Thursday, February 13, 2014

Vampiress Review: Night Fangs

The Gist: An art teacher and her homicidal lesbian lover decide to perform a ritual in hopes of becoming vampires but things don't exactly go according to plan.

Clarification:  Ok before I go any further let me say that this is one of those low budget late night horror films in the style of those that used to be abundant on weekend late night TV in the 70's and 80's so if you're too young to remember the rules to those films let me go ahead and give them to you now.
1.  Nothing anyone in these films does is logical AT ALL.
2.  They have the movie gore makeup kit and they're going to use it.
3.  Nothing anyone in these films does is logical still
4.  College kids do not have basic social skills
and last
5.  Nothing anyone in these films does is logical EVER.

Basically the point of these films is to get you to yell at the screen because while it's obvious to you that everyone should get out the house and never go into dark basements etc.  Rules 1, 3 and 5 are in full effect.

Now the premise is pretty simple.  Not so creepy lesbian (Leslie Frank) does whatever creepy lesbian (Cyn Dulay) says.  Creepy lesbian wants to be a vampire and goes on a murdering spree and only AFTER killing 3 people does "not creepy" lesbian start to think "this is a bad idea".  At this point it's too late as creepy lesbian now wants to kill not creepy lesbian to see if their plan works by drowning her in their really big bath tub.
Not creepy lesbian knocks out creepy lesbian and leaves the bathroom (as they bath in their victims blood Elizabeth Bathory style) but for whatever reason doesn't leave the house.  All the while creepy lesbian's blood ends up in the bloody water with the dead body of their last victim (Ruby Gonzalez) and since apparently they read their "evil rituals for dummys" book incorrectly turned that girl into a vampire instead of themselves who then attacks and turns creepy lesbian.
Not creepy lesbian then decides to check on the one who just tried to MURDER HER to see if she's ok just to end up seeing creepy lesbian with fangs and REALLY, REALLY, SLOWLY coming at her.  Non creepy lesbian must have enjoyed the whole "having a hot naked Spanish chick walking toward her" thing because the whole fangs and not having eyeballs anymore look didn't scare her away to the point that she also gets bitten and turned as well.
Now while all this is happening the original girl turned has a bunch of really obnoxious and homophobic friends who eventually figure out the lesbians plans to kill her and instead of going to the police they decide to head to the lesbians house Scooby Doo style (this gets referenced slightly) with no weapons or plan whatsoever.  Since this is a horror movie you can pretty much figure that doesn't go well.

Selling Point:  All the guys in the film pretty much leave all the females to get systematically turned.  Then try to go back after the fact to "rescue" them a few DAYS later.  That's hilarious to me. 

Female Vampire Factor:  I pretty much gave you the entire movie.  Women turn other women who then turn other women.  Not much else to it.   The thing I really enjoyed about this film is that the vampires completely lose their humanity once they're vampires.  They function a lot like a pack of wolves actually and are not above eating each other if there's nothing else to eat.   They have no ability to speak but sadly they're more logical than the humans in the film even though they're basically fanged blood drinking zombies.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  If you're a chicks with fangs fan pretty much skip to the middle of the movie.  Otherwise this is a great movie to watch with friends and laugh at.

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