Saturday, January 13, 2018

Vampiress Review: The Last Revanents

The Gist: A scientist tries to help the last remaining vampires survive a disease that is wiping them out.

Clarification:  This is one of those great concept, poor execution films.  Problem being that it seems like they have absolutely no clue what direction they wanted this film to go (is it a horror about monsters eating people?  Is it a drama about people slowly dying of a disease?  It is romance about a woman who meets her dream guy through awkward circumstances?) so they're solution was to go  into all of the directions and attempt to cram it into 90 minutes.

Biggest complaint: Apparently their lighting budget was non existent with much of the film being in darkness with a few small lanterns.  The film is also about an hour and a half long but most of that consists of enough sub plots to do 4 entire movies just kind of thrown in and holy crap is the character Tiffany annoying.

Female Vampire Factor:

Tiffany is the most far gone of the vampires as she has no control over her blood lust (in fact she's the only one that seems to have issues).  She runs a massage parlor out of the BNB they operate and has been eating all her clients.  Most of her camera time is spent being irrationally hostile to everyone and nagging a lot. While the film does explain that the disease is the reason she acts the way she does it comes off more as obnoxious human irritability than vampire with uncontrolled blood lust.

Lydia is the Marlyn Munster of the group as in you really wouldn't know she's different if the film didn't tell you.  She's also the accountant of the BNB and falls for the police officer who is sent to investigate the disappearances of the massage parlor clients.  Her one major fang scene is pretty much a reenactment of the cop/vampire sex scene from Innocent Blood.

Rachel doesn't want to be a vampire and would rather be cured of that over curing a disease that would keep her drinking blood.  She doesn't actually feed on anyone during the film and all her scenes deal with her wanting to restore her humanity.

Mel runs a tatoo parlor out of the BNB.  She's also a lesbian who has a thing for Lydia but Lydia not being a lesbian makes that relationship a little one sided.


Dr. Ashley Wilson 
She's the scientist who comes in wanting to help the vampires.  Eventually it's revealed that her ex lover is a vampire and the reason for the experiments is to find a way for vampires to have kids and that she's always wanted to be a vampire but he wouldn't turn her.  That and about a thousand other things they reveal link her to the vampires but none of them really explain anything.  Her being turned is a "matter of fact" revelation in the films final scene so nothing of interest happens out of it.

The film is pretty much a jumble of stories poorly told so I have to give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Possibly this could have been better done as a short story collection where we meet each character individually with the end resulting in their individual issues having them coming together but as is it's a film that jumps around so randomly that even someone with A.D.D. would ask it to concentrate.

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