Vampiress Review: "My Best Friend is a Vampire"

The Gist: A young man after a one night stand with a vampiress struggles with being a teenager while turning to a vampire himself and avoiding a pare of vampire slayers.

Female Vampire Factor: The vampire that turns poor Jeremy is the very attractive Nora (Cecilia Peck)

She ends up seducing Jeremy in some very sexy lingerie

 Eventually she gets him in the bed and before he knows it she's biting him.

Shortly after this two slayers burst in and go after her while Jeremy escapes.

While it's hinted at that they destroyed her Nora makes an appearance at the end of the movie along with several other female vampires who capture and turn the vampire slaying doctor in order to save Jeremy.

Final Opinion: Nora the Vampire is hot, Unfortunately she only make 4 appearance.  Once in the opening dream sequence, once where Jeremy delivers groceries to her, the eventual bite scene and then the films finale.  Even more disappointing she does not fang out at all in the film (Jeremy is the only vampire in the film to fang out).  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  There is no danger of this taking the "must see awkward teen boy is seduced and turned into a vampire by a hot older woman film" award from Once Bitten but on it's own it's an enjoyable comedy.

Vampiress Review: "Blood of Dracula"

The Gist: A teacher at an all girls school conducts an experiment on a co-ed hypnotizing her and turning her into a vampire.

Female Vampire Factor: As mentioned the main character in the film Nancy is the victim of hypnosis.

During various situation she blacks out and turns into a very weird looking bat vampire creature and ends up killing two students at her school and one male visitor.

Final Opinion:  If it weren't for the overkill on the vampire look this would be a pretty decent movie.  You still would have to deal with the 1950's teeny bopper singing and clique building story the film began with but watching Nancy lose control when she gets around people the way she eventually does would be much more rewarding if it was just fangs.  Since it's not I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "The Vampires Night Orgy"

The Gist: A group of travelers headed to their new place of employment are detoured to a small town where the inhabitants intend on eating them.

Clarification: This film is your basic unlucky tourist somewhere in Europe story.  The film starts with a group traveling on a bus.   Each being hired by a rich family to work for them.  During the trip the bus driver has a heart attack and dies so they drive to the next closest town to spend the night.  During the day the town seems abandoned but by sun down everyone is out and about.  Unfortunately for the travelers the town is full of cannibals and vampires.

Female Vampire Factor:  The countess of the town is the only real vampire in this film.  By that meaning she's the only one with fangs.

The rest of the town I would describe more as cannibals as it is established that they do butcher and serve human flesh as food.  The only time you see them do anything really old school vampiric is a scene where the countess after sleeping with one of the tourists bites him and throws him to awating tourists who swarm him.

Despite the name and other than a few scenes this film is a lot more gruesome than sexy.  It's pretty dark tone wise to say the least and probably a little ahead of its time as far as storytelling goes.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: Vampire (1979)

The Gist: A man finds himself the target of a vampire looking for revenge after turning him into the police for being an art thief.

Clarification: This was a made for TV film in 1979 that is basically just a modern interpretation of the Dracula story but with slight changes and taking place in California revolving around two men hunting the vampire. Probably not so coincidentally the lead vampire hunter in the film is named John Rawlins which is more than likely in homage to vampire film director Jean Rollins.

Female Vampire Factor:  Not much in this film not to mention there are no vampire effects used so no makeup, eyes or fangs.  The main protagonists wife Leslie (Kathryn Harrold) does get turned and he is tasked with killing her ala Lucy in Dracula mid-way through the film (her only scene as a vampire).

Outside of that you've got nothing else in that category so I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5. 

Vampiress XXX Review: "Ejacula 2"

The Gist:  An American couple come to stay at the castle of Ejacula completely unaware that they are in a castle of vampires.

Clarification:  Basically this is Ejacula 1 part 2 as you can put the two films together and it would just be one long movie (in other words it was shot as one long movie and just split into 2.)  This one is a bit more story driven than the first as we get more around the vampire hunter plus the story of the vampires wanting the couple staying with them to be part of their brood. 

