Sunday, September 20, 2020

Vampiress Review: "Tales of Found Footage"

The Gist: Three horror shorts taken from a first person perspective.

Female Vampire Factor: The story that gets this film on this blog is #2 "Mail Order Bride",  It starts with a guy with his sleezy buddy and a prudish woman at a restaurant celebrating that his mail order bride from Romania is arriving today.  The woman spends the whole time shaming the guy "Hooch" for going through with it warning him that they could be women being exploited or trafficked. 

Skip ahead to a torturous car ride that feels like we're witnessing their entire drive to the airport where they literally BS the whole time in dialogue straight of out of staged reality porn.

They finally arrive at the airport and see his bride Nicoletta and find she didn't come alone as she brought her friend Mihaela with her who doesn't speak English. 
They head to a bar where we get a montage of Hooch and Nicoletta bonding as well as the camera guy Matt being a horned up creep about the whole thing.
Finally they head back to Hooches place where Nicoletta wants to get him alone. She asks to see his bedroom then says she has a surprise for him. She leaves and when she comes back she's in a sexy schoolgirl outfit. 
They get hot and heavy (which you don't see) but you then hear Hooch complain about getting bit and bleeding.  The camera comes back on to reveal Nicoletta has fangs. 

Hooch runs back down the steps to get Matt who was left alone with Mihaela just to find her draining him of blood. 

The scene ends with a fanged Nicoletta and Mihaela (who it's revealed does speak English) taunting Hooch about how easy American men are to seduce before they both pounce on him.


Final Opinion:  The two other stories in this film include the first film which is "#TheChallenge" which is about two girls that do a social media challenge to explore an abandoned hotel who end up being possessed by the ghost who haunts it;

and the third story titled "The Coven" which is about two goth girls who are trying to practice witchcraft and get the idea to sacrifice their friend who then comes back from the dead and hunts them down.  

While the premise calls these "found footage" films the reality is that's pretty much just a way of saying "filmed using cell phones and cheap equipment" as there is way too much production going on for this to be found footage (multiple camera shots and edits), not to mention it doesn't make sense for anyone in the third film to actually be filming any of the stuff they're doing. 

From an entertainment standpoint it's very much watchable for the most part with the vampire story probably being the worst of the three seeing as it's 30% nagging, 60% Bang Brothers porn parody without the porn and only the annoying guys talking about getting laid parts and 10% vampire stuff.  Because the 10% of Vampire stuff is fantasy driven I'll give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  Basically skip straight to the part where they go back to Hooches house and ignore literally everything before that and it's a 5.

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