Vampiress Review: "Therapy for a Vampire"

The Gist: A vampire while attending therapy finds that the girlfriend of the artist contracted to draw his dreams is the doppelganger of his first love and has limited time to reincarnate the original into the new body. Problem is not only is she in a relationship but she's very head strong and he's married to a very vain and jealous vampire and his servant also has eyes for her.

Female Vampire Factor: The main antagonist of the film is the Countess Gräfin Elsa von Közsnöm (Jeanette Hain)

The countess is very vain and constantly bugs the count about her looks.  He is very much no longer into the marriage which is the bases of all his therapy sessions.  When he finds the girl who looks like his first love named Emily (Cornelia Ivancan) the count devises a plan where he uses her boyfriend Viktor to distract the countess while he works on Emily.  He tells her that Viktor can paint her so she can see how beautiful she is. These painting sessions don't really go well as Viktor is very clumsy and multiple times ends up hurting himself leaving the countess to try to control her blood lust long enough to get the paining done.

Eventually Viktor finishes the painting which ends up looking like Emily which the countess doesn't notice.  When she goes back to the castle to show the count she catches him with Emily.  When she realizes the painting is of her this sends her into a rage and she attacks and bites Emily.

The count takes Emily to his therapist to watch over her while he figures out how to keep her human.  While this happens Viktor finds her there in bed with the therapist and thinks she's seducing him when she's actually biting him. 

Emily has very little memory of what's been going on as she's always hypnotized during her meetings with the the count. She does realize she's now a vampire and let's Viktor know that she wants to turn him so they can be together forever.

This is short lived as the countess kidnaps both and ties them up leading to a final battle between the count and countess that ends with her accidentally staking herself while trying to stake the count as a neighbor opens the door leading to her running into it.

Before they can relax the counts servant kidnaps Emily and gives her a blood transfusion taking away her vampirism. When she realizes she's human again she begs the count to turn her back when the count finds her.   He attempts to bite her but in the process ends up getting her neckless and losing his fangs.  After realizing this he disappears into the night.

The film ends with the therapist reading up on the side effects of being bitten by a vampire and the counts servant is his newest patient.  The last scene shows Viktor and Emily and their life together with her now being a vampire.

Final Opinion: Can't say enough positive about this film  It's a very entertaining dark comedy with a very clever take on jealousy and toxic relationships as well as one of the few films to dive into the concept of a vampire bride not being cool with the wandering eyes of the count.  Most importantly you have a movie with a strong female vampire lead who is a predator and not a sympathetic character in any way and the object of the male vampires lust does get turned and you don't have to wait until the last 2 seconds of the film for it to happen.  For that I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.

The Vampiress Episode: "American Horror Story"

Season 5

"Hotel"

American Horror Story is a television series which has aired on the FX Network in the US since 2011.  The show acts as a mini series with every season acting as one story with a start and end with every new season acting as a new story with new characters (though usually played by the same actors). 

Season 5 has a slight relation to the first season as it is the first to have a recurring character from another season appear  ( the murder house Realtor Marcy).  The season revolves around a haunted hotel called "The Cortez".  The Hotel is owned by the Countess played by singer and Vampire Enthusiast Lady GaGa.

The Countess is an immortal vampire who lives in the hotel along with her vampire boy toy.  Problem is she gets tired of her men (and women) quickly and seems to turn any attractive young person who steps foot in it which becomes a lot once the hotel is bought by a famous fashion designer.  Unfortunately she is also broke so her plan as of this writing is to marry the fashion designer then have him killed for his money. 

There are several side plots on the series one of which revolves around the countess kidnapping and turning children for her to filter blood through.  The kids drink the blood of dirty people, she then has the children bled and drinks their blood. This will later cause a problem for the countess as one of the children is the kidnapped and believe murdered son of a police detective who's staying at the hotel while trying to solve a murder investigation revolving  a cheating couple who died there (a murder which is separate from the vampirism and each killing being a representative of the 7 deadly sins).

Another Vampire subplot has to do with a 1970's B movie actress named Ramona Royale played by Angela Bassett.  Bassett who also played in Vampire in Brooklyn  plays a former love interest of the Countess who was turned by her in the 1970's.  At the point of this writing she's seeking revenge for the Countess killing her lover.  The countess did it out of spite as she doesn't approve of others creating vampires.  

