Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Vampiress Review: Revamped

The Gist: A guy gets himself turned into a vampire after finding out his wife was cheating on him and ends up in the middle of a supernatural war.

Clarification: Lets just get this out of the way, this movie is VERY cheesy (I'm talking "female vampire clown for no reason" cheesy). At first glance you would think it's a comedy (and prior to the opening credits it pretty much is).  The main character Richard after getting his credit card statement in the mail notices charges for several stays at a swanky hotel.  Upon calling the hotel he finds out that his wife had been staying there several times with another man pretending to be him.  He is so depressed by it he tries to kill himself but fails miserably at it.  After seeing a commercial on television for a service that turns people into vampires he calls to schedule being turned.  After a few super cheesy dream sequences about guys sucking his blood he changes his mind.  That is until Lillith arives at his door in sexy lingerie as his new vampire maker.

After his plan blows up in smoke by him almost getting cremated with his widow not having enough money to pay for the funeral the comedy portion of the movie stops and it pretty much becomes an action film about vampires trying to curse the world into eternal darkness while a group of hunters, the local police and a group of half breed vampires try to stop them.

Selling Point:  Lots of hot vampire women fanging out in between cheesy dialogue in this one.

Female Vampire Factor: As you can see above there is an abundance of it.  It's pretty much a far gone conclusion that the whole purpose of the casting of this film is for the T&A despite the total lack of nudity (though lets be honest, all you have to do is turn on Cinemax any weekend after midnight to see Tane McClure naked).  

Outside the random vamp T&A you do have two female vamp main characters....

Tane McClure (Lillith)
The sexy vamp milf sent to Richard in order to turn him to start the ball rolling on the entire film.  Immediately upon meeting him she seems to have an emotional connection with him (not really, you actually kind of get that Stripper to lonely guy at strip club connection vibe when it comes to her feelings for him but I think that just comes from the less than stellar acting job.  She actually is supposed to be in love with him).  Richard is so infatuated with his sexy brunette maker that he searches all of Los Angeles for her getting himself deeper and deeper in mess as she's associated with some pretty bad people.  

Christa Campbell (Lexa)
Lexa is Lillith's evil sister, you can tell their sisters due to their matching hair color and same taste in clothing which includes only wearing skin tight short black dresses.   Lillith is very protective of Lexa despite their total difference of opinion as to what it means to be a vampire.  Unfortunately for Lillith, Lexa doesn't feel the same way and has no problem selling out her sister for the sake of ruling the world. 

Just to reiterate, this movie is VERY CHEESY.  The story itself goes about a million different directions and many of the characters have back story's.  Some get explained while others it almost seems we should have already known about but it's OK since the characters will stop at extremely inopportune times to give a bit of a half assed explanation of their back-stories and why their inclusion in the movie is meant to be important (you know instead of actually writing it into the film).  If this blog was about the entertainment value I'd have no problem tearing it apart but still say it's not the worst movie I've ever seen and recommend it to anyone who has a high tolerance for low budget films.  Since this blog isn't about that and about the fanged T&A then I have to go ahead and give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  The only downside in the vampire beauty factor was Alanna Curry's character "Mary" never fanging out (basically she's this movies version of "Star" from "The Lost Boys") but at least she does for the promotion of the film.

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