Vampiress Review: "Vampire Vixens from Venus"

The Gist: A group of three aliens land on earth in order to steal the life force of sexually aroused men.

Clarification:  So this is the true definition of false advertising as there are no vampires in this film.  The aliens in this film use a contraption that goes on men's heads after they're aroused that seems to melt them into shriveled husks. The bulk of the movie is quirky style comedy, especially scenes that deal with the head detective involved with finding out what's going on with the aliens victims. This is a positive as most "B" films from this era go with the goofy slapstick stuff.  Unlike those films that feel like they're trying too hard this one will make you laugh.  Well it will if you can last passed the awful alien parts. 

Selling Point: It has full frontal nudity during a time where that was considered a big deal outside of porn.  Also as mentioned it does have some legit funny moments.

Female Vampire Factor:  So this movie goes by your B grade movie rule of threes

Two of the women, a blonde named "Arylai" (J.J. North, far right) and a brunette named "Omay" (former penthouse pet Leslie Glass, center) are pretty straight forward characters with not much substance to them.  They're hot and all business.   Then you have "Shirly" (Theresa Lynn,  far left).

She's your stereotypical dumb blond (though she's a red head in the film) thrown in for comic relief and pretty much the most entertaining thing you'll find in the film from the alien standpoint.  She obviously didn't put much effort into studying human behavior as she does things like tell alien jokes to humans not to mention her idea of seducing is "Do you want a blowjob?"

The twist of the film is the character "Shampay" (Michelle Bauer) who ends up being one of the aliens as well though you never see her interact with the other aliens of the film till after the reveal.  She spends the bulk of the film seducing the lead detective on the case as a distraction from finding out about the other girls.  If you want to see her as an actual vampire check out my reviews of the films "Beverly Hills Vamps" and "Morgana".

Outside of the the small bits of comedy it's a dud of a movie especially if you were expecting actual vampires and not aliens using a Polaroid instant camera of death (watch it and you'll understand why I called it that).  This film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  

Vampiress Review: Teenage Space Vampires/ Darkness: The Teen Space Vampire Saga

The Gist: An alien is turning all the people of a small town into vampire like creatures in an attempt to find a stone which would engulf the light of the sun and its up to a teenage boy to stop them.

Clarification:  So basically a movie that wasn't that great when it was originally released in 1999 gets re-released with a new name and box art (complete with models who aren't even in the film) hoping to fool fans of the Twilight genre into watching it.  This movie was made in Romania which pretty much explains why the town loves the sport of soccer so much but why an advanced alien race would fly millions of miles just to take over a high school soccer team is a real head scratcher.  Then again if it worked for the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for going on 3 decades now who's to question alien monsters obsession with Earth high schools.

Selling Point: According to the company that made it, apparently the models on the "Darkness" cover.

Female Vampire Factor: Well there's two which I guess is a positive but since this movie is pretty cheesy I don't know how much of a positive it is, especially since one of them, specifically Paula the public relations lady played by the actually pretty hot Romanian model Bianca Brad looks like an alien from an old episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" when she turns.

Someone needs to call the ghost of Robert Stack

As far as the other one goes in actuality the entire cheerleading squad of the school gets turned (by the soccer team who gets turned first) but since they're all just background fodder we get to only notice the head cheerleader played by Canadian actress Lindy Booth.

Lindy Booth does not look like this in this movie unfortunately

 Now normally the idea of vampire cheerleaders is a great one but there is something just totally off about it here.  Possible the frumpy 1980's look of the uniforms or the really weird fangs used in the film but there's pretty much nothing hot about this.

For that this film gets a vampire rating of 1 out of 5.  You're pretty much better off just watching the first three seasons of The Vampire Diaries if you want some decent teenage vampires.