Vampiress Review: "Rock, Paper, Scissors"

The Gist: A group of vampires and humans try to co-exist in a safe house during a zombie apocalypse.

Female Vampire Factor:  There is one female vampire that gets any real screen time and that is Judith

She is not very trustworthy and believes any human outside of the compound to be dinner even though the humans in the compound give blood to sustain the vampires.  This leads to the human protagonist Cara to not trust her as if it weren't for another vampire Micajah who saved her and brought her to the compound she would have been eaten by Judith.

Final Opinion: The concept is good but the execution is very much lacking.  The overall idea was to show the developing trust between a human with PTSD about vampires Cara and the vampire she's forced to coexist with Micajah.  The main problem is the vampire characters show zero signs of trustworthiness or self control and there seems to be nothing the humans are getting out of keeping the vampires around so none of it makes sense (The good old indy film "must have constant conflict where everyone hates each other but coexists for no reason for dramatic effect" logic). At least in the final season of True Blood which has the same premise there was a mutual relationship where in exchange for blood the vampires would protect the humans. Here the humans are pretty much protecting themselves alongside monsters constantly threatening them and all of them are reporting to a leader who isn't very good at leading. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 of 5. Judith and the two episodes featuring her are a small bright spot in a series that was lacking them.

Vampiress Review: "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Undead"

The Gist: A slacker who lives in his Dad's office gets a job as the director of a play about Shakespeare characters from "Hamlet" becoming vampires.  What he doesn't know is that the writer and star of the play is a vampire who is turning art into life.

Clarification: The main story of the film revolves around the main characters inability to maintain a job or a steady relationship. His life is so horrible that he sleeps all day, has regular sex with random hot women who's names he doesn't remember and doesn't pay any rent whatsoever.  It sounds like a downright horrible life to have and can't understand how anyone can live that way (EXTREME sarcasm).  The big issue stems from the female lead of the play he's directing being his ex girlfriend that he's still hung up on and his wanting to protect her.

Selling Point:  The Italian "Guido" stereotype that the main characters ex-girlfriend was dating who helps him vampire hunt is played by Ralph "original Karate Kid" Macchio. 

Female Vampire Factor: Could have been better but they're in here (!!contains major plot spoilers!!)

The "wardrobe girls" Lyuba and Zadeska 

 (Carmen Goodine & Azie Tesfai )

 These two beauties are basically your stereotypical "brides of Dracula" types.  They hang around the background of scenes not too far from the main vampire "Theo".  They're new at the whole being a vampire thing as Theo is training them in how to turn people very early in the movie and the main vampire has no real romantic interest in them as he's per-occupied with the reincarnation of his soul mate.  As far as fang scenes go, Zadeska has plenty of scenes shown fanging out.

 Lyuba on the other hand is barely noticeable even during her bite scenes and is the first vamp to be offed midway through the film. It's ok though because she is quite easily replaced.

Devon Aoki (Anna Blake)

The girl everyone in the film is hung up on. Anna is an aspiring actress who even though has broken up with her ex boyfriend Julian (the main character) after he cheated on her, seems to have absolutely no problem calling on him for absolutely EVERYTHING.  Their relationship was apparently not very good on both ends (he's a womanizer and she's a user) so it seems they were made for each other.  Obviously if she makes the list it means that Julian doesn't do a very good job of protecting her and preventing Theo the vampire from turning her.  Unlike in most films with this type of plot she gets turned prior to the end of the film so it's not a "surprise last scene" or anything like that.  Though she's a vampire you only get to see her fangs very briefly right after you find out in a scene where her and Zadeska attack two cops attempting to arrest Julian. Otherwise she gets the pale skin and contacts treatment.

So while the girls are very much a part of the plot I can't say as far as female vamps go that this is a must see film.  Otherwise it's a halfway entertaining comedy as far as stand alone entertainment value.  In the end I give it a Vampire Beauty rating of 3 out of 5.