Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Vampiress Review: "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Undead"

The Gist: A slacker who lives in his Dad's office gets a job as the director of a play about Shakespeare characters from "Hamlet" becoming vampires.  What he doesn't know is that the writer and star of the play is a vampire who is turning art into life.

Clarification: The main story of the film revolves around the main characters inability to maintain a job or a steady relationship. His life is so horrible that he sleeps all day, has regular sex with random hot women who's names he doesn't remember and doesn't pay any rent whatsoever.  It sounds like a downright horrible life to have and can't understand how anyone can live that way (EXTREME sarcasm).  The big issue stems from the female lead of the play he's directing being his ex girlfriend that he's still hung up on and his wanting to protect her.

Selling Point:  The Italian "Guido" stereotype that the main characters ex-girlfriend was dating who helps him vampire hunt is played by Ralph "original Karate Kid" Macchio

Female Vampire Factor: Could have been better but they're in here (!!contains major plot spoilers!!)

The "wardrobe girls" Lyuba and Zadeska 
 (Carmen Goodine & Azie Tesfai )
 These two beauties are basically your stereotypical "brides of Dracula" types.  They hang around the background of scenes not too far from the main vampire "Theo".  They're new at the whole being a vampire thing as Theo is training them in how to turn people very early in the movie and the main vampire has no real romantic interest in them as he's per-occupied with the reincarnation of his soul mate.  As far as fang scenes go, Zadeska has plenty of scenes shown fanging out.
 Lyuba on the other hand is barely noticeable even during her bite scenes and is the first vamp to be offed midway through the film. It's ok though because she is quite easily replaced.

Devon Aoki (Anna Blake)
The girl everyone in the film is hung up on. Anna is an aspiring actress who even though has broken up with her ex boyfriend Julian (the main character) after he cheated on her, seems to have absolutely no problem calling on him for absolutely EVERYTHING.  Their relationship was apparently not very good on both ends (he's a womanizer and she's a user) so it seems they were made for each other.  Obviously if she makes the list it means that Julian doesn't do a very good job of protecting her and preventing Theo the vampire from turning her.  Unlike in most films with this type of plot she gets turned prior to the end of the film so it's not a "surprise last scene" or anything like that.  Though she's a vampire you only get to see her fangs very briefly right after you find out in a scene where her and Zadeska attack two cops attempting to arrest Julian. Otherwise she gets the pale skin and contacts treatment.

So while the girls are very much a part of the plot I can't say as far as female vamps go that this is a must see film.  Otherwise it's a halfway entertaining comedy as far as stand alone entertainment value.  In the end I give it a Vampire Beauty rating of 3 out of 5

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