Monday, May 25, 2015

vampiress review: "All Cheerleaders Die"

The Gist: After dying in an accident that stemmed from an argument with a group of jocks that led to a high speed car chase, a group of cheerleaders are brought back to life through black magic but are now linked to each other and must survive off of human blood.

Clarification:  A remake of a 2001 movie this film has no clue what it wants to be.  Then again maybe it does.  If you take the films "The Craft", "Mean Girls" and "Jennifers Body" and put them together this is pretty much what you get.   It might have a decent scare factor if it weren't for the fact that the film doesn't actually have a protagonist at all.  Basically a group of macho jerks act like jerks to annoying slutty, snobby cheerleaders who then die and become blood sucking, annoying, slutty snobby cheerleaders.  Let's be honest here if everyone in this film died for good that school would be a whole lot more tolerable to go to for a lot of people.

The film is divided into 3 sections basically.  You've got your beginning which is your run of the mill coming of age teen drama filled with people in cliques walking in slow motion down hallways.

Then you get to the middle which is more or less a supernatural comedy filled with sex and teen girls in Underwear.

And then the films finale which is where the horror portion comes in.

  The comedy portion of the film feels extremely out of place as pretty much anything that would be scary ends up having some joke factor involved IE a scene where one of the girls is in the middle of threatening to kill someone but goes down in what you think is terribly acted pain like she's about to vamp out just to find out one of the other girls was having sex which lead to the rest having orgasms where they stood since they're linked to one another.  Also two of the girls are sisters whose souls were switched during their reanimation which leads to awkward horror comedy scenes where the younger sister starts living out her older sisters life (including sleeping with her boyfriend) resulting in the older sister going homicidal at people that have no clue they've done anything wrong.

Selling Point:  No nudity but tons of National Lampoon level T & A and lesbianism.

Female Vampire Factor:  So this film isn't advertized as a vampire film but it is in fact a vampire film and with the exception of the witch who revives them, all the female main characters are vampires (below).
From Left to Right: Amanda Grace Cooper, Brook Butler, Reanin Johannink and Caitlin Stasey
By the way what high school on Earth are the above cheerleader uniforms standard? also for the record the one on the far left is the schools mascot because as we all know, really attractive women are normally what's under those furry costumes.

Anyway here's the disappointing factor for some of you. While they do drink blood, have superhuman strength and are in fact the living dead (there's a scene where Reanin Johanninks character takes her boyfriend (or in this situation her sisters boyfriend as her and her sister switched bodies) virginity and he goes around bragging about it but at the same time being confused because no one told him vagina's were cold),  unlike your standard movie vamps they function just fine in the sunlight and they don't have fangs. Ironically enough these girls are more vampiric than most of the movies I review where they do have fangs but never actually use them.  Especially the character Tracy played by Brooke Butler (the blonde) who pretty much kills anyone she's alone with.
 The rest you never really see feeding outside of a group feeding scene just after they are revived.  The one exception being the witch letting the girl she has a thing for feed off of her hand.
Despite that I actually found the film to be very entertaining.  (spoiler alert) it does have an open ending so either there will be a sequel or this ends up like "Vampire Academy" and you just have to live with the anti-climatic ending you're dealt.  I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 of out 5.  As long as you can get passed the lack of fangs and know what you're getting.  It's a pretty decent vampire comedy like film.       

1 comment:

  1. I need fangs....but man....i like the story.