Thursday, August 8, 2013

Vampiress Review: "The Velvet Vampire"

The Gist: A young couple spends the weekend with an excentric woman at her desert home who in reality is a vampire who's hundreds of years old.

Clarification:  This is one of those movies that probably made more sense in the 1970's than it does in today's society but at the same time shows how stuffy we've become.  Considering the film pretty much follows the repetitious formula of couple + vampire go on site seeing adventure, girl of couple decides to stay behind while vampire and guy walk off to attempt a quick roll in the hay but gets stopped when girl of couple gets attacked by random animal (then again this film wasn't very popular in the 70's either). The thing that separates it from something made today is the fact that a woman being cheated on pretty much has the same amount of importance to her as eating the last yogurt in the refrigerator (unless you really like yogurt).  She's very well aware of whats going on and is upset by it but more because she's jealous of him more than hurt over her husband wanting another woman.  In other words, this would never end up on Lifetime.

Female Vampire Factor:  Your vamp in this film is Diane Lefanu played by the lovely Celeste Yarnall.
The problem with this film is she really isn't much of a vampire at all.  She doesn't have fangs, not only can she come out in the daytime but lives in the desert and only functions during the day.  In fact the only supernatural thing about her is that she doesn't age.  Otherwise she's just a weird and very horny lady who the couple has sex dreams about and who the guy of the couple spends 70% of the movie trying to have sex with unsuccessfully due to his wife's inability to stay out of trouble. Since it barely qualifies as a vampire movie at all I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  At best it can be categorized as a VERY slow moving softcore porn complete with awful ending.

Full Film

No comments:

Post a Comment