Selling Point: Same the first as a Dracula costume fetish Film.

Female Vampire Factor: Ejacula as in the first film is played by Patricia Kennedy

Most of the sex scenes in this film don't include her this time around.   Instead dealing mostly with the couple,  the hunchback played by Ron Jeremy and of course, random vampire orgy's. Women with Fangs do get a bit more screen time in this film than in the first.

 This film and especially it's ending is best described as a clusterfuck.  Much like the first I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  It tries but as a porn it is average.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Hookers"

The gist: After one of their cohorts goes missing a group of sailors follow the last woman he was with in order to find him and end up at a graveyard brothel full of vampires.

Clarification: This film is best described as a pretty bad horror parody of a Jean Rollins film.  In fact many elements of the film remind me of "Lips of Blood" when it comes to the role of the female vampires in the film especially their looks.

Selling Point: Lenka Novak as "Suzy" (in green) is the only really entertaining thing about the film.

Female Vampire Factor:  So like most films using the vampire brothel/strip club theme you have three girls very similar to the brides of Dracula.

 As mentioned above as opposed to most "bride" films one of the girls actually has a personality that stands out and that's Suzy (in green).

Basically she's your stereotypical dumb blonde with a teenage girl style personality constantly complaining about wanting to be able to tan and being horny.  The other girls are somewhat annoyed by her during their interaction.

The actual vampire scenes are few and far between in the film mostly concentrating on either the sailors or the vampires interactions with each other though the few they have are pretty good.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  Had the film actually taken itself seriously like a Rollins film instead of going with a campy vibe it would have been gold.  Instead it's a bunch of not funny goofy scenes with vampire stuff spread throughout.

Vampiress Review: Captain Kronus: Vampire Hunter

The Gist: A Vampire Hunter is sent to solve the deaths of women in a town from rapid aging.

Clarification: This is best described as if Countess Dracula was a swashbuckling action movie.  Only difference being that these are actual traditional vampires (the supernatural fanged kind) though the results are the same (blood drinking to preserve youth instead of nourishment).  The more they drink the younger they get.  It is even stated during the film that the family that the murders revolve around are distantly related to the Karnsteins of Hammers other series of films.

Selling Point: Kronus' assistant is played by the super sexy bond girl Caroline Munro 

Female Vampire Factor: This film falls under more of a "who done it" than your traditional Hammer vampire film we're used to where you know from the beginning who the vampire is but no one else in the film does so in this case you don't actually see your vampires till the very end. There is some bait and switch to keep you guessing but in the end (SPOILER ALERT!) it turns out that the old bed ridden widow of Captain Kronus' friend Lord Durward "Lady Durward" (Wanda Ventham) is in fact the vampire.

The reveal is done in a way that you never actually see her as a vampire (they only show the fangs but not who they belong to).

While the movie itself is entertaining this is just another Hammer Horror film in which I spent the whole thing hoping Caroline Munro would get turned and was completely let down (the other being Dracula A.D. 1972).  While a female being reveled as the vampire did act as a payoff having that T&A dangled in front of you the whole film for nothing to really happen with her is a disappointment.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Muffy the Vampire Layer (1992)"

The Gist:  A California Cheerleader along with her friends raid a spooky castle looking for vampires.

Clarification: This is a film from the end of the golden age of adult cinema.  Back during a time when it was super generic and cheesy, full of big hair and terrible double entendres that always lead to random out of the blue sex.  Outside of the storyline you get 5 sex scenes.  3 standard guy on girl, 1 three way between two guys and a girl and one lesbian scene.

Selling Point:  The master vampire in this film is female.

Female Vampire Factor:  This is one of those "The payoff comes at the end" films.  Muffy's friends get picked off one by one by their A.D.D. which results in them forgetting why they're at the castle in the first place and having sex with anyone they meet up with which just leaves her by herself. That's when the master vampire arrives (Tawny)

This leads to a lesbian sex scene where the master vampire gets the best of Muffy.  Muffy (PJ Sparxx) then wakes up in her bed.  Was it a dream?  Apparently not as she wakes up with the vampires cloak on.

