Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Assassin"

The Gist:  A cop with a fear of blood must face his fear as what starts as a sting operation against a counterfeiter ends up being a war with vampires. 

Clarification:  Basically this is just an exhibition for star Ron Halls martial arts skills.  If you've ever seen a Jackie Chan movie that's about the level of plot development you're going to get here.  Hall as cop Derek Washington gets attacked by 700 people (one at a time obviously) and is then taunted by the movies vampire antagonist Gustoff Slovak (Mel Novak) in long drawn out speeches in which he really doesn't say anything of value ever but makes him seem more "villainy".  In other words it's like watching Blade but without that high budget getting in the way. 

Selling Point:  The cheese factor on this one makes it mildly entertaining. For example Slovak unlike other vampires I assume can be hurt by bullets so in order to keep from getting injured by them he flaps his Dracula like cloak around like he's punching them out of the air.

Female Vampire Factor:  As I mentioned in the clarification this is basically just a martial arts exhibition so anyone who isn't the character Slovak is just a moving punching bag.  That means there are no female vamp main characters or quite frankly any that get quality screen time other than to establish who is about to get killed next.

With that I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  After all they are pretty hot for the 3 to 5 seconds they're on camera before a stick gets put in their chest.

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