Female vampires once ruled the world. Now they are overlooked for glittering guys with big hair. It's time to point out why the female of the species should be the center of attention.
The Gist: A couple who is addicted to drinking blood struggle with their relationship when they can no longer steel it from blood banks and must depend on murder.
Clarification: It's Troma so it's super low budget (don't expect to see very well in any scene that's dark or be able to hear at all in any scene that's outside). On top of that it's a very bad attempt at being artistic. In reality it's about two people who are really bad at being vampires whose issues stem more from just not being very smart.
You see they aren't supernatural in any way so the idea that they're having a lack of blood seems a bit silly considering there is two of them (why wouldn't they just drink from each other? The woman lets the guy feed from her once in the film, movie should have ended right there right?)
Then when they do have blood it goes practically everywhere but in their mouths (they literally poor it on themselves) then they have temper tantrums when they've run out. This repetitive nonsense goes on for the bulk of the movie.
Selling Point: There's some full frontal nudity in it. That's the only thing I can think of.
Female Vampire Factor: The vampiress in this film is Felicia (Pamela Price)
So reading between the lines Felicia was a hot crazy girl who used her hotness to get her easily influenced boyfriend Calvin to join in her crazyness. In this case drinking blood.
As the movie goes along Calvin seems to have spurts of intelligent thought while Felicia goes further and further into being a loony psycho killer who hears voices and sees people who aren't there who tell her to do bad things.
I can honestly say if the movie didn't try so hard to fill the hour and a half run time with meaningless plot stopping conversations and at least tried to have some structure instead of just doing stuff just for the sake of shock value and having something happen on screen, it wouldn't be that bad. Felicias road to insanity is an intriguing story and really should have been the main plot instead of just a few clips in the last 10 minutes.
Because of the lack of structure in where the movie wanted to go, the character development really isn't there for the ending to be as powerful and emotional as they intended it to be. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.
The Gist: The caretaker of an abandoned home tells stories about the previous tenants to someone interested in buying it.
Clarification: Pretty much a similar plot as "The House that Dripped Blood" you get three stories in this film. The first deals with a guy getting out of prison after murding a bunch of party goers in the house and being haunted by them and the third being a cop using supernatural abilities to find a serial killer. The reason it's being reviewed here is the second story.
Selling Point: Not bad by Troma standards.......but still Troma.
Female Vampire Factor: This would be story number two. A guy goes into an abandoned house after being stood up by his girlfriend because he hears a female voice calling his name. It ends up being a woman in black lingerie (nothing suspicious about that right?)
Anyway she's ready to go and he's already horny from earlier in the day so he's easy prey resulting in her fanging out, biting him and turning him.
The guys little sister and brother end up going to the place to rescue him but ends up being confronted by the woman and is attacked by the now vampiric version of him as well. By stories end the woman is dead and the little sister now takes care of her vampiric brother.
As I said the film is decent by Troma standards but that isn't very high. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.
The Gist: A vampire from an alternate dimension finds himself in the human world dealing with a vampire hunter as well as his power hungry sister.
Clarification: It's Troma. Basically you're getting a film so indy and low budget that you should expect a check for watching it. The plot is nearly impossible to follow as you get awkward editing and random scenes that don't follow any type of real structure. To call this film stupid is an insult to stupid.
Selling Point: It has anime level fan service. Basically random shots of T&A. The owners of that T&A aren't really worth watching the film though.
Female Vampire Factor: The main vampire of the film has two sisters.
His maid is also a vampire who likes to show her butt (along with her extremely hairy "woman parts") on camera a lot.
This is one of those films that would only be watchable if you're a 15 year old who can't get their hands on real porn to get a cheap thrill. Other than that I would avoid at all costs. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.
The Gist: A small town girl moves to the big city and struggles until she meets and falls for a vampire.
