Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Vampiress Review: "The Beaumonts"


The Gist: A very socially awkward guy must save himself from his beautiful co-worker and her family who are vampires looking to him as their next meal.

Clarification:  This movie is downright great and downright awful at the same time.  It's one of those films where had they stayed with one storyline (specifically the "guy lusting after the girl who ends up being a blood thirsty monster" one) it would have been one of my favorites but instead it ventures off the beaten path to low budget dumb comedy and giving the vampire family it's own sub-storyline humanizing them where it wasn't needed.  In fact, the family and the "comedy" (it's not funny whatsoever) wasn't needed at all unless you think a running gag of the entire town being hard drug addicts is hilarious.  In fact if you just go in and take all mentions of the vampire family and drugs out of the film it's one hell of a horror movie.  With it in there its barely something that can be taken seriously. 

Selling Point: One word "Carmilla"!  The best use of the novelty retractable fangs I've probably ever seen. 

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned  the main and only watchable portions of the film revolve around the daughter of the family Carmilla (Sherri Lee).  She is seen in most of the scenes in which a vampire kills someone usually seducing them before she does it.
Joe eventually gets the nerve to ask her out and after their date they go parking where she makes out with him before eventually fanging out (he would be her 3rd victim by this point in the film).  Just before she takes a bite out of him a slayer saves him by attacking Carmilla's brother Edward who usually ambushes her victims. 
For the rest of the film until their final encounter she haunts him in his sleep
and occasionally taunts him over the phone after attacking people he knows
 Even when she finally does meet her demise it's while trying to seduce Joe. 
That movie sounds awesome right?  Well it is and Sherri Lee is damn good in this, unfortunately all throughout it you have to deal with a weird incest storyline where she comes off as a pouting and complaining teenager who has a sexual relationship with her father and brother who both want her for themselves.  Also because of this her father interferes in some of that dream seducing as well.  Pretty much killing what is otherwise great storytelling and mood setting that any of them can be taken seriously as a threat.
Also in the film her mother and aunt are vampires.  They're pretty pointless to the plot though and fall into the "pointless time filler" parts of the movie as most of the family scenes are.
Then in the films finale when they go after the Count he has 3 brides that he sicks on Joe and the slayer (who are also seen earlier in the film during Joe and Carmilla's date trying to seduce Joe in a bathroom).
 I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  It get's an easy 5 if we ever get a directors cut without the drugs as the film would have been perfect if the beginning was replaced with some type of storytelling making Joe a sympathetic figure who just broke up with this girlfriend (which is something that's thrown in matter of factly) with Carmilla being introduced as a temptress using his situation against him (instead of her just showing up in the background of a scene and then being asked out after 10 minutes of guys snorting drugs.)
With that change even the vampire family problems that turn what is otherwise a great vampire horror film into half a great vampire movie and half a terrible dark comedy about a backwoods family with boundary problems trying to get along can be forgiven.  Even with that though anyone reading this will probably like this film a lot.

1 comment:

  1. I usually judge by whatever good bits are there, rather than even thinking of them as movies - except for the bits of narrative context that are usually needed to enhance the "sexiness". For the most part these films are all 99% unwatchable. This is what fast forward was made for, lol. Thanks as always for mainting a great site.