Despite the Entertainment Weekly article about this season showing small fangs on GaGa the vampires in this series are fang-less with vampirism being explained as just a disease where your immune system is super powered through drinking blood (which is awkward as they are confirmed to be the living dead). The show is more about shock value than anything really horror movie like though there have been a hand full of jump scares from odd demon like creatures showing up in the hotel along with the murder sub-plot.  American Horror Story can be seen every Wednesday on the FX Network.

UPDATE:  On Episode 4 of the season entitled "Devils Night" the countess was confronted by the mother of the above mentioned child and estranged wife of the police officer living in the Hotel "Dr. Alex Lowe" (Chloe Sevigny).  Lowe found her child and took him home just to witness him drink their dogs blood and demanded to know what was wrong with him.  The Countess' response was the truth and informed her the only way she could be with her son again was to become like him.

As the above picture indicated you can see she chose her son over her life and after a bit of lesbian kissing and GaGa boob blood drinking Dr. Lowe is now a vampire.  This brings the shows female vampire count to 4 including the front desk clerk played by Kathy Bates who was turned in the previous episode but not counting the female children who barely exist on the show. 

Vampiress Review: Once Bitten

The Gist:  A Vampire Countess must drink the blood of a virgin 3 times before Halloween or loose her youth.

Clarification: This film is more of a guilty pleasure more than it is a "must see".  It's a comedy which pretty much mocks the "impurity" or Los Angeles in the 1980's as High School senior "Mark" is the only virgin in the entire city and is trying his best to not be while the countess is busy trying to get her drinks in before that happens.

Selling Point: A Young unknown Jim Carrey and lots of supermodel vampire cleavage from Lauren Hutton.

Female Vampire Factor:  The positive about this film is that it is about a female vampire.  One who happens to be played by a former supermodel and is very seductive (at least for a comedy).  The negative is there is no real blood drinking other than those related to the main plot and you never actually see those bites.  That means no fangs.  Well with the exception for this scene during the movies end confrontation....

Hutton isn't the only female vampire in the film.  As the countesses story goes each of the virgins she bites in order to keep her youth eventually become vampires themselves and she takes them under her wing (apparently as a reward).  When we meet those who pretty much act as henchmen and women that includes two females played by Robin Klein and Carey More (below)

They don't do much in the film other than hang in the background as eye candy and you do get full back nudity (impressive right) but otherwise you're not getting too much out of this film vamping wise so I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  If you like cougar cleavage, this is your film, otherwise not much to offer.

Vampiress Review: The Vampire Happening

The Gist: A Hollywood actress flies to Transylvania after she inherits her families castle just to get caught up in major hi-jinx as she is the spitting image of her great grandmother who is a centuries old vampire.

Clarification: This German film is best described as "The Parent Trap" only with half naked women with fangs as opposed to teenage girls.  The story revolves around the Countess Clarimonde and her using her resemblance to her great granddaughter as a cover in order to roam the night looking for victims without anyone noticing.

Selling Point: This film borders the line on being a softcore porn as it's pretty much guaranteed that if a female is in it, her top won't be on for long.

Female Vampire Factor: Pia Degermark plays a dual role in this film as both Betty Williams (identified by her red painted fingernails and blonde wig)

Pia Degermark as "Betty"

and Countess Clarimonde (identified by Black fingernails, raven haired wig and rose she wears around her neck).

Pia Degermark as "The Countess"

 It's very easy to get confused as to who is who as they switch looks more and more the further in the movie goes.  It gets especially confusing once the two finally meet face to face and you have no clue who is talking.  Part of the issue being that the only personality difference between the two characters is that the Countess has bisexual tendencies and will hit on anything that moves while Betty is just slutty heterosexually.  Either way, they are both very slutty.  Below is a scene where The Countess seduces and takes a bite out of a monk after Betty seduced him during the day and invited him over to the castle.

It's not a bad movie and a great find (and in most cases very cheap if and when you do find it).  There are a few classic movie collections such as 2005's "Vicious Vixens" 3 movie set that includes this film in it.  Plus, when's the last time a vampire film had a giant vampire orgy in it?  This film gets a vampire beauty rating of 4 out of 5.