While the end of the movie was a nice payoff it really isn't much of a vampire film as much as it is an awkward comedic parody of the 1992 Buffy film that doesn't really pull that off well either.  For that I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Cave of the Living Dead"

The Gist:  A big city detective comes to a small European village to investigate the suspicious deaths of some of the young girls in the village.

Clarification: One of the few horror films in existence where the main character is as smart as the viewing audience which in actuality makes it not much of a horror movie and more of a detective film.  In fact the lead character Detective Frank Dorin (Adrien Hoven) is very Sherlock Holmes like in a way which makes him pretty bad ass.

As the story goes everyone in the small village knows the deaths are vampire related and blames (righfully so) the professor/scientist who lives in the spooky castle but the towns doctor who doesn't believe in the supernatural proclaims all the deaths of heart failure. When Detective Dorin comes to town he has no issues once all the facts are together in trying to convince the doctor otherwise.

Selling Point:  Detective Dorin is such a bad ass that his reaction to everything down to the vampires trying to attack him at night is modern day action movie style sarcastic one liners and quips and this film was made in Italy in 1964.

Quip example (paraphrased):  John the Butler:   How did you sleep last night?
Detective Dorin:  "Oh I had a wonderful dream where two beautiful women snuck into my room and...well it was just a dream"  He then proceeds to find the secret passageway the vampires snuck in through and searches it with no fear whatsoever.

One liner example (paraphrased): after they find the body of one of the dead (and now turned) village girls in a well wearing a black dress once her body which was in her white death dress goes missing the day before he tells the town police and non believing doctor "She must not have agreed with the white dress she had on before".   

Female Vampire Factor:  despite the premise of the film there are only 3.5 vampires in the film total but 2.5 of them are women.   First you have Maria the nice lady at the Inn the inspector is staying at (Erika Remberg)

Maria rises from her death bed as a vampire

She is seen in another scene with another vamp attempting to bite the detective (the .5) but the other vamp is never explained and never really seen again (we just assume it to be another of the towns victims).  The awkward thing about Maria is that once she dies she is literally only active at night (specifically at midnight).  Other than that she's just your regular lifeless corpse who the town seems to enjoy moving around a lot.  You would think after the first instance of placing a corpse in a location just to find it the next day somewhere completely different wearing different clothes and sporting fangs (which she does when they find her in the well) you might use some extra precautions than leaving the absent minded police squad (there are two officers in the entire force BTW) to guard her.

Maria's body as found at the bottom of the towns well after it goes missing

Since their equivalent of securing the vampires body is placing it on a slab or bed and basically saying "now don't move" she eventually gets out again and kills one of the towns two cops by throwing a perfectly aimed boulder onto him while missing the person standing right next him and then biting that person who happens to be Karin (Karin Field) the would be love interest of the detective (and official eye candy of the film with her lingerie spooky castle night clothes).  That would be if the detective wasn't such a bad ass that he blows off her attempt at hitting on him earlier in the movie (she's also the head vampire/town professors assistant).

This is by far quickest vampire turn I've seen ever and that says something considering how many of these films I've seen and this includes the rather quick turns in the 7 golden vampires, the main victim in Waxwork and Lucy Laweless's turn in the Bacchae episode of Xena. Karin is literally bitten and the second the vampiress (slowly) scurries away she has fangs.  She's also cured of her vampirism within 30 seconds of that with a magic potion.   

If there was ever a film that would probably do well with a modern remake it would be this one.  I can imagine what this could have been with a more solid story, better acting and the elimination of the constant reminder that there's a "colored guy" in the town (John Kitzmiller of "Dr. No" fame).  Just food for thought.  As for this one I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Tons of potential but at the end of the day its a film about the coolest vampire hunter ever and not so much the vamps.   

Vampiress Review: "The Playgirls and the Vampire"

The Gist:  A traveling group of Showgirls end up stranded during a storm and take refuge in a castle with a hidden secret.

