Thursday, January 21, 2021

Vampiress Review: "Vamp Bikers Tres"

The Gist: Vampires and witches form a truce as zombies and the mad scientist creating them become a bigger threat to them than they are to each other.

Female Vampire Factor: There's a lot less vampirism in this one being that the zombie thing is the focal point of the first act and there is no supernatural anything in the last.  There are a few rehashed femme vamps from the first two films and randos in weird montages but that's about it. 

Final Opinion: This film is best compared to a completely mixed up rubix cube.  I will go as far as to say this is worse than the first two in the "not sure what's happening ever" department.  

On top of that every scene seems to be be cut up and spliced together with different angles and effects to a dizzying degree.  Think of Micheal Bay Transformer fight scene style editing but during regular conversations and with color filters and different lens types for added nausea.  The movie even stops to have a real music video for a rap group called "The Zombies" about 15 minutes in and another random video of a girl dancing an hour in (side note: the rap isn't terrible and the lead rapper (below) does technically count as a female vampire since she gets turned a scene later before biting a girl then completely disappearing from the film with no explanation).  

But its ok.  The movie eventually brushes all of this and the previous two movies away as fever dreams of people in comas in an asylum run by a crooked doctor who was planting the ideas of vampires, zombies and witches in their heads.  Yep, everyone is just crazy people playing out fantasies in a mass hallucination (but the story doesn't start making sense after this reveal either).  Oh and we find this out through a random one off appearance by porn legend Ron Jeremy whose only purpose is to explain this.
I give this one a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5 since this is basically the point it's no longer about vampires so it's not even watchable for that let alone the fact that it's capable of causing seizures and motion sickness.

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