Clarification: It's a Troma film and a low end one at that which means it looks and feels like 80's porn but without the sex. The bulk of the film is just the girl Viola going through her growing pains of moving to the big city and being used by different people. The vampire stuff is literally just the end of the film.
Basically the film starts with her picking her parents up from the airport. They found out she got married and wanted to meet her new husband but she pitches a hissy fit about it. They park after arguing and she eventually changes her mind and gives them her entire story from arriving to the city up to that point (so the film is a flashback). During this she gets manipulated into getting a crappy apartment, makes friends with her neighbor who steals from her and gets her into trouble, joins a religious cult that takes her for her money and gets a job from a guy who rapes her. Eventually she meets a vampire who she falls for and he helps her get revenge against everyone who wronged her.
Selling Point: nope
Female Vampire Factor: I think Viola (Rachel Golden) becomes one. Toward the end it does show her approaching her old boss in a first person view as if she bites him but they don't show the bite. No fangs either.
I always groan when I pop in a new movie to review and that Troma opening starts because I know that means whatever comes after it is going to be painful to watch. This one was especially bad and no real payoff. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.
The Gist: A man stuck serving a female vampire decides to stand up to her once he falls for her next victim.
Clarification: It's a Troma film so don't expect much. In fact the film starts off very serious and ends like a comedy. It's not even subtle where it can be considered a dark comedy it is straight up dramatic for a full 50% of the film and downright slapstick for 50% like they decided they didn't like the script halfway through filming but didn't care to redo the scenes they already filmed. This theory is further driven home by the fact that the synopsis given for the film has the vampire and her handler being brother and sister which is not the case in the actual film with the relationship between the two being explained in the later more comedic parts of the film.
So basically a guy goes out with a woman who ends up being a vampire who falls for him and wants to turn him. Since he's a giggalo he refuses her offer so basically the arrangement is he does her bidding and she doesn't turn him. She has a weird art fetish so he has to bring her young women who she then drains of blood and uses the blood to paint with. I would complain about the whole "vampire using the thing she needs to live as art supplies" thing but the entire movie pretty much dumps on vampire lore and blood lust really doesn't exist here.
Selling Point/Female Vampire Factor: Dawn Spinella made an awesome vampire as Diana.
This was amazing considering how poorly the story is told and how little screen time she gets despite being the films main antagonist. Fact is had the story concentrated more on her obsession with "Edmond" (Kirk Wilson) it would have made a much better film than the "We'll figure it out as we go" jigsaw puzzle this film turnout out to be.
I give the film a Vampire Beauty rating of 2 out of 5. It had potential but doesn't live up to it. To get a story like this but told much better check out the film "Bitten".
The Gist: A girl with troubles in her personal life meets up with a vampire Elvis impersonator and they form a bond.
Clarification: It's a Troma movie so that should tell you everything you need to know about the film quality (if you couldn't tell by the title of the films cheesiness level).
Selling Point: none to speak of. Female Vampire Factor: The female protagonist of the film "Iris" (Margaret Lancaster) does get turned in the film....
Before you get excited she never actually does anything vampiric. It's in the films finale were a bunch of vampires kind of stand around while a guy with a cross bow shoots them without actually fighting back. Even by Troma standards this is a pretty hard movie to watch. It gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.
Clarification: None needed. This is just an hour of vampires attacking people. No real plot to be found really. Basically it's like a fang fetish vampire porn but without the porn and very little fangs. If you go on Troma's site it talks about there being some sort of love story involved but the dialogue is so awkward that the film pretty much needs translating even though the whole thing is in English. It doesn't help that on top of that in some scenes the music is MUCH louder than the dialogue so you can't really hear it.
Selling Point: If you're a Troma film completionist (which also makes you a glutton for punishment) then you need this to complete your collection.
Female Vampire Factor: There's two in the film at least that do anything vampiric in the classic form. There's the hot Asian one (Vee) played by Haiha Le
Then there's one half of the main couple "X" Vanessa de Largie
Further along in the film there is a women who is possible a vampire but not quite sure named "Rola" (Jennifer Levy).
I've seen some positive reviews for this film but a lot of those positive reviews are based on some deep down subconscious "This film is a representation of this and that and is symbolism for yadda yadda" type stuff with the reviewer generally comparing it to a better yet just as hard to follow independent film (A popular comparison being "The Addiction"). I am not one of those people. The film is just weird. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.
The Gist: After their car breaks down on their way to the movies three guys end up knee deep in a vampire murder story.
Clarification: This is one of those hard to watch films due to the main characters just being super unlikable. Basically everyone in the film has some major personality quirk which makes you want to punch them. Because of this, the idea of caring about what happens to any of them is non existent. It's basically the story of a womanizer, a movie nerd, and the live action version of a facebook troll who interrupts everyone to correct their English and their ability to not react to any negative or positive situation with appropriate emotions.
As it goes they go to the nerds ex girlfriends house to get anti-freeze for their car, a group of thugs try to mug them along the way which is when the two other guys find out their nerd buddy is a vampire. They finally make their way to the ex girlfriends house after a rather dumb conversation where the "troll" dismisses the vampires claim of being a vampire despite WITNESSING the entire mugging incident. When they get their we find out they broke up over her drinking and there's lots of bi-polar arguing in which we find out she has a new abusive vampire boyfriend. This guy ends up being the movies antagonist as we eventually find he murders vampires and drains them of their blood. From their it becomes a revenge story as the vampire movie nerd seeks out the abusive ex after he kills the girl.
BTW the title refers to the sub plot that deals with the vampire antagonist who works at a blood bank having a plan to replace the human blood at the bank with vampire blood. A sub plot that maybe gets 6 minutes of air time in the one hour and forty five minute run time of the movie.
Female Vampire Factor: Barely worth mentioning. The only one in the film that has any real screen time is the boyish ex girlfriend.
Other than this you get a couple that get screen time when the crew go into a vampire inhabited bar.
IMDB lists this movie as both an action/comedy and a comedy/thriller. It is none of those. This means that the annoying personality quirks of the main characters are supposed to be funny and not what it actually comes off as which is just plain annoying. It just makes it worse that it's also one of those movies where the film maker has to have characters arguing about something in every scene. The film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.
The Gist: A vampire slayer who is a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing hunts a rock band of vampires.
Clarification: This film is weird by even Troma standards. You've got a vampire band which is the least strange. Then there's their roadie who's a necrophiliac and does the dirty work for the vampires just so he can dress the bodies up in sexy outfits and take pictures with them (as well as other things), not to mention he's just socially awkward. Finally your vampire slayer apparently has either HIV or AIDS and when she gets bit spreads it to the main vampire of the film.
Basically this is the strangest after school special ever written as most of the main characters freak out about possibly having AIDS. So why is the undead afraid of a disease that kills living people? According to the female vampire that turned our dying vamp (and wants him dead) the disease has the exact same effect on vampires as it does humans with the exception of the fact the vampire won't die. He'll just shrivel and decay until someone mistakes him for a corpse and buries him (completely ignoring that he'd likely starve to death before that in this explanation but whatever).
Female Vampire Factor: You've got two in the film. First the vampire who turned the band from the get go Lenore (P.K. Phillips).
She's only seen in a few scenes. Once to gloat to the vampire Anthony about the predicament he's in, again to talk the vampire slayer Vanessa into killing Anthony with a stake through the heart and finally at the films conclusion to attempt to seduce the roadie Reed.
Lastly you have the vampire slayer Vanessa Van Helsing (Monica Baber)
She's only briefly seen as a vampire after she's turned. In fact her character is just kind of forgotten about after that point with the roadie becoming the films protagonist once she's placed in a "guest coffin".
Told you the film was strange. Anyway Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5. It starts out as a vampire film but just looses it's way after the AIDS thing.
