirst.

Her brother who is also part of the robbers tries to get her out.  After he gets her into the car she fangs out and bites him (turning him).

She's not seen again until the scene where she is killed via being shot in the head after she attacks three of the female hostages.

It's also revealed that the old woman of the family is also a vampire but she is immobile, doesn't speak and is fed through blood cookies.

Final Opinion: This is a very low budget production so expect your average low budget movie issues like poor awkward scripting and bad lighting.  The biggest issue I have with this film is just the horridly slow pacing.  The film has a run time of about an hour and half but maybe an hour of it is the actual movie with the rest being a lot of fluff. By fluff I'm talking lots of establishing shots of trees on top of an intro and outro that establishes the film as part of a TV show that some backwoods person is watching on their TV while holding women hostage which promotes the video you're already watching or have watched. (Basically the actual film doesn't start till about 25 minutes in and ends 10 minutes before the ending credits)

The main story once it gets going is decent with the only complaint again being the start and stop pacing.  Basically Imagine From Dusk till Dawn (which, along with John Carpenters Vampires seems to be it's inspiration) but take away the fast paced story that reflects the gecko brothers attempt to escape the authorities and replace it with them sitting in the camper and talking about their day until vampire stuff happens. Basically it's an action horror that was awkwardly produced like it was a drama though no real dramatic stuff happens. 

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Only two vampiress scenes but they along with the backwoods meat shop parody commercial are probably the best thing in the film.  I definitely put this one on the list of "would be more enjoyable if a lot of stuff would have been kept on the cutting room floor or re-edited" category.