Clarification:  This is your typical 1950's era pre womens lib film that feminists would totally hate. Not only are women objectified in it but they're made downright stupid and helpless but really weren't they always in early horror?

Apparently they weren't really good showgirls as they were too poor to pay their hotel bill which resulted in them having to choose between sleeping on a bus and trespassing onto the land of a creepy castle that everyone they spoke to told them not to and whose owners didn't even want them around if it weren't for the fact that one of the girls looked like his late relative that he apparently had an incestial crush on.

(spoiler alert)  The rest of the movie basically follows the same premise of "the Vampire Happening" in which you are made to suspect the owner of the castle of being a vampire (as does the showgirls) just to find out that the vampire just looks EXACTLY LIKE HIM and the not so friendly people of the castle were trying to protect the group the entire time.   

Selling Point:  The sexy curvy high waistline figures of 1960's T&A complete with mid movie striptease.

Female Vampire Factor:  You've got one in the character Katia played by Maria Giovannini

Katia was one of the showgirls.  She was turned by accident by the vampire of the castle as he mistook her somehow for his actual target Vera (Lyla Rocco) with the explanation that Katia was wearing Vera's jacket at the time of the attack.  Once Katia is out of her grave and walking around she doesn't wear clothes for the rest of the film (as you cas see above).  She only gets one real scene about her post vamp which is the above scene where she comes into the bedroom of the groups manager Lucas and attempts to seduce him.  The scene would be kind of hot if it weren't for Alfredo Rizzo's best Laurel and Hardy scardy cat impression at the site of her fanging out.

The next time we see her is unfortunately the last time.   As mentioned the vampire actually wanted Vera all along and once Katia finds this out becomes a bit of a pain in the butt for him.  Honestly who would want an eternity of nagging and "what, am I not good enough for you?" speeches.  Anyway once she threatens to kill Vera the vampire solves the problem the best way he knew how.

Down goes Katia and the movie pretty much comes to an end after that as soon after is the fight scene between the count and the vampire over Vera.  The movie is pretty entertaining as many during this time period were even with the corn factor.  Plus you have all kinds of fun screaming at women not to go into basements, spooky woods and other places that for whatever reason they feel the need to venture to after dark.  I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5. 

Vampiress Review: "Fangs of the Living Dead"

 

The Gist:  After receiving news of her estranged mothers death, a women goes to the ancient castle she lived in to claim it along with the rest of her inheritance just to find out that the supernatural events surrounding her moms death and her entire family history is part of a much bigger plan than now includes her.

Clarification:  This film was originally titled "Malenka".  Malenka refers to the main character Sylvia's (Anita Ekberg) great grandmother who was a scientist that was looking to find the key to immortality.  She was successful in a way as her cure ended up turning her husband into a vampire (who now poses as Sylvia's uncle) but resulted in her untimely death via being burned at the stake (apparently the second leading cause of death in women during the early 1800's behind "mystery plague").

The sub-plot of the film revolves around Silvia's fiance Piero trying to save her from her "uncle".  He really doesn't do that good of a job considering the entire movie consists of everyone and their sister (literally) telling the man exactly what's going on yet because he's a doctor him not believing it.  He looks the most boneheaded when he witnesses hot bar wench "Bertha" rise from her grave and attack the town doctor despite the fact that it was he who pronounced her dead in the first place.  I guess he's admitting that's he's not that good of a doctor after all.

Selling Point: Fantasy style vampires that seem to come right out of Gothic art paintings.

Female Vampire Factor: Technically there are only two vampires in the entire movie.  While Count Walbrooke aka Sylvia's uncle is a vampire he never actually shows his fangs.  That includes in the lone vampiric scene he has where he bites Bertha leading to her final turn into a vamp.  That means all the real vampire action is from the women.

Adrianna Ambesi (Glinka)

Her cleavage is the real star of this film as you can see.  Anyway Glinka seems to be the Counts chick on the side.  He keeps her locked up in the dungeon cellar under the castle but somehow gets out on a regular basis.  We first see her when she sneaks into Sylvia's room to inform her of the eminent danger she's in.  This establishes her as the "good" vampire.  This warning is then followed by some oddly lesbianic nurturing before the Count catches her, chains her back up and whips her.  He then exposes her to Sylvia as a vampire in an attempt to discredit her warnings. My favorite scene in the film with her revolves around Piero's buddy Max seeing her for the first time while waiting for Piero to save Silvia.  All he see's is her cleavage and legs and he's in love, so much so that her basically admitting that she's a vampire and has every intention of sucking all the blood out of him seems like a great idea to him. She then seems to forget about her blood lust when he offers to take her back to Rome with him but it doesn't happen though as she ends up getting preoccupied with helping Piero and Silvia escape....or does it?!?

Diana Lorys (Bertha)

 It's pronounced "Bare-Ta" by the way.  She is the hot bar made who along with her sister tend to tell everyone who walks into the bar that she's not feeling well and is increasingly weak. It does come off as weird as it sounds "well today's special is ground beef with vegetables and if you happen to be a doctor I've been really week lately" type of stuff.   Dr. Piero eventually diagnosis her with anemia and prescribes her some vitamins but she ends up dead the next day after a midnight visit from the count.  Despite everyone advising to stake her, Piero of course ignores it (not to mention his buddy Max while being left alone with her body actually seeing her fangs come in and only responding with "what death does to some people" before covering her up) and of course she rises that night full of energy and really, really happy to be a vampire.

 So we have a good vampire in black, a bad vampire in white who has a tendency to chase people but never catch them (and you can tell the Count definitely has a "type" as they do resemble one another who both resemble Silvia's great grandmother) so what better way to end a film like this than with a leggy, cleavagy female vampire catfight!

 While critics consistently bash this movie for the cheesy acting and repetitive nature of the story I find the whole thing entertaining as more of a comedy (it does seems that the film starts out as a serious horror then gets a lighter tone the further you get into it).  At the end of the day though this blog is about the female vampires and in which case the film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  They're SUPER hot, aren't stake fodder and the movie is dead without them.

Full Film

 

Vampiress Review:"The Brides of Dracula"

The Gist: A young schoolteacher is tricked into releasing a bloodthirsty vampire on the young women of Transylvania.

Clarification:  I was racking my brain on whether to include this film in my future blog about the sexy vampiresses of Hammer Horrors Dracula (as this movie was the sequel to Hammers original Dracula film released in 1958) but considering Dracula is not actually in the film along with how famous this film is on it's own (probably more-so than any of the Christopher Lee Dracula films are individually) the decision at the end of the day was pretty easy. Also it helped that 1973's "The Satanic Rites of Dracula" acts as it's own Brides of Dracula themed film.

Selling Point: Probably the most famous (and most copied) female vampire turn in film history.

Female Vampire Factor: This film gets a Female Vampire Rating of 5 out of 5.  First of all Baron Meinster (the main vampire in the film) was so hardcore in his turning women into vampires that he even turns his own mother.

Martita Hunt as Baroness Meinster

Second of all though she doesn't get turned Yvonne Monlaur (Marianne) was just plain hot and watching Gina beg Marianne for a kiss is a lasting memory I have no problem playing over and over.  This film is a classic in every sense of the word and probably the only falsely advertised film that could actually get away with it. (no Dracula in a movie with Dracula in the title in those days was like having a James Bond film without 007) .

Vampiress Cast

Marie Deveroux

The unknown village girl who is randomly attacked by the Baron and eventually rises from her casket to haunt the background of the rest of the film fangs blaring.  Did she have a purpose?  No... Did She need a purpose?.... No. Just more hot vampiress action to enjoy. 

Andree Melly (Gina)

I had such a crush on her after this scene it wasn't even funny.  She definitely wouldn't have had to ask me twice.  I couldn't understand why Marianne was such a prude.  It's just a shame her time as a vamp was so short lived.

  